There is a story in the Gemara (Shabbos 31a) of a man who tells Hillel that

he will convert if Hillel can teach him the entire Torah while he, the prospective

convert, stands on one foot. Hillel agrees, telling him, “De’alach sanei, lechavrach

la sa’avid – That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow.” “This,” Hillel

went on to say, “is the entire Torah; all the rest is an elaboration of this. Go study

A healthy, caring and respectful marriage is multifaceted. Many books have

been written and many talks have been given on creating and maintaining shalom

bayis. In order to understand what goes on in a healthy marriage, however, it is

helpful to have a guiding principle on which we can base our understanding of

everything else. This principle will also help us understand what may be going

wrong in a marriage, how to conceptualize a particular problem and what the

appropriate intervention might be.

A healthy relationship is one in which each spouse feels responsible,

and sees it as his or her tafkid, to enjoy, consider and take care of the other:

emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically. When this dynamic

is present between spouses it is at the heart of the most fulfilling and healthy

marriages. This is not to say that everyone always gets what he or she wants, or

that there are not some areas that are deferred to the husband or to the wife, even

exclusively. What it does mean is that in a healthy marriage, each spouse acts to

consider the needs, feelings, opinions and perspective of the other. We can refer

to this as a functional marriage, because both partners are functioning in their

intended roles, and the marriage works in the way that it was intended.

In a home where there is significant strife of some sort – what can be called

a dysfunctional marriage – we will find, in one form or another, one or both

spouses not abiding by this guiding principle. This may occur for a variety of

reasons. There might be mental health issues that are getting in the way of the

couple having a functional healthy relationship. One of the spouses may have a

serious mental illness, an addiction, an anxiety or personality disorder. Not always,

but sometimes when this is the case the spouse with the mental health problem

may not be emotionally available to focus on or attend to the needs of his or her

spouse. This dynamic can also happen when one spouse has experienced some sort

of significant trauma, and reacts to it by turning inward and withdrawing. This can

leave the couple in a lot of turmoil and distress.

The other major cause of dysfunction in a marriage can be thought of

generally, as a basic lack of understanding of the role of a healthy caring spouse.

One or both spouses may be overly focused on themselves, and what their spouse

or the marriage, as a new chapter in their life, can provide for them. That focus can

permeate many if not all aspects of the marriage and cause tremendous tension and

discord. This may be due to a lack of chinuch about the proper role of a husband or

 Sometimes, however, one or both spouses in the marriage have the right

ideas, and are even trying to consider and care for their spouse in different aspects

of their life, they just don’t know how. Sometimes a couple has poor or different

communication styles, which leads to misunderstandings and discord. Sometimes

the couple doesn’t have a mechanism for healthy conflict management, acceptance

or resolution; and sometimes, one or both spouses acts out of misunderstood or

inaccurate assumptions or expectations leading to disappointment, anger and

frustration. There are any number of areas of misunderstanding that if a couple

does not have the ability or mechanism to reconcile or manage their differences

can lead to ‘shalom bayis’ problems.

In cases of domestic abuse, on the other hand, the abuser is not focused on

himself due to a mental illness, lack of proper chinuch about his role, or a lack of

understanding of how to fulfill that role. An abusive spouse firmly believes that it

is his entitlement to have his needs met, by his wife and sees no place for the

concept of considering hers. He expects to make all decisions he feels are

important, and have the home and his spouse comply with exactly the way he

wants things to be. For the abuser, it’s all about him. The abuser believes this so

strongly that he is willing to utilize a variety of abusive tactics in order to gain and

maintain the control, using fear, that will ensure that his needs, including the

expectation of power over his spouse, be met. (Please note, when discussing

dysfunctional relationships gender neutral terms were used, because the

dysfunctional spouse is just as commonly the wife as the husband. Where there is

domestic abuse, however, in most of the cases the abuser is the husband, so the

pronoun “he” for the abuser and “she” for the victim have been used. However, if

the husband is being abused our understanding of the problem or the intervention

should not be different.)

