Kids today!

They are carpooled to school, have their own rooms [well, maybe with one sib], and their own personal lawyers [us!] to help them deal with any issue at school. How different this is from our childhood where we walked to school, shared a room with three siblings, and had to deal with the teachers all by ourselves.

Though we may laughingly concede that our children ‘have it too good’ and we certainly have no wish for them to have it hard, in our sane moments we worry. We fear that they will have zero ability to cope. We wonder how they will survive adulthood.

In short, we want them to develop resilience: the ability to bounce back in the face of adversity. It means that despite experiencing difficulty and distress, the child is able to deal with it, overcome, and even be transformed by this challenge. Resilience also implies the power to recover – the ability to return to the prior pattern of competence of the pre-stress period. A person with resilience may bend - yet subsequently recoup.

We all need resilience to survive. No matter how charmed our life, inevitably we will meet up with challenges. We all do. So, whether it is personal [illness, disability], environmental [natural disasters], or relationship based [parent/child, husband/wife] – the ability to cope and spring back is critical to effective living.

Whether resilience is inborn or taught [that old ‘nature vs. nurture’ controversy] is debatable; in fact extensive research on this topic is being conducted even as we speak. However, regardless of its origin, resilience is something that can – and should – be taught. We are looking at teachable skills which are in the reach of most of us – if presented right.

So, here’s the catch. Teaching resilience is tricky: it’s not an academic subject. For the child to learn, he must be allowed to experience a challenge. And, for most children, to be successful means presenting a challenge that is neither too overwhelming [that could crush the child] or too easy [that could forestall any stretching and growth]. The effective parent is on top of the situation and monitors the child’s progress.

So the first step for a parent is to evaluate: is the challenge facing the child appropriate for this time and place? If so, don’t smooth the way. Rather, let your child learn to deal – all the while providing him with support so he can. [Of course, there are many challenges that are unknown to us parents, or are not amenable to our intercession – however, hopefully, the support and teaching you have provided your child should kick in here as well.]

Simi is an ok student: she tries hard and does a bit above average work. Lately she has had a few detentions for failing to turn in her homework. Truthfully, homework is hard for her; she’s too tired at night and finds it hard to begin and get organized. Though Mom is sorely tempted to just skip all chazara and provide the answers on the worksheets, she decides to experiment and try another way.

She sets up a quiet corner for Sima – with all the needed supplies at the ready. She, together with Sima, choose a single half hour slot that would be dedicated to homework. After expressing confidence in Sima’s ability to work on her own, Mom makes sure to hang around during that half hour – just in case she needs to rescue Sima before she lapses into tears and despair. Both Mom and Simi feel gratified as Simi slowly gets the hang of things.

Providing adequate support, as Sima’s Mom knows, can facilitate the growth of resilience. We all know this. It’s how we teach our children to ride a bike without training wheels. We make it possible by holding on to the seat. However, if the child is not ready or overwhelmed by a task, we step in. An overwhelmed child is a defeated child –and that is a far cry from resilience.

Besides providing support, we teach, always, by modeling. We model calm and in control [well, most of the time] and an ability to deal with what life throws our way. We show how we ourselves get support – from each other, friends, or community – so that we can cope. We present a realistic portrait of coping – not the ubiquitous ‘it’s all good’- but actually struggling with the challenge and dealing with it effectively.

A large part of learning involves practice – and there will be ample opportunities for your children to practice resilience. Of course, that’s if you let them and don’t try ‘fixing’ things for them. Encourage them to rely on their abilities and instincts, all the while letting them know that you are always there for them to help things along.