In Pirkei Avos, Rabbi Eliezer instructs, "…be not quick to anger" (Avos 2:10). Chazal instruct us that someone who is angry is like an idol worshipper since he is not in control of his rage and is acting in a self-serving way. He relinquishes his opportunity for free choice to the emotion of anger and follows its dictates.

The Yetzer Hara presents us with multiple opportunities that challenge our middos (character) development, especially in the area of our greatest weaknesses. In this sense, the different challenges and tests we are given in our lives ultimately enable us to refine ourselves. Our children are our greatest blessings, but they too can challenge us.

Under stress, each person reacts differently. Before responding to a situation, we should think about the goal of the interaction, rather than just reacting out of habit. When something that "triggers" our anger comes our way, we can use this reflective process to decide how to address it rather than letting our anger make the choice for us.

Here is a fictional example, Mrs. Cohen comes home from the grocery store, to find that her young children have scattered clothes and toys on the floor, while under the supervision of a babysitter. What could she do?

She might:

a) Smile, and say, "Well, kids will be kids."

b) Raise her voice at the babysitter, and say, "I'm paying you to watch my children - why have you let them wreck the living room?"

c) Storm out of the house, muttering, "I can't take this anymore."

d) Raise her voice at the children, yelling, "Kids, don't you know how to put your toys away?"

e) Pay the babysitter, and join the kids in cleaning up the room.

f) Take a deep breath, have something to eat and drink, and then calmly address the cleanup with the children.

In this situation, which of these alternatives would you choose? Some of them would promote a healthy engagement with her children, while others will both distance her from her children and make them sad, upset, or afraid. Let's take a closer look at her options, and the consequences from each one:

• In case a, if Mrs. Goldsmith realizes that their behaviors are appropriate for her children's level of development, she can accept the situation as something that should be expected and keep herself from becoming angry in the first place. She then has the option to take advantage of the positive potential in the situation, by keeping herself from anger and letting this be a "teachable moment" for her children.
• In case b, blaming the babysitter in front of the children is likely to teach her children that she doesn't respect the babysitter and that they do not need to show the babysitter respect, either. The children may even learn to extend this attitude of disrespect to other adults as well. By berating the babysitter, the mother could also be teaching the children another unfortunate lesson, that one has the right to verbally abuse someone when they have been paid money for a service.
• In case c, by storming out of the house, Mrs. Cohen is teaching her children by example how adults can handle stress. They also learn that their Mommy may abandon them (even briefly) if they have done something she feels is unacceptable. As a result, on some level, they must be "bad," since they have "made Mommy go away." On a deeper level, this level teaches the children to be afraid, because they no longer trust that Mommy will be completely reliable, understanding or predictable.
• Mrs. Cohen had a choice of many possible ways to address her children in this situation. In example d, by asking them "Don't you know how to put your toys away?" she is insulting their intelligence. This is likely to hurt their self esteem and will not motivate them in the long run.
• Clearly, case e is a preferable option. Mrs. Cohen meets her immediate responsibility to the babysitter, while leaving the option open for a discussion of the situation with the babysitter at a more appropriate time. Then, instead of verbally punishing the children, she sets a positive example for them by helping in cleaning up the toys. This motivates the children to join their mother in the desired cleanup activity. It also gives her the opportunity to make it more fun by turning it into a game, and a positive learning experience, without hurting anyone's feelings as in some of the previous examples.
• Case f, in which Mrs. Cohen ignores the mess when she first arrives home, is also a desirable approach. It gives her a chance to calm down and address the situation after reviewing all of her options, instead of letting her emotions take over. By doing so, she also shows her children that sometimes it is appropriate for a mother to take care of her own needs first, especially when it make her better equipped to deal with a potentially stressful situation.

As parents, and as people, we all have a natural inclination to slip into our learned or practiced patterns to address stressful situations, even when they may not be the most constructively available options. However, if we can manage our own anger, that will enable us to rationally consider all the options available, and to actively choose one that is most appropriate, promoting our goals for the situation and the interaction.

May we have success in that worthy pursuit!

SIDEBAR:

Here is a list of ideas that can help parents keep their emotions in check when dealing with misbehaving children:

*Develop a support network (friends, a formal support group, or therapy)

*Remember to take care of your immediate physiological needs first (adequate sleep, food, etc.)

*Become aware of your "triggers" including physiological, environmental, and historical experiences.

*Try to avoid or prevent anger-inducing situations whenever realistically possible. Planning helps!

*Choose your battles

*Figure out the goal of your interaction

*Reserve yelling for situations of actual danger

*Monitor yourself for physical signs of tension, including tensed muscles, pressured or loud speech, increased breathing or heart rate. When you are feeling tense, be more cautious about how you react to your children's behavior.

*Do not be afraid to ask for help in managing your children or your emotions whenever needed.