There are a number of tactics that abusers commonly use to gain and

maintain their control in the relationship. These tactics are sometimes the

demands and expectations themselves that the abuser has, or are used to enforce or

as consequences to ensure that his needs are met as he expects them to be and his

decisions are adhered to. The following are some of the most commonly used

tactics/demands:

 Often the abuser will isolate his spouse from friends or family members

in an attempt to keep her focused solely on him. He may accomplish this by

monitoring her, by making her account for her time, checking up on her, or

demand that she go out only with people and to do things that he approves of. He

may accomplish this by creating strife between her and her friends and family

members, or by making it so unpleasant for her if she attempts to have a social life,

that she cuts off contact with people on her own. This may happen because he calls

incessantly when she is out, embarrassing her, or because he actually picks fights

with her friends or family members. Perhaps he expects her to do things, go places

and get together with only people he approves of.

Sometimes there is emotional abuse, including name-calling, breaking

things his spouse cares about, or threatening her, the children or her family.

Perhaps he does things he knows frightens his spouse, or threatens suicide if

she doesn’t comply with the way he wants things to be. Perhaps he becomes

threatening, blocking her way so she can’t leave the room or maybe even locks

her in a room because he is displeased with something that she has done He may

tell her that she’s to blame for everything that doesn’t go right in his life, or

pick on the smallest things to “prove to her” how worthless she is, while never

acknowledging all that she does right.

Sometimes an abusive spouse will use finances to exert his control and

dominance in the marriage. This may include making her account for every penny

she spends while spending freely himself. He may harass her over her every

expenditure, questioning her endlessly while at the same time denying her any real

access to the finances, or blaming her and putting her down for spending even an

insignificant amount in a way he doesn’t approve.

The abusive spouse may deny or minimize the abuse, since he sees his

behavior as justified in the service of ensuring that his needs – having things his

way and being in control in the marriage – are met. Often, if he acknowledges that

any of his behavior is inappropriate, it will be in the course of his blaming his

spouse for his “having to” or being “pushed to” behave that way.

Sometimes there will be an apology that can be considered a tactic of

dominance and control. This apology would be one that comes as a result of

the abuser realizing that he might have gone so far that there is a risk of his

wife revealing his behavior to someone thereby threatening the isolation he’s

established which supports his control. In that situation an abuser might apologize

–but falsely. An apology may be identified as a tactic when he the apology is

invariably followed by a repeat of the same kind of behavior again and again. Or

when the tone of the apology is a way of saying: “This matter is closed; you should

be over it – now, there is no more discussion of this matter!”

Some abusive spouses will even go so far as to manipulate or twist a

halachic source, or relate something that his Rav “said” to support his behaviors or

demands. Often women have related situations where they feel so despondent over

what the Rav said in response to something they were unhappy about and told their

husband it was a matter for a Rav. When thinking about it further, however, they

realize that they never heard what their husband actually asked or what the Rav

actually said. Still, they feel stuck because they feel too scared or embarrassed to

call the Rav up behind their husband’s back to explain or confirm further.

The tactic most people associate with domestic abuse is physical violence.

Although physical violence need not be present in a marriage for the marriage to

be defined as abusive, it is still the tactic most clearly recognized as “abuse.”

Sometimes this type of abuse is manifest as acts of physical assault, such as

pushing, kicking, hitting, choking or slapping. Unfortunately, sometimes the

physical assaults happen in the couple’s private life, or the abuser insists on things

in this area that are uncomfortable or inappropriate, and, as in other areas in the

marriage, he is completely unconcerned with his wife’s feelings about any of this.

What can be very confusing to people who are trying to help someone who

is having problems in their marriage is what the difference is between the

dysfunctional relationship that may have some abusive features, and domestic

abuse. In fact, there could be two marriages where there is name calling, demands

about how time is spent, how money is spent, about house keeping and

childrearing. In one case these inappropriate behaviors would be viewed as being

in the larger context of a dysfunctional relationship or spouse. In the other case

these behaviors would be viewed as being a part of the larger picture of domestic

abuse. To understand the core difference, let us return to our original guiding

principle.

In a dysfunctional relationship, although one or both parties are not making

their spouse and his or her needs a priority, the spouse who is not being cared for,

thought about or considered, has very different options. This is because, although

the dysfunctional spouse is focused on him- or herself, and is neglecting to

consider, indeed may be running over the needs of his or her spouse, this stems

from some sort of deficiency in their ability to care,in their understanding of the

responsibility to care, in their understanding of how to do that, or in their

emotional availability to pay attention care about their spouse. This is in contrast

to the abusive spouse, who is convinced that this standard of being cared for

without caring for his spouse is his entitlement in marriage.

