Parenting is a tough journey, but it's especially hard if you're the parent of a child with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges. Strong-willed, active children can become "challenging" when their caregivers run out of the energy and patience needed to deal with their behaviors. Most children can be difficult at times, but some are more challenging than others. Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child and Lost at School, has introduced a more compassionate and effective approach to address challenging children.

Dr. Greene proposes that having a basic concept about children is important because that becomes the operating system – the way you will respond to meltdowns and tantrums – when the going gets tough. His key theme is: Kids do well if they can.

According to Dr. Greene, if you think a child is not doing well because he does not want to, the only role that the parent plays is to make the child want to do well. However, if we believe that the child does want to do well but lacks the cognitive or emotional capacity to follow instructions, adapt to new situations and control impulses, then you can identify the obstacles and resolve the issues for a long-lasting solution.

 Although there are many different types of explosive children, all of them share certain behaviors. These common behaviors allow us to develop a general treatment strategy that is helpful for all inflexible, explosive children:

Characteristics of the inflexible / explosive child:

·         Unable to shift gears

·         Becomes quickly overwhelmed

·         Unable to think of ways to resolve conflict

·         Extremely low frustration tolerance

·         Meltdowns seem out of the blue

 All inflexible/explosive children have a type of difficult temperament called “poorly adaptable.” There are other types of difficult temperaments that can exacerbate the frustrations of an explosive child. Some children with difficult temperaments are highly intense in their emotional responses, whether they are miserable, angry, or happy.

These children respond intensely to frustration – so intensely, in fact, that their emotional arousal interferes with their ability to think rationally or even listen to what the other person is saying.

Some children with difficult temperaments are moody, easily irritated or thrown into despairing, morose moods. You can never tell when this child will be hungry or tired, so there are frequent conflicts over meals and bedtimes. Some children with difficult temperaments are insecure and will cling, protest, or tantrum if forced to go forward in a new situation.

 Certainly, the child does not enjoy these incidents and does not intentionally behave this way. It is actually frustrating for the child because they feel they are not being understood. They do not wish to act in a way which makes themselves and their families miserable. Many families become totally unbalanced and the siblings resentful when there is an inflexible/explosive child in their midst.

Explosive children are not capable of quickly shifting gears between their agenda and someone else’s agenda. They are not capable of remaining relatively calm, coherent, organized, and rational when frustrated by their parent’s commands. They can’t utilize their knowledge that compliance is necessary, that compliance would lead to rewards, and that non-compliance would result in consequences or punishment. When a child becomes enraged, he loses the capacity to consider what is in his own best interest, and loses any memory of previous consequences for noncompliance or meltdowns, so he can’t learn from previous experiences.

 Adults are constantly trying to “teach them lessons” by punishing the child and often demand that the child explain his/her actions. Adults are perplexed when the child either says he doesn’t know, or just melts down further.

When do challenging children let us know they are struggling?

When a child is having difficulty, the common behaviors you will experience are: whining, pouting, sulking, withdrawing, crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, spitting, kicking, throwing, breaking, lying, stealing, and the list goes on. Although it may feel that what a child does is important, why and when he’s doing these things are much more important.

How can we understand and help behaviorally challenging children?

When children feel overwhelmed by demands that are placed on them, that they are more than they can tolerate, that is the warning sign that a meltdown is about to erupt. Caregivers need to pay attention to the challenging activities that the child is having difficulty with and also identify the settings or conditions of when those behaviors occur.

What can parents and caregivers do differently to help challenging children cope?

When a child has lagging skills and can’t meet the adult’s expectation they do not lack motivation. Popular approaches of reward and punishment may not work. We are all in a better position to make lasting changes if we believe that challenging behaviors are due to unsolved problems and therefore are highly predictable.

In his approach, Dr. Ross Greene described the explosive child and describes a method of treating the problem.

