Author: Jenny Sassoon, L.M.S.W.

Last summer, I read one of the best novels I have read in a long time:  "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.  I was inspired by this novel in many ways, and there is one piece in the novel that particularly spoke to me as it relates to building healthy self-esteem in children and young adults.

One of the main characters in the novel is a maid named Aibileen.  Aibileen is responsible for cleaning and watching a two-year old little girl named Mae Mobley.  This little girl's mother often openly criticizes her two year-old daughter for not doing the right thing (i.e. what her mother wants her to do.)   When Mae Mobley does not want to sit in her high chair, for example, her mother gets frustrated and says straight out to her young child:  “How I ended up with you when all my friends have angels I just do not know?”  And it is clear that this little girl internalizes this message and others messages like this, at even the youngest age, when she later states to her maid/caretaker/good friend Aibileen that “Mae Mo bad.”

Hearing Mae Mobley speak this way hurts Aibileen so much.  Here is how Aibileen puts it:

“The way she say it, like it's fact, make my insides hurt.”

 Over the years, I have counseled and coached many young adults who have low self- confidence and little, if any, belief in themselves.  Hearing them state during our initial sessions together that they do not feel worthy and do not love themselves, like it's fact, always makes my insides hurt too.  I often wonder when they began to internalize these messages and what experiences or messages they received in their lives that made them believe that they are not good enough, lovable, or capable.   The answers they have given me include:

         'My parents only approved of me when I did what they wanted me to do and often told me so straight out.'

         'I could tell by the look on my parents face when I brought home the bad grade that even though they told me it was okay, they were not really happy with me.'

         'My teachers never accepted me for who I was.  I wasn't like everyone else.  I didn't fit the mold.  I felt different, not accepted, not worthy.'

Whether these messages are given overtly with words or covertly with our body language, children, and especially teenagers, can easily pick up on whether or not we really love them for who they are, or only love, accept, or approve of them conditionally, when they do things or act in a way that we approve of. 

What can we do, as parents, educators, or mentors to show that we really do love and admire our younger and older children for who they are so that they can internalize the message that they are lovable, capable, and worthy human beings?

Let's look at the following messages Aibileen gives to Moe Mabley:

“You a smart girl — You a kind girl — You are important.”

What Aibileen does here is focus on Mae Mobley's qualities, the things that make her who she is. 

More often we tend to focus on and point out to someone, especially our children and loved ones, what is 'wrong' with them or what we do not like about what they are doing.  Criticism often comes easier than holding our tongue and instead saying something kind, loving, and encouraging.

Also, more often, as a society, we praise accomplishments, what we do.  However, as we know, accomplishments change, and when our self-esteem and belief in ourselves is dependent on what we do, we can never feel truly good about ourselves.  Because what does it mean when we do not bring home the best grade, or we did not win the race that time?  Are we still 'good?' Are we still loved?

Instead, in order to really build healthy self-esteem and confidence in our children and loved ones, it is much more effective to point out their qualities, the things that make up who they are:  kind, caring, loving, hard-working, committed, determined, courageous, ambitious — individuals.

Qualities do not change.  The stuff that makes up who we are is always in us, a part of us.  A kind word spoken from a place of respect for who the person is will have a much longer lasting effect on a person because it will touch their inner soul and help them to build a solid foundation of knowing and respecting who they truly are.  As a result of knowing this and knowing that we believe in them, our children, younger and older, will walk taller  - with love and belief in their heart and confidence in their step.

About the Author:

Jenny Sassoon is a licensed social worker and professional certified parent and teen coach.  Through her private coaching programs and workshops, by phone and in-person, for parents and young adults, she promotes healthy family relationships and empowers young adults with confidence and direction.  Jenny lives and has a private practice in Israel.  To find out more, visit her website at: www.BuildBetterRelationships.com.

Suggestions for further reading:

"Planting and Building" by Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe

"Unconditional Parenting" Alfie Kohn

"The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

"Everyday Blessings:  The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting" by Myla Kabat-Zinn and Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Parent as Coach" by Diana Sterling