What this means practically speaking, is that someone who is married to

a dysfunctional spouse may be hurt, disappointed or even intimidated by their

spouse’s disregard for them or demands on them; however, if they so wished, they

could assert their needs, disagree or make decisions without fear of escalating

repercussions. That person would need to step out of the role of the caring,

concerned spouse who puts their spouse’s needs ahead of their own. This may be

incredibly upsetting, because the healthy spouse in a marriage has always wanted

and expected to fulfill that role in the appropriate way. Indeed, this intentional

role-change may be frightening, because the anger, or perhaps the fragility, that

the unhealthy spouse displays seems difficult to challenge. In fact, a challenge to

the dysfunctional spouse’s self-centeredness may make the marriage seem even

more dysfunctional, in the short term, because it increases discord, as now both

spouses are “fighting” for their own needs However, in a dysfunctional marriage, it

is possible to stop the care taking role and assert ones needs. Often, when this shift

takes place, especially with professional help, profound change and improvement

can happen for that couple.

This is very different qualitatively from being married to an abusive spouse.

As we have explained, the abusive spouse lives with the conviction that the marital

relationship is all about him, and he will do whatever it takes to make sure that

conviction is fulfilled. His spouse doesn’t have the option of “fighting” to get her

needs or her opinions considered, because if she would try to fight, to ‘stand up for

herself’, she would have to contend with much more than just discord or

unpleasantness. In an abusive relationship, the abuser will continue to escalate the

consequences making things increasingly unbearable or frightening to his spouse,

until she feels she has no choice but to comply with his expectations She is often

too fearful to try and get help from an outside source because of the consequences

that the abuser is willing to employ to get his way and maintain his control.

To better understand the core differences between the abusive and the highly

dysfunctional relationship, consider the following scenario:

Shaindy was so excited to be marrying Baruch. He had a

wonderful reputation and seemed so smart andput together. At first, life with

Baruch was as beautiful as Shaindy had expected, he was interesting,

attentive, and helpful to friends and family alike. There was was one thing

though, it was a little difficult to reconcile Baruch’s emphasis on ruchniyus

with his intense attention to detail about everything,needing to have

everything just so. It started with little things, things that Shaindy didn’t

mind considering for her new husband. If anything, she thought that was

what marriage was about. When he said that he really didn’t like this back

and forth to the parfents for shabbos, that he felt it was important to stay

home more, she agreed. Well, actually, she tried to explain that her parents

didn’t really understand and that she thought it was kind of nice. At that

point, Baruch got angry telling her that it sounded like she didn’t care about

him at all and that he couldn’t believe that he had married such an insensitive

baby. Shaidy, quickly retracted, saying she never meant to make him so upset,

and they could, of course stay home more often if he felt that strongly about

it. She didn’t even point out that since they were in walking distance of his

parents, they still got to spend shabbosim with them, or one of his siblings,

eating two or even three of the shabbos meals at one of their homes, almost

every shabbos. When Baruch insisted that Shaindy bake challahs every

Shabbos, no matter where they were spending it, she tried to tell him that she

really didn’t know how, and she felt awkward bringing challahs to his

mother’s house when she baked her own every week. Baruch countered,

telling Shaindy that a wife who cared would work on her silly insecurities, and

told her that only an incompetent couldn’t learn how to bake challahs. When,

on the first few tries, her challahs didn’t come out just so, he became angry

and insulting. Shaindy redoubled her efforts to make Baruch happy, and

when she succeeded in making things just so for him, they did have some

beautiful moments Unfortunatley, she found it becoming increasingly

impossible to meet his expectations. If she bought something, she could have

gotten it cheaper somewhere else. If she made something, his mother’s was

better. If she wanted to listen to a Torah tape he would make fun of her for

being “typical” and angrily shut the machine.

 Shaindy started to feel that she was spending more and more of her

time trying to keep up with Baruch’s expectations and less and less time doing

anything else. Once she was out with some of her friends, a rare occurrence

because Baruch didn’t believe in such “frivolous” outings and almost always

made so much fun of them that she would go only one time for every four

times her friends would invite her. While they were out, Baruch called every

half hour asking when she would be coming home. When she got home he

wouldn’t talk to her. Over time Baruch expected to weigh in on all decisions

whether it was could she or couldn’t she volunteer to cook for the shul’s

chesed program, or whether she needed a new outfit for a chasunah.

