Every person is a unique world unto themselves, and communication is the bridge we lay down that connects our world to that of another. Positive communication leads to secure and close connections.Communication requires a sender, a message and an intended recipient. When the message I am attempting to convey is received the way I intended it to be, that is positive communication. Easy or hard? Most people with experience being in relationships consider this to be very hard. Communication often does not go smoothly. Let’s look at why that is. Communication happens on three levels: verbal, nonverbal and paraverbal. Verbal communication is the words we use, the content that describes what we are trying to convey. Verbal communication is the most obvious form of communication we engage in. We often take our verbal communications for granted. We’ve taken cues from our environment growing up regarding how to share certain things, what to share and so on. Before we talk, we seldom think of the impact our words will have on the listener. We often take it for granted that our words will be received as we intended them to be, without fully appreciating that our listener will hear what we are saying through his or her filter. This creates a challenge to positive communication. Nonverbal communication, also known as body and facial language and tone, is another way we communicate that is very strongly picked up by our listener – if not consciously, then certainly unconsciously. Our face is an important conveyor of emotional information. Our face can express a smile, laughter, empathy, eye contact or, on the other hand, a frown, sneer, cry, smirk, anger or disgust. We show positive body language with touch, open arms, attention, relaxation and leaning forward. We show negative body expression with neck and hand tension, rude gestures, a point, jab and inattention. The tone we use provides another avenue of communication. With our tone, we can express caring, warmth, tenderness, empathy, affection and cheerfulness, or we can have a tone that expresses coldness, tension, fear, impatience, anger and more. Our tone makes a difference in how our words are understood. There are times when our communication isn’t consistent. We say “Of course I’m listening to you,” while reading the paper. When communication is inconsistent, nonverbal communication is believed over what’s verbally said. “You have my full attention,” says the wife while preparing dinner. “I’m just closing my eyes for a spell, tell me what happened,” says the husband after his full day of work. “Of course I love you,” he/she tells his or her spouse impatiently. These partners’ nonverbal communication leaves the speaker feeling very much unheard and doesn’t work to establish a positive connection. Paraverbal communication is how we say something; the tone, pitch and pacing of our voice. How to understand the husband returning from work and asking his wife “You cleaned the family room?”Is it “YOU cleaned the family room?” thereby expressing surprise that his wife did something, “You CLEANED the family room?” questioning whether the family room is cleaned or “You cleaned the FAMILY ROOM?” questioning something about the room that was cleaned. Same words but impossible to understand the intent without listening to the paraverbal communication. How we say something is not lost on the listener but is often something speakers pay little attention to. If we are more conscious of how we deliver our message, paying close attention to the different ways we communicate, then we will be clearer, thereby maximizing our chances of having our message be received the way it is intended. The second part to positive communication, and the key to receiving messages effectively, is listening. Listening is conveyed two ways, nonverbally and verbally. The “art” of listening involves giving full, physical attention to another person. This is conveyed by leaning forward toward the speaker, facing the other person squarely, maintaining an open posture with arms and legs uncrossed, and appropriate head nodding and facial expression. Paying attention to the speaker’s nonverbal communications gives us insight and understanding into the feeling and content of the message. In order to understand the total message of the speaker, we need to gain an understanding of the feeling and content, which adds depth of experience to the communication. Verbal listening skills involve responding to the speaker by restating, in our words, the feeling and/or content of what is being expressed. This gives the speaker the experience of being heard and acknowledged and also provides the speaker with the opportunity to give us feedback about the accuracy of our perceptions. Tools we can use for effective verbal listening are paraphrasing, reflecting and summarizing. A magical key in the art of listening is validation. There is a well-known story of a wise Rabbi who was approached by a couple experiencing marital distress. The Rabbi first called the wife into his study and, with his assistant nearby, heard her recount all the complaints she had about her husband. When she was finished, he compassionately said “You’re right.”She left feeling lighter in her heart. Next to come in was the husband who recounted all his grievances against his wife. The Rabbi sagely stroked his beard and said “You’re right.” The man left feeling better. The assistant turned to the Rabbi and, feeling extremely puzzled, asked “Rabbi, how could they both be right?” “You’re right, too,” answered the Rabbi. The power of validation in making someone feel heard and strengthening a relationship cannot be overstated. We need to come to our partners, children, siblings and friends with a mindset that even if we don’t agree with them or we don’t understand where they are coming from, we know they make sense. There is always a reason why people feel and react the way they do. A ten-year-old boy came home from school one day. His mother was making eggs for him and his sister. She put cheese on the eggs. The boy saw the cheese and burst into tears. “You know I don’t like cheese,” he shouted. How should mom respond? The boy appears to be overreacting. Think for yourself how you would respond and then read on. The mom asked him what had made him so upset. He said he feels no one considers what he wants. Mom understood that there was more at issue here than dinner. There were factors going on in the family that were beyond the boy’s control and in that context, it sure made sense why, if his dinner was not prepared to his liking, he would be very upset. Communication is an art, an important one in creating meaningful relationships. Be a speaker who is aware of his/her verbal, nonverbal and paraverbal messages. Be a listener who conveys understanding and validation. If we don’t understand the other’s message, inquire a bit more into what the other is saying. Sometimes, good communication requires that we pull out a new frying pan and start making eggs all over again. Dvorah Levy, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice working with individuals and couples. She maintains offices in Hewlett and Flatbush and specializes in marriage, parenting and dating issues. Dvorah can be reached at (516) 660-7157.