Dr. Greene suggests that, to solve the problem, adults cannot impose on the child as this will result in increased challenging episodes. Rather, to solve problems durably, the adult and the child need to work collaboratively and over time, both will acquire the skills they were lacking. This contains three steps:

Step 1: Empathy

Dr. Greene says: “Empathy is an access code to the child’s brain,” allowing the child to see the parent as an advocate and not an adversary. Here is where the parent initiates a pathway to communicate with the child using compassion. This involves gathering information from the child in order to achieve a clear understanding of their perspective on a particular situation. As parents learn just how difficult it is for the child to process information and to function behaviorally in ways we normally expect, the more empathic and tolerant the parent becomes.

The Torah world has long taught the importance of the mitzvah of ahavas Yisrael, which has been described as unconditional love — especially for our children. Unfortunately, many of us, as parents and teachers, have built-in narratives of children as oppositional, defiant and manipulative. Parents need to be role models displaying mood regulation and responding in a flexible manner while maintaining their coherence. A young child learns primarily by example.

Step 2: Define the Problem

Communicating to the child in a language they can understand, the parent’s perspective on the problem and making sure that the child is convinced that both adult and child’s concerns need to be addressed.

Step 3: Invitation

Finally, both adult and child brainstorm solutions so they can satisfy a plan of action that is both realistic and mutually satisfying.

The Talmud teaches us that habits become second nature. Just like in the world of Torah and mitzvos, creating good habits is a high-order priority. Likewise, parents learn to create a "user-friendly environment" through habit by responding consistently to certain behavioral warning signals of the child and then taking quick and consistent action when the signals are present.

In Pirkei Avot it states: "Silence is a fence for wisdom." In this context, the goal is to teach the parents to be proficient in the language of silence. Yet this must be balanced by good speech – to praise the child at every opportunity, reward good behavior and even finding situations that make the child look good to bolster the child's self-confidence and self-esteem.

Another important aspect that Dr. Greene suggests is to not simply tolerate undesirable behaviors, but to prompt the child to develop his/her own way to make amends for these events. This creates a more harmonious environment than applying consequences or punishments.  

The importance of parental engagement in this process is paramount. As Dr. Greene observes: "Half-baked understanding of the child's challenges leads to a half-baked solution." This is a team effort and everyone needs to be on board and rowing in the same direction.

Neuroscientists for the past 30-40 years have tested, proven and supported this approach and observed remarkable results in treating challenging children.Sources:

Greene, Ross W.,& Ablon, J. Stuart (2006). Treating Explosive Kids: The Collaborative Problem-Solving Approach. New York, NY. The Guilford Press.

Greene, Ross W. (2008). Lost At School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges Are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them. New York, NY. Scribner.

Greene, Ross W. (2001). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. New York, NY. Harper Collins Publishing Inc.

Chana Kaiman, LMSW is a psychotherapist who works with children, adolescents and families in a clinic. She earned her degree at Wurzweiler School of Social Work. Chana has background experience in the Interpersonal / Relational model of treatment and brings a unique approach to collaboration of supports in treatment. She is a child and family therapist working at Interborough Developmental and Consultation Center where she applies Multi-modal strategies for stabilizing crisis cases. Chana can be reached at [email protected]. 

Miriam Yerushalmi, MS, was trained at Pepperdine University and is uniquely skilled at combining behavioral and humanistic approaches to address a wide spectrum of psychopathology. Miriam applies essential Torah principles to empower individuals to release their inner healing potential while aligning with life’s purpose. Miriam works in private practice with families and children, restoring healthy functioning through multi-sensory systems approach. From panic disorders to addiction to depressive disorders, anxiety, anger management and ADHD, Miriam imparts self regulation techniques where clients learn to develop tools for a balanced, fulfilled and enriched life. Miriam lectures internationally and has over 250 audio classes available on CD. She authored multiple books on marriage, family and mastery of emotional self-integration. Additionally, Miriam leads a non-profit organization, providing a resource for the neediest to access appropriate Mental Health care. Miriam can be reached at 646-243-0842 or via e-mail at [email protected].