At some point Shaindy started looking at the whole picture and couldn’t

believe what she was seeing. Her marriage didn’t look at all like her parent’s

caring, harmonious one. All she had been doing was trying to fulfill her role

in trying to care for and about her husband. Shaindy just didn’t understand

what was going wrong.

In this situation, it is not immediately clear whether this is a dysfunctional

relationship – one in which Baruch is obviously focused on himself and his needs

to the exclusion, almost completely, of Shaindy’s. Or, whether this is an abusive

marriage, one in which Baruch is convinced that this attention is his entitlement,

one in which his tactics of control aren’t insensitive but intended to instill fear and

will escalate theses consequences until she had no choice but to comply because

of that fear, the fear of what else he might do. It is not only Shaindy who would

be confused in this situation. A lot of people who might be ask to help, would

be confused as well. There are many of what would seem to be abusive tactics.

Baruch is insulting and demeaning (emotionally abusive) keeps her from friends

and family (isolating) and controls the finances.

However, we aren’t told about any times that Shaindy tried to voice her

displeasure and challenge Baruch’s core way of treating her. It is possible that if

Shaindy would not bake challahs on the shabbos they were going out, no matter

what – or if she’d insist on talking to someone with him about his picking on

everything she did, or if she’d listen to her shiur regardless of his disapproval, or if

she’d say she was going to her parent’s for shabbos or stay for melaveh malkah

and not be rushed home immediately after Shabbos – nothing very bad would

happen. He would be angry, he might call her names or try to verbally badger her

into doing things the way he wanted. In a highly dysfunctional if she held her

ground, the consequences wouldn’t escalate. Certainly, this is no one’s idea of the

proper behavior in marriage, but it isn’t what one would classify as domestic

abuse.

If this were in fact a case of domestic abuse, Shaindy would not have

the option of standing her ground available to her. An abuser escalates his tactics

until things become unbearable. If she she insisted on listening to her shiur he

would break the machine. If she went out with her friends more than he was

willing to tolerate, He might so severely restrict her access to money that she

couldn’t go out with her friends, threatening that if she told anyone what was

going on, he would leave.

Perhaps he’d agree to go to her parent’s for shabbos, or stay for melavah

malka rather than rushing home after havdalah, if the pressure from her and others

was strong enough, but there would be frightening consequences.Perhaps while

there he would be moody and withdrawn, disappearing after davening and not

coming home to well after everyone else. This would not only instill fear of what

consequences were to come; but, she would also be so embarrassed that she would

start to regret pressuring him to go and would think many times before making

that request again. When they got home, in a physically abusive relationship the

consequences might include physical violence. But the relationship doesn’t have

to be violent to be considered abusive.

He might punish her by refusing to go back to her parents’ home at all

for the next several months, telling her if she went it would be without him. The

consequence would then be that everyone would know about their problems.

Perhaps he would tell her how miserable she was making him by her behavior (her

insensitivity to his needs), making her feel guilty over his perceived decline into

depression. In her assumption of responsibility for being a good spouse, this would

feel unbearable. When there are children, some abusers will use the children, and

negative consequences to them, or the threat of such to instill fear and pressure her

to relent. With the children’s welfare at stake, it will be understandable when she

can’t ‘stand up’ to his demands.

What needs to be clearly understood is that in a dysfunctional marriage,

even one in which there are some forms of abusive behavior, there is a lot of pain,

hurt and maybe even worry over a spouse’s reactions. In an abusive marriage there

is fear. It may be fear of unbearable consequences, consequences that will escalate

until the abused spouse feels it is no longer worth it to try and assert her point or

her needs. Alternatively, it may be fear for her own safety or well-being, or the

well being of her children. This is an extremely important distinction, because

the interventions are very different, depending on what the specific erosion is in

that fundamental principle of building a healthy marriage. When there is

dysfunction there is one set of appropriate interventions. When there is a situation

of domestic abuse, it is important to consider safety and make sure to include

consultation with those who understand the problem completely before suggesting

and pursuing a particular intervention.

To be continued...

Shalom Task Force is a national organization that assists women and families

struggling with troubled relationships at home; it also offers professional guidance

and pointers to Rabbis who may be approached for advice by someone in a

complex and possibly dangerous situation. To contact Shalom Task Force, call

(718) 337-3700 or (888) 883-2323.