We have all seen the frightening and disturbing images from Israel of children huddling with their parents on the ground, in the street, hiding in safe rooms or bomb shelters as rockets fired from Gaza attempt to harm Israeli citizens. We have seen the videos of groups of children, perhaps five- or six-year-olds, singing a song designed to soothe them, a song about seeking safety when the warning sirens sound as they rush with their teachers to a safe area within their school. Some of the children in the pictures and videos are smiling; some seem terrified. From a very young age, these children have been taught the protocols for safety when the siren signals the alert. They have been trained to take precautionary measures to protect themselves. It is a dreadful way to live, but it is a necessity for their welfare. And while it is a requirement for their wellbeing, it turns out that some of these protective actions may even offer the children a brighter and psychologically healthier view of coping with life.

When a person is subjected to any form of trauma – and seeking shelter during rocket attacks is but one form of distress – they have a natural physiological and psychological reaction. That reaction may result in severe traumatic consequences that can negatively impact them for the rest of their lives, or, on the other hand, they may have no significant long-term impact at all. Others may have some mild after-effect.

People who have only momentary reactions, or who seem completely unaffected by trauma, are called resilient. Resilient people are those who have a positive rather than a negative emotional adaptation to any traumatic events they have experienced. They do not develop significant shock reactions nor do they suffer depressions, eating disorders, anxiety reactions, cardiac illnesses and a host of other possible long-term negative consequences. Somehow, resilient people take the terrible event almost in stride.

There is a good deal of misinformation about resiliency. Perhaps the most pervasive is that all children are resilient. This data is based on a limited time frame view of children who were exposed to a traumatic event. When followed over longer periods of time, different patterns emerge. Initially, following any sort of trauma, many children seem unfazed by the ordeal, but many years later, even well into adulthood, the post traumatic symptoms can emerge. While many were resilient in the face of trauma in their early years, some develop reactions as they get older.

We are only beginning to find out just what it is that helps people to become resilient. What we do know at this point is that approximately 30% of all people have a degree of resiliency that protects them from having a negative emotional reaction to a horrible stress they may have experienced. We also know that there is no connection at all between having the ability to be resilient and character or genetic history. Some people, regardless of their personality – be it introverted or extraverted, impulsive or sedate, friendly or withdrawn – are capable of handling traumatic events in a somewhat calmer manner. Some individuals with similar character styles may be resilient while others with the same traits are not. What this tells us is that being resilient is not inborn, but it is something that is learned and developed, usually starting earlier in life. In fact, being resilient is essentially a mindset, an attitude and belief in one’s own ability to handle stress, pain or suffering. We are beginning to understand just how this important self-protective trait of resiliency is developed.

There has been some research into the type of people who are hardy and robust in the face of strain, and while there is no clear and specific formula to teach resilience, there is an interesting hint at what correlates with hardiness. When children are taught their family’s narrative, when they are told about their family’s history and the events their relatives experienced, they seem to have a healthier, longer view of life. If they know details of their grandparents’ lives, the ups and downs of the events they went through and how their own parents were able to cope, then they develop a stronger sense of self. When this information is coupled with a broader worldview in which there is interaction with others and helping people who are less fortunate, with a focus on family strength rather than family possessions, resiliency seems to naturally develop.

Parents who spend time at meals, family celebrations, holidays and vacations speaking of family cohesiveness and connectedness, provide a framework that teaches continuity even in the face of terrible stressors, like rocket attacks and war. When parents model resilience and talk about the family as a supportive, enduring unit, their children are more likely to be strong in the face of stress.

Dr. Michael Salamon is a fellow of the American Psychological Association and is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests and books including Abuse in the Jewish Community, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures and Every Pot Has a Cover.