How often does your day start out inspired, renewed, full of energy and promise, only to be thwarted by a mishap, negative encounter, rude comment, disappointment or humiliation?

“That just ruined my day,” we often say. “I can’t stop thinking about that awful comment.” Or: “You expect me to be happy after this horrible thing happened?” And the negative mood trap continues, disabling the spirit and the mind.

Emotions are vulnerable to environmental circumstances. For good reason, we are sensitized to a range of feelings such as anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, rage and indifference. These feelings help us understand one another, be primed to danger, and use motivation for productivity – all to live adaptively in society.

On a deeper level, our entire being is fueled by our spirit (neshamah) to serve Hashem through refining our character traits within our day-to-day interactions with others. Keep in mind that no two people have the same combinations of emotions; for that reason, there will either be opportunity for growth or a possibility for conflict. How then can we remain content when we each have different perceptions of reality?

Psychologist Rabbi Dr. Laibel Wolf found in his research that the limbic system (the emotional portion of the brain) reacts 3-4 times faster than the left brain (responsible for developing logic, judging, deducing, and rationalizing). Therefore, we are behaviorally programmed to react emotionally rather than rationally. When you hear that common sense is not very common – it’s true, It takes training to be left brain dominant (logical, rational and wise). To develop the more sophisticated cognitive area of the brain, we can rehearse activities through mindfulness. We will discuss how to strengthen the brain’s muscles to produce intelligence, peace of mind and productivity.

Since our souls are a direct part of G-dliness, by fortifying our understanding of His ways we can protect ourselves from emotional injury. The Thirteen Attributes of Mercy comprises the secrets to Hashem’s “personality,” as it were. Each word contains enormous Divine energy, which the Zohar describes as the “Thirteen-Petalled Rose.” This energy is the greatest secret to life and the key to repair all that is broken.

The first attribute called “Hashem” is in reference to Hashem’s mercy given before the person has any merit or has acquired good deeds. The second attribute that is called Hashem, is the type of mercy given after a person has sinned.

Our Sages explain that these two attributes are placed together using the same name “Hashem” to teach a most important lesson: Hashem does not change! Whether a person has sinned or not, Hashem remains the same. How does that apply to our lives? What does that mean to us?

When someone has sinned against us – out of disrespect or improper behavior – what typically happens is a mood change. “That person hurt me; beforehand I was happy, now I’m suddenly angry or defensive.” Or, “I can’t help it; I am now really upset, don’t bother me! I’m in a bad mood!” Does this sound familiar?

The possible result is that when you are in a bad mood and encounter another person, residual negative energy reverberates and “bounces off” to the innocent “victim,” which is known in psychological terms as “projection.” Yes, it may sound oversimplified, but these are real feelings that generate serious effects on a person’s physical and emotional functioning.

How then can we protect ourselves from others’ actions, or from the negative emotional spiral?

Trying to remain disaffected seems impossible. But not if we understand that Hashem does not expect the impossible and that negative emotions are toxic and corroding our psyche.

True, attaining that stage is an ongoing journey, but there are ways to protect ourselves so that our moods don’t easily change.

Once a person develops greater wisdom, the mind becomes more powerful and emotions begin to weaken. “Moach shalet al ha’lev” – the mind controls the heart. Negative incidents don’t need to hold you captive. You can take things in stride – in a normalized way.

The Baal HaTanya teaches[1] that the Mishna’s [i]directive to “Act humble before every Jew” is literal: To actually feel humble before every Jew. How is it possible to feel humble if someone offended you?

The Baal HaTanya answers, “There are so many aspects to one’s position in life.” Meaning, who is to know the existential nature of another person? From a soul perspective, one may have a fiery personality and strongly displays a raging, aggressive temperament. Another may have an inborn frigid personality – less passionate, withdrawn, with a tendency towards depression and avoidance. Unless there is a clear risk for safety, suspend judgment even when you think you are vindicated because one can never know the internal struggles of another person and how difficult their spiritual/emotional journey can be.

How then can we train ourselves to resist the knee-jerk reaction whenever things are not going our way?

Research shows that emotions that are repeatedly dismissed from thought will become extinct. Thought gives life to emotions. You can select your thoughts, similar to tuning into a radio station. Is it possible to “rewire” your brain so you have more control over pervading symptoms of grief, anxiety or depression? The answer is yes. You have the power to “change that negative channel” and replace it with positive energy. How is this achieved? Science has recently discovered an age-old practice called Mindful Meditation, and it goes something like this:

In 2005, Sara Lazar, Ph.D., a molecular biologist at Harvard University, conducted a groundbreaking study[2] that showed that the cortex of the brain, the area thought to be involved in integrating emotional and cognitive processes, became thicker in research subjects who meditated regularly. The study also showed that meditation could reverse some of the negative changes in the brain.

According to a subsequent study which was published in the January 2011 journal of Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, a team of researchers reported that mindfulness meditation was able to make significant changes in parts of the brain associated with memory, sense of self, empathy and stress. The study is the first to document meditation-created changes to the brain.

"Although the practice of meditation is associated with a sense of peacefulness and physical relaxation, practitioners have long claimed that meditation also provides cognitive and psychological benefits that persist throughout the day," said the study's senior author, Sara Lazar, PhD, of the MGH Psychiatric Neuroimaging Research Program.

Documented physical changes in the brain

With Lazar's latest study, she and her team took MRIs of the brain structure of 16 participants in the study two weeks prior and two weeks after they took part in the program at the University of Massachusetts Center for Mindfulness.

Participants practiced mindful meditation – a practice that focuses on nonjudgmental awareness of feelings, sensations and state of mind – and were asked to keep track of how much time they spent meditating each day.

