“My student’s mother is impossible!” exclaimed Mrs. Melamed to the teachers.  “Her son’s pants are always falling down an inch.  I’ve been making an extra check box in red next to his homework with the word ‘belt’ to remind Mom.  She fills out the rest of the homework but ignores ‘belt;’the next day, this kid’s pants are falling down.”  Ever sympathetic, the other teachers commented that you can ‘bring a horse to water but not force it to drink’.

    “My son’s teacher is driving me crazy,” vented Mrs. Aimbiyisroelto her friend.  “Every day, this teacher sends his homework with red check boxes for me, as if I am a child.  Recently, she’s been making an extra checkbox, titled ‘belt’.  True; he is thin; but never needed a belt before.  I work during the day and spend several hours visiting my hospitalized motherout of town.  Yesterday, I traveled in the rain to buy a belt which didn’t fit properly, necessitating a return trip to the store.  You’d think that according to this teacher, parents should spend all day shopping for belts,” continued Mrs. Aimbiyisroel to her sympathetic friend.

What is going on?  

    It seems that parent and teacher have not communicated directly.  They don’t appreciate or trust the other’s agenda. Each did not assume that there was more to the story than what met the eye and so the child went without a belt.  Fortunately, a child without a belt is not a “challenged child.”  We cannot blame Teacher or Mom for being overwhelmed.  However, we can learn several lessons from the above true story.

    Lesson One: A child succeeds more when his parent and teacher communicate well, the earlier the better.  Practically, if possible, a teacher can call each parent before the year begins, introduce herself, and ask the parent for any information which would affect the child’s academic or social emotional performance.  Or, if a parent is comfortable, (s)he can call the teacher with this information.  The advantage here is that because both parties care deeply, the student will receive more individualized instruction.    

    Ross Greene, in his book titled ‘The Explosive Child’, tells about a child whose parents and teachers discussed his specific needs and how to best meet them- in advance.  However, they forgot to inform the physical education teacher, who insisted on having the child wear a jacket in 55 degreeweather.  After several minutes of argument between teacher and student, the child punched a hole through a window (pp. 86-87).  

    Lesson Two:  Model problem solving and role playing.  

    Daniel, age 6.5, suffered from anxiety and hair pulling, necessitating frequent short-haircuts to prevent his hair pulling.  Daniel was embarrassed to go to school looking “bald.”  His therapist guided his parents to slowly and gently imitate Daniel’s classmates, who would ask him about his appearance.  Daniel would receive a small reward every time he submitted himself to this exercise.  As Daniel got more comfortable with it, and with his permission, his siblings joined the game.  They made fun of his appearance while he 1- ignored them, 2-answered in a non-commital manner, or 3-laughed it off (and was rewarded every time with a chocolate sprinkle).  Next, Daniel consented to have some neighbors come over and comment on his  appearance.  (Mom purposely selected boys who would have otherwise made fun of Daniel the following day.)  Ironically, when pressed to think of something to say, the neighbors could barely come up with anything other than “Daniel, did you get a haircut?”  Mom rewarded Daniel and the neighbors with a chocolate sprinkle each.  After Daniel was comfortable with his appearance and bored, Mom pulled out her digital voice recorder and indicated that she had recorded all the conversations.  Daniel listened delightedly and laughed, while Mom saved the recordings for the future, to repeatedly show Daniel how capable and confident he was.  Mom also asked Daniel to  count every incident of others“poking fun” for the next few days.  Two days and ninety sprinkles later, either Daniel was cured of his anxiety or else his friends discovered that it was no fun  pokingfun at him.  

    Lesson Three: Both a parent and teacher should show each other respect and appreciation from the get go, earning trust and facilitating the child’s success.  

    During his parent initiation meeting, Rabbi Cohen acknowledged parents for entrusting their ‘diamonds’ to his care. Throughout the year, he thanked them for helping their own children with their homework, even though “evenings are really busy for everyone.”  When the year was over, he humbly asked that his students keep in touch with him, because he invested so much time into their progress and cares about how they are doing.  

    Mrs. Siegel sells professional, hand crafted jewelry.  Every year, she crafts one personalized item for each of her children’s many teachers, as a gesture off  appreciation, and to show her children how much she values their teachers.

    Lesson Four: Take care of thyself.  Most of us are maxed out due to our responsibilities.We may know how to teach our children or students, but lack the time, patience, or emotional strength to put that knowledge into practice.  So if you can, indulge yourself in whatever it is that makes you better at what you are doing.

    Lesson Five: Most importantly, pray for success; davening always helps!