By Milcah Harari, LMSW
As Printed in the Jewish Press Health Supplement of December 29, 2010
"Time for bed, girls!" As Chani heard these words, she panicked: her heart started to race, her stomach churned, and a cold sweat began to form all over her body. It was nighttime, the part of the day she dreaded most, when she would lie awake consumed with worries.
Chani desperately wanted to sleep, but she couldn't. She turned her head to the side, but there they were: those four numbers, glowing bright red and blinking repeatedly. Minute by minute, the alarm clock taunted her: 8:30…8:33…9:00…9:36. She wanted so badly to fall asleep, but every night her mind repeated this same agonizing routine. Every night, she experienced terrifying and inescapable thoughts. Although Chani frantically tried to distract herself from the gnawing anxieties that kept creeping up, nothing seemed to calm her down. The alarm clock's red numbers kept blinking.
The questions did not stop. "What was that noise? What if there is a robber waiting right outside my bedroom door?" "What if something terrible is about to happen? Will I die if I didn't eat enough dinner tonight?" More and more thoughts raced through Chani's mind until she couldn't take it anymore. She ran as fast as she could to the one place she thought was safe - her parents' bedroom.
Many children like Chani experience a level of anxiety that interferes with their ability to lead a normal life. Anxious children become highly distressed in many situations where distress doesn't seem warranted. Children with recurring thoughts of anxiety are unable to go about their daily routines.
Fearful and nervous, they begin making excuses in order to avoid situations which they deem anxiety-provoking. They may develop stomachaches or headaches and feel too sick to attend school or participate in activities that make them feel nervous.
In stressful situations, visibly distressed children will constantly ask themselves "what if" questions. Generally, such questions do not go away with attempts by a parent to logically respond to the question or to console the child. Putting these anxious children to sleep at night becomes a difficult and frustrating chore; often, children with anxiety do not want to go to sleep alone as they are afraid of the worries and nightmares that will keep them up throughout the night.
Parents should strive to have the same expectations of an anxious child as they do from the other children in the family. This is crucial for the child's overall development; it is important, therefore, that the anxious children not assume the role of the "sick child" in the family, and that parents be careful in demonstrating special treatment. At the same time, however, it is necessary for a parent to validate his/her child's fears and allow the child to express any feelings and worries. Simply telling your child not to worry will not alleviate the anxiety that the child is feeling at that particular moment.
In helping children cope with anxiety, parents may find it useful to encourage children to postpone their worries to a designated time of the day in which they can all schedule a "worry period" and share their feelings. A "worry period" can give your child the opportunity to delay worrying until a later, scheduled time. This way, your child may be in a better position to function in the present.
Most importantly, keep in mind that children are very attuned to their surroundings and aware of the conversations taking place around them. It is imperative that parents avoid feeding their children with material for their anxieties. By refraining from anxiety-provoking speech, parents can actively create a safe and positive environment, and thereby improve the quality of life for their children.
Milcah Harari recently graduated from Wurzweiler School of Social Work and is currently working for the Boro Park office of the Jewish Board of Family and Children Services and Interborough Developmental and Consultation Center in Canarsie.