For the purpose of this article we will be discussing two types of problem that impact marriages – couple problems and individual problems, and two types of therapy – marital and individual. Like the handyman who needs to know the details of a job before deciding upon the right set of tools to bring along, it's helpful to recognize the type of marital issue you are facing when choosing one type of therapy over another.

So what is a couple problem and what is an individual problem?

A couple problem emerges as a result of and in the context of a relationship. The problem exists because of the relationship rather than alongside it. The behaviors of both husband and wife are maintaining it or “keeping it alive” and both are responsible for taking steps to improve the situation. One example of a couple problem might be a conflict over management of finances – common enough, that ends up pulling apart the entire fabric of the relationship. Husband believes that money should be spent only on necessities. Wife likes to spend on the occasional luxury and considers the spouse's position to be restrictive and unnecessary. The conflicting attitudes trigger frequent arguments and feelings of annoyance and worry on the part of the spender, and of being stifled and guilt on the part of the saver. When the couple try and address their differences, it usually ends with yelling, crying, and slamming of doors. Mostly, the couple avoid thinking too much and hope it will somehow go away on its own. The recurring flareups, however, and the constant worry and guilt, bring stress to the marriage. The couple eventually find themselves arguing over things that they had previously been able to negotiate with ease, and the affection they once had for each other seems to be eroding by the day.

Relationships are complex, marital relationships particularly so. Even typically good communicators can find themselves struggling to listen and respond effectively when “triggered” by a spousal disagreement. Underlying themes from the past contribute to expectations and fears, and cloud the judgment of usually clear thinking people. In the absence of productive or “facilitative” communication the emotional, psychological, and physical needs of a couple are not adequately met. This leads to frustration, anger, loss of affection, sadness, and worry. Some couples feel unprepared or insufficiently safe to openly discuss the problem with each other. More common, however, is the scenario in which husband and wife make multiple attempts at resolving the problem. Owing to the underlying communication deficiency, these attempts don't help, and, on the contrary, make the situation worse.  

Marital therapy can provide a safe and controlled environment in which a couple can learn to listen to, and effectively communicate with, one another. Among other things, a marital therapist is trained to assist a couple in recognizing underlying themes that are producing fears and “inhibiting” healthy communication. A successful course of marital therapy is dependent, however, on both husband and wife assuming responsibility for their roles in creating and resolving the problem. Marital therapy is frustrating and ultimately unhelpful when husband, wife, or both, are unwilling to “let go” of the belief that it's the “other spouse” who's responsible for the problem and for its improvement. It's helpful to realize that, initially, one spouse maybe slower to “get on board” with the idea of therapy. This does not necessarily imply that he or she is unable or unwilling to accept responsibility. Initial resistance to therapy is quite common and can be a result of fear of the unknown. Perhaps more time is needed. If the spouse is assuming his or her responsibility for the couple problem, however, he or she will get on board. If this does not happen this might be a sign of unwillingness to assume responsibility.  

Individual problems usually predate the marriage they sometimes emerge for the first time, however, towards the beginning of a marriage, or after the arrival of a first child. Common forms of individual problems are depression, anxiety, addiction, and unresolved childhood trauma. To a greater or lesser extent, individual problems “spill over” into the marriage. This type of problem is the sole responsibility of the spouse, and, as a rule of thumb, individual therapy is appropriate. Marital therapy can be helpful as an “adjunct” to individual, for the purpose of assisting the couple with the “spillover.” For example, if a husband's depression negatively impacts the marriage, and contributes to frequent arguments, marital therapy can help the couple communicate better, while individual therapy will help the husband overcome and cope better with the depression.

Abusive behavior of any type is another form of individual problem*. The abuser is always responsible for the abusive behavior - not the couple. There is never an excuse for abuse. With all individual problems, and especially abuse, productive marital work can only take place after the individual accepts sole responsibility for the problem, and for any necessary behavioral changes.

In conclusion, if you are experiencing problems in your marriage and are wondering if marital therapy is the way to go, the most important question to ask is, “Are both my spouse and I prepared to assume responsibility for improving the marriage?” If the answer is yes, marital therapy can be a wonderful opportunity to enhance understanding of your partner and of your self, to improve upon your communication abilities, and, ultimately, to create a peaceful, and mutually supportive marriage.   If the answer is no, or if you're unsure, it might be helpful to begin with individual therapy, and reconsider marital therapy at a later stage.

*Abuse includes, but is not limited to, violence or threats of violence, a pattern of controlling behavior, a pattern of behavior that demeans the spouse, a pattern of disrespect for a spouse's personal and religious standards, and a pattern of violating a spouse's physical space and emotional boundaries.