Mind Body and Soul

By now, we are all too familiar with the concept of Internet abuse, and how destructive it can be, but before we pity those who have been caught in the Internet's web (pun intended) and think we are better than that, let us take a look and examine ourselves.

Who has gone to a wedding and spent time there checking e-mails or texts, rather than talking with the person beside him at the seuda or relaxing and sharing in the pleasure of the simcha? Who has communicated via text message to someone whom he knew in his heart he should really call or even talk to face to face, but it was just easier to avoid the direct contact with this difficult person? Who has indulged in a little iPhone game or computer game, in order to relax, and spent way too long playing, rather than talking to loved ones or getting needed sleep? Who has gone on Facebook to catch up with relatives, only to find himself distracted by a search for that girl that he knew when he was 16 and he just wants to see what happened to her? Who has logged on for one practical reason and found himself following something that caught his eye-a video of a dancing cat, Facebook news from some random old friend with whom you don't really have a relationship or some empty gossip?

So is the Internet really connecting all of us or isolating us and tearing us apart? If we spent less time on the Internet, would we spend more time calling the people we love, going out to be with people or maybe even lifting our eyes for long enough to notice how our spouses and children are doing?

The power of the Internet is undeniable. It has transformed our world. It is at the heart of social and political revolutions. It gives access to beautiful Torah. And it gives us access to information and multilevel communication that was unthinkable just a few years ago. But anything with great power for good also has great power for bad. We need to learn how to effectively make use of computers and the Internet, and to introspect and understand the effect they are having on us and on our relationships.

The Internet can rob us of our humanity in two ways. The first way concerns our relationship with the world outside of us and the second concerns our relationship with ourselves.

Is Anyone Out There?

The Internet has increased the range of people we communicate with, but not the depth of our communications. Some people praise e-mail because it has brought back the art of writing. Well, quickly composed, structureless, minimally introspective communication is not much of an art, is it? E-mail is convenient and quick, not only in its mode of delivery, but in the amount of effort we generally put into the communication. The truth in life is, however, when we put little into something, we will get little out of it.

Many people are drawn to the digital world because life online is so much easier than having to interface with the real world. Why deal with mosquitoes, rain, high pollen count, cold wind, crowds and the other challenges of the outside world, when we can have almost any virtual experience in the climate-controlled comfort of our own homes? We can attend concerts, view the wonders of nature or have the most interesting conversations, just a click away. But it is the very convenience of these experiences that harms us. In life, we do not grow from the easy and anticipated experiences. Rather, we grow when things don't go our way, when we are uncomfortable, when we don't know how to navigate circumstances. On the Internet we can design a communication network that only exposes us to people with whom we are comfortable. But what about those in the outside world with whom we are not comfortable-like a depressed elderly woman, a braggart who talks too much or screaming child. If we venture out into the world, with the conviction that Hashem put all people out there for our good, we might try to cheer up the elderly woman, remind the braggart to let someone else talk or play a game with the upset child to calm him down. By interfacing with these people, we might have to get take our mind off of ourselves and our insatiable desires and perceive the needs of another. And isn't that why Hashem put those "difficult" people out there anyway?

In addition to the isolating effects of our digital devices, I am disturbed by a practice that I am seeing amongst some couples, in which they start or continue their fights through texts/emails. These people say they have good reasons (rationalizations) for this practice. A spouse might tell me that things become less explosive if they communicate this way or that his partner is always interrupting him, so this is his only way to make a complete statement. The problem is that fights are rarely just about the immediate subject of the disagreement. Rather their underlying cause is the emotional state of the relationship. Frequently, emotional disconnection is a central issue. So let's look at this: If they are really fighting because of emotional disconnection, how are long-winded, self-justifying text messages going to improve anything? The husband and wife need to look at each other, honestly express their hurt or concerns and try to understand each other. If they need help with this, they should call a couples therapist, rather than creating more distance by sending each other self-justifying text messages.

Is There Anyone In Here?

Just like Hashem fills the word with many things that we would rather not see, so he also puts into our selves many things we would prefer to disown. Each of us, in looking at ourselves, sees aspects that we dislike. We might think we are too fat or too skinny or lacking in confidence, intelligence, wealth or eloquence. We may have hurts from unmet childhood needs, relationships gone sour, and guilt about bad choices. But, never fear, behind the security of our computer monitor, we can emphasize the qualities in ourselves that we want to project, and confidently chat online with others. If we have a flare for fantasy and drama, we can completely remake ourselves into totally different virtual persons. There are many websites devoted to this very purpose. Is the 21^st century too dull for you? You can make yourself into a 12^th century warrior, killing the dragons, winning acclaim and living a parallel fantasy existence. Is this just a harmless past time? Perhaps. But it could also be a distraction from our real problem, which is a refusal to look within and come to terms with ourselves.

In my view, there are two essential experiences for living a spiritual and psychologically healthy life. This can only occur if we put other distractions aside. The first experience is serious and disciplined introspection, in which we face who we are, what we need, how we can grow and recognize the ways that we impede our own growth. This is the opposite of remaking oneself. It is coming to finally know oneself. It is realizing that one needs to stop pretending that his deficits are not there and get to work on accepting what he cannot change and fixing what he can. The other essential for spiritual/psychological health is a direct emotional connection with another person, preferably face to face. People can chat ad nauseam on the Internet, but it is only when they look someone else in the eye that their spiritual essence starts to emerge. And when it does emerge, we know that we are not alone. And that is what Hashem wants us to realize most of all.