BY: Tova Katz LMFT

These days home organization is an extremely popular fad. If you Google the term "declutter" you will get 3,230,000 hits in just .06 seconds. Everyone is trying to pick up the latest tips on how to relinquish what they don't need, reorganize what they do have, and reprioritize how things should be. "Clutter" is the key word and it is essentially the enemy. It consists of the 'stuff' we pick up along the pathway of life; day in and day out. It can be an overwhelming and seemingly endless job to declutter our homes- being that it is a by-product of the past, present and future…

There is another type of 'home organization' which also requires consistent perseverance and effort- that of "decluttering" your marriage. This most important relationship has a way of picking up 'stuff' that can be similarly overwhelming. Much of the strain in marriage is due either to:

§ some unmet expectation or unresolved issue generated in the past;

§ insecurity, conflict and poor communication occurring in the present; or

§ worry and anxiety over unsatisfied needs and unfulfilled dreams in the future.

Decluttering your marriage is highly worthwhile since it enables you to see more clearly all the good that lies right before you. Much like finding a favorite shirt tucked under a pile of clothes that are rarely worn, the joy and positive opportunities of marriage can sometimes be obscured by the common challenges of marital life. By eliminating some of the clutter that is hampering your vision, you can bring a more satisfying and fulfilling marriage into view!

Relinquish the PAST

To begin the process of decluttering, it is crucial to begin sorting through what you have accumulated from your background, prior to your marriage. This requires taking stock of what you brought in with you from your past that may influence the way you operate in your marital relationship. This is especially critical in the early stage of marriage as a new couple establishes their foundation for their marital relationship. It is helpful to explore your template for what you assume marriage ought to look like. What are some of your expectations you have for marriage? Where did these expectations come from- your family of origin? Your parents' own marital style? Do you and your spouse have a similar template for marital expectations? Notice the differences and similarities from your individual backgrounds. Identifying various expectations and preconceived notions about marriage can be helpful in enabling couples to get "on the same page" and merge their vision of what marriage entails.

Sorting through your past also can include digging up those old arguments and painful exchanges between you and your spouse which took place at some earlier point in your marriage, which you haven't quite let go of. Harboring ill-will or deep hurt over time can build the level of negativity, eventually leading to a state known as negative sentiment over-ride. In this state, the relationship is so laden with built-up frustration and resentment that everything gets interpreted negatively. Small offenses become magnified and miscommunications swirl out of control - due to unresolved issues in the past. The good news is, once you have identified some of these memories and offenses, you can begin to work through them in a healthy fashion and heal the pain or damage that they may be causing.

Reorganize the PRESENT

Sifting through the patterns and features that have been established in your marriage is the next step in this process. Couples tend to get stuck interacting with each other in fixed patterns that may not be healthy or effective. For example, people often slip into roles of over-functioning or under-functioning with their partners, in which one of the spouses has taken on too much responsibility-and the other, not enough. This discrepancy may be apparent in any realm: emotional, physical, practical and/or financial. The couple can become locked in a 'seesaw' type of inversely proportional relationship where the more one holds down their side, the less the other one contributes from their end. This unhealthy pattern can result in problematic relationship dynamics such as enmeshment, co-dependency and resentment.

While searching through the nooks and crannies of your marriage, another cluster of things to clean out are unhealthy interactions which can be rooted in individual insecurity or low self-esteem. This is highly beneficial since individuals who become more secure with themselves, including both their strengths and their weaknesses, tend to have more effective and constructive communication.

In a healthy marriage, the couple should be able to communicate both positive and negative aspects of their relationship in constructive ways. Constructive communication builds the marital relationship, as opposed to destructive communication which BREAKS DOWN the marital relationship. When a husband and wife are able to exchange genuine input about their feelings, needs or preferences, the overall capacity for working through issues in the marriage increases dramatically.

Sift Through your Collection of Communication styles

Sarcasm, laundry lists, untimely venting, harsh start-ups, criticizing, labeling, over-generalizing and blaming are all examples of unhealthy communication styles which may have been collected over the years. Couples get so used to speaking in these ways that they barely notice how much negativity and distance they generate. Inspect your relationship for certain kinds of negativity, which can be so lethal to the relationship that world renowned relationship expert Dr. John M. Gottman calls them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (*See sidebar for more information). Usually these four horsemen develop in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and then stonewalling.

Reprioritize the FUTURE

To review, the first stage required sorting through your piles of old habits and patterns, exploring your background and uncovering buried issues and old hurts from under the layers. Then there's delving through the collection of unhealthy interactions, insecurities, and toxic styles of communication to see which ones we may have gotten comfortable with that need to be addressed. What comes next?

The maintenance plan. If we truly want to affect long-term change in the future, the key is to set small, realistic goals and chip away at them consistently. Changing the nature of a marital relationship is not something that happens overnight. It requires much effort and dedication, and in many cases, may require the assistance of a professional marriage counselor or therapist.

Any professional organizer will tell you that fighting the accumulation of clutter is an ongoing endeavor. The more you keep on top of it, the less unwanted build-up will accrue. The same is true for marriage! If you make your marriage a priority by putting effort into meeting each other's needs and actualizing your potential as a couple, then you will surely see results. This includes building yourself individually while simultaneously working on your marital relationship i.e. creating positive lines of communication, nipping negativity in the bud before it multiplies, and spending quality time together creating happy memories. By following these organizational tips, you will be on your way to building the type of home that the two of you can enjoy and feel perfectly comfortable living in!

Mrs. Tova R. Katz is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) who specializes in marital and pre-marital counseling, as well as treatment of anxiety, depression, and other individual and family issues. Her clinical practice is Long Island Couples and Family Counseling (LICFC) in the Five Towns and Far Rockaway areas. She has lectured in the NEFESH Conference for Orthodox Mental Health professionals on pre-marital counseling and she lectures on Marriage Enhancement in various settings. She is trained as a J.M.E. (Jewish Marriage Education) Kallah Teacher and treats women and kallahs with intimacy issues. She can be reached at [email protected].

* Toxic Communication Styles - ("Gottman's Four Horsemen"):

Criticism: as opposed to a complaint- which addresses a specific action or situation where your spouse disappointed you, criticism is more global, including blame and general character assassination. "I'm really angry that you didn't sweep the floor last night" is a complaint. "You're so selfish. How could you leave the floor like that?" is a criticism.

Contempt : sarcasm, cynicism, mud-slinging, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. These are toxic to the relationship since they convey disgust. They lead to more conflict than reconciliation. Comments such as: "what's wrong with you?" or "you're not normal!" are expressions of contempt.

Defensiveness : A state of defending your position rather than listening to what the other person is saying. It is rarely effective since it is actually a way of blaming your partner. In effect you are saying "The problem isn't me, it's you."

Stonewalling : In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start-ups, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out and shuts down. This is what we refer to as stone-walling. Think of the husband who comes home from yeshiva and is met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, so he buries his head in a sefer or busies himself on his computer… which causes her to yell even more until he eventually gets up and leaves the room. This husband is stonewalling. He disengages rather than confronting her. He may be avoiding a fight, but he's also avoiding his marriage. This is far more common among men than women (though women do this at times too). It is a result of feeling overwhelmed or flooded by all the negativity coming his way. This may seem passive and indifferent, like a "stone-wall"- but inside there's intense anger and turmoil which needs to be addressed.

Gottman, John M., Ph.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work . Published by Three Rivers Press, (May 16, 2000).