Those who meditated did so for an average of 27 minutes each day, according to the research team, practicing mindfulness exercises. Their subsequent responses to a mindfulness questionnaire as the study progressed indicated strong improvements compared to pre-study responses.

An added benefit to mindful meditation is thickening of the prefrontal cortex. This thickening is contrary to what typically happens as the brain ages. Better than a super-food, daily mediation can counter the effects of aging, says Dr. Lazar. As noted in the Harvard Crimson, “One of the weapons in the arsenal for the fight against aging of the brain is meditation.”

As life expectancy stretches longer than ever before, it is important to keep the mind fit so that we can enjoy older adulthood. Meditation may be used, not only to combat aging, but perhaps to reverse it, says Lazar.

Consider that for centuries, we have been commanded to meditate: Pray. What is the essence of prayer? The avodah “workout” of the lev - heart. What we have known to be true for millennia and is an everyday Torah obligation, is now being proven by scientific sources. “Through prayer,” the Ba’al HaTanya says, “we can banish darkness and extract good within.”
More importantly, our confidence should be bolstered by the knowledge that as human beings, we possess many advantages to help us in this endeavor: a G-dly soul, the Torah, the Sod (deepest) elements of Torah. All of this should be our roadmap through life.

According to Chazal, we have the potential to train our minds to rule over our hearts. Each one of us possesses an enormous reservoir of strength bestowed upon us as a gift and an inheritance from Hashem. This power is activated through prayer. When in the midst of a contentious moment, it is hard to remember that our life mission on earth is to gain greater control over our emotion.

This phenomenon is readily apparent in our day-to-day lives. A man leaves the home upset. It’s one of those mornings when everything has gone wrong. When he gets to the office, he is still feeling angry. To top it all off, he is late for work and is reprimanded by his supervisor. Although he lost his temper with his wife and children just a few minutes earlier, now his mind tells him: “You can’t afford to lose your cool now, or you’ll get fired! Swallow your pride and just say you’re sorry!”

In this example, logic was able to dominate and overcome the emotional force. We need physical and material drives to keep us healthy and functional; we need food for nourishment and competitiveness to direct us towards our livelihood. The dissonance begins however, when these drives are used excessively and for the wrong purpose, departing from a person’s divine goal to bring greater completion to the universe.

Take a person who has strong leadership qualities and is gifted with many talents. If those qualities are driven by craving for honor and attention, to fill unmet childhood needs, he/she will never recognize their strengths and will be endlessly dissatisfied.

As we continue to refine our character, the battle gradually decreases in intensity. It is a matter of rewiring the connection between the brain and the heart, but this cannot happen instantly. It is a step- by-step process towards greater self-mastery, which begins with a commitment to changing our habitual pattern of responding to stressful situations.

When faced with a situation where you are provoked, attacked or feel vulnerable, don’t change to accommodate the situation! Rather, let your inner strength guide your logical self to dominate your emotions, so that you can remain unaffected by the raging waters that distract you from life’s purpose.

The brain-heart connection needs an information highway. Picture the brain as the landscape, meditation as the bridge to shuttle sensible thoughts over the stormy emotional sea and finally, the vehicle to transmit positive energy is Prayer.

Mindfulness Excercises:

• Take a mental journey away from negative feelings
• Solitude: Place an invisible wall around yourself
• Stop multitasking; Stay focused and in the moment
• Concentrate of breath:. In Hebrew, neshima means breath.Use deepbreathing to activate soul power
• Imagery: Use brain to think about your ideal self and picture colors, setting and scene
• Gratefulness: Think about the meaning of the blessings when thanking Hashem for all that you have

In the generation of instant messaging, texting and microchips, our concentration is super taxed with information overload. Our maxed out mental storage capacity results in an overwhelming amount of irrelevant data. How then are we able to take the time to center ourselves and connect to our source? Souls need to be powered too, just like cell phones. We all struggle with a short attention span. How difficult is it to concentrate on prayer on a typical day when there are myriad thoughts and concerns on people’s mind?

Those 27 minutes of Meditation that Lazar found effective can be applied to the daily length of prayer done in a directed and focused manner. If you devotedly set your mind to pray with intention, despite all external distractions and actively exercise that “muscle” of mindfulness, (at a minimum of ½ hour per day), then you will succeed at eliminating provocative thoughts that lead to negative emotions. This will result in an energized, more tolerant, lighter and happier you!

[1] Tanya, Chapter 30

[2] (Lazar, Kerr, & Wasserman, Nov. 28,2005)

[i] Avos 4-10

Chana Kaiman, LCSW is a psychotherapist, lecturer and author whose specialty is in working with children, adolescents and families. She is accomplished at working effectively within a variety of settings including inpatient acute care, psychiatric settings and outpatient behavioral health.  Chana is experienced at providing therapeutic interventions for clients with depression, suicide risks, anxiety, acute and chronic trauma, chronic mental illness, mood problems related to medical diagnoses, grief and loss, relationship problems and phase of life issues. She earned her degree at Wurzweiler School of Social Work. Chana has background training in the Interpersonal/Relational model and applies psychodynamic strategies for stabilizing crisis cases at IDCC.

Chana can be reached at: [email protected] or 203-400-3197.

Miriam Yerushalmi holds an MS in Psychology and Family Therapy. She was trained at Pepperdine University and is uniquely skilled at combining behavioral and humanistic approaches to address a wide spectrum of psychopathology. Miriam applies essential Torah principles to empower individuals to release their inner healing potential while aligning with life’s purpose. Miriam lectures internationally and has over 250 audio classes available on CD. She authored multiple books on marriage, family and mastery of emotional self-integration. Additionally, Miriam leads a non-profit organization, providing a resource for the neediest to access appropriate Mental Health care.