by Rabbi ShlomoSlatkin, MS, LCPC

In dealing with couples, I often find one or both parties questioning whether they married the right person. While you might expect this question to be reserved for newlyweds, there are, unfortunately, couples who are grandparents still asking it.

In reality, this is one of the most destructive questions you can ask about your marriage. I understand that livingwith an unhappy marriage is an extremely painful experience, so it is easy to assume a passive role, give up, and daydream how things could have been different with someone else. Yet this will only exacerbate your problems. Taking a proactive role in your relationship is the best way to ensure that both you and your spouse become the right person.

The first step is to realize that it’s not all about your spouse. Many couples are in an unhappysecond marriage. If their divorce was their ex’s fault, why are they having issues with their new spouse? Is it just bad luck? More likely, it is because, ultimately, you take yourself into whatever relationship you enter.

Most couples do not take responsibility for their role in their relationship disaster. Even worse, some spouses who have taken a psychology course in college are ready to diagnosis their partner with a personality disorder. Is it always the case that our spouse is the evil monster with psychological problems? Or do we also play a role in triggering such undesirable behavior?It would be beneficial to ask ourselves whatweare doing to contribute to our relationship stress.

One observation I have made is that most of the things that really bother us about our partner are only partially about them and largely about us. Otherwise, why would that particular trait or incident appear insignificant to our friend? The nature vs. nurture paradigm is very much involved in determining how we process and react to others.

For example, we may have grown up feeling ignored or not fully heard by our parents. It is no wonder when we try to get our spouse’s attention and he/she is checking email and not responding that it may stir up strong feelings for us. Maybe our spouse was in the middle of something important and not intentionally ignoring us, but we feel emotionally charged by the incident.

 But our external triggers, as real as they may be, are only symptoms of a greater problem. That problem is our story and ourselves –which is the reason becoming more conscious about why we react the way we do can help us learn to be more effective in our relationship and have more compassion for our spouse.

Furthermore, these points of conflict are blessings in disguise, challenges thatcause us to become better and more balanced people. Marriage is ultimately an opportunity for growth and healing. The things that bother us most about our spouse or the things that our spouse complains about us are usually the areas in which we could stand to grow. For example, if your inflexibility or your carelessness didn’t bother your spouse, how would you be compelled to improve in those areas? 

So, your marriage crisis is not proof that you ended up with the wrong person; rather, it shows that you made the right choice. The hopes of someone better are futile, because Mr./Mrs. Right will serve as a vehicle for your personal growth. (Of course, this does not justify any form of physical and emotional abuse. Each one of us must take responsibility for our actions and even if we do something that elicits a strong reaction in our spouse, it does not excuse our behavior. )

After the honeymoon ends, your spouse will surely push your buttons, but still this is not proof that you ended up with the wrong person. Might as well give it your all and make it work the first time around, instead of breaking up a family, spending lots of money on attorneys, and suffering additional heartache.

Rabbi Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and is available for lectures and seminars. This article is excerpted from his new book, Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage. For a free download, please visit www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over or call 443-570-7598.