By Aviva Biberfeld

"Ma, I'm hungry."

"Don't be silly, you can't be hungry, we just ate lunch."

"I don't like that shirt. It has too much black in it."

"What do you mean you don't like the shirt, of course you do."

"Boy, I am really hot"

"You are not hot. You can't be hot, it's a perfect temperature in here".

Do any of these lines sound familiar? Or do they just sound ridiculous? I am willing to bet that at some point in our lives we have done the same thing: We have invalidated the feelings of the person we were talking to.

You might say, "What's the big deal?" But according to Marsha Linehan, an internationally recognized expert in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (a skills based treatment being used successfully in many emotional disorders), one of the factors that contributes to the development of certain disorders is living in an invalidating environment. And just as important, one of the factors that can aid a child in growing up with a healthy sense of self is the ability of the child's caretakers to see the child as a separate person with his/her own thoughts and feelings, and to convey that understanding and acceptance of who the child is. In other words, validating the child's thoughts and feelings contributes to the child's emotional health.

One may ask, isn't it enough that I love my child? Do I have to agree with them all the time? How can I discipline them if I am so busy "accepting" them?

Let's be clear on what validation is and what it is not. Validation is the ability to accept another person's thoughts or feelings, even if they are different from yours, and to convey that to the other person. Validation is not the same as agreement or approval.

Going back to some of our examples, if children say, "I'm hungry,"they are describing an internal state that they are experiencing. Maybe you doubt they are really hungry; maybe you think they just want a nosh or are bored. You cannot know for sure what's going on inside of them. Validating them would be saying something like, "Hmm, you are hungry. That's interesting, we just finished eating a few minutes ago." Then you can follow up with a question, or just for their response.

Validation is a great way to open up a dialogue rather than shut it down. Let's say your child says, "Yes, I am hungry, I want a nosh." You can then respond, "Oh, so you want a nosh, you know what the house rule is? No nosh right after a meal."

"But it's not fair, I am hungry."

"Ok, if you are really hungry you can have either fruit or some cut up vegetables, but I'm sorry, there is no nosh now."

You have validated their feeling without giving in to what they want. Let's take one more example. You are shopping with your child and you pick out a shirt you like and you are pretty sure they will like. Your child says, "I don't like that shirt, it has too much black." While you might be confused because yesterday all they wanted was black (fashion trends change very quickly sometimes!) you can say, "You really don't like that shirt? I thought you would, but I guess I was wrong. Do you want to pick something from this rack that you like better?"

You have validated their opinion; you have not made any promises about what you will or won't buy, but you have conveyed the message that they are allowed to have different opinions from yours, and that is okay.

I am often asked by parents that I see in my practice, "Won't my child think that everything they think or feel or do is okay?" The answer is that you do want to convey the idea that they are allowed to have their thoughts and feelings (even not nice ones), and their experience is their experience. Giving them "permission" to have their own thoughts and feelings over the course of time helps them build confidence in their own perceptions and builds the belief that they are okay and it is safe for them to express their feeling or state an opinion.

You can validate and disagree. You can also validate a request and still say no. You can tell your teen that you hear that going shopping with her friends is really important to her and she feels that if she doesn't go, she will be the only one, and you feel for her, but you are not comfortable with the plans as they are and you are not letting her go. No, your teens will not jump for joy that you "get it."Actually, they are likely to be pretty upset. But, hopefully, they will not feel that you are totally out of touch with their feelings or don't care.

Validating your children (or spouse, friend, or coworker) lets them know they are important to you, that they are allowed to exist independently of you, and that even when you don't agree they can still feel that you "get"them.

Let's return to the question of action. Should we be validating all actions, even those we feel are inappropriate? The answer is no, don't validate the action, but if you show that you understand the underlying feeling, that goes a long way toward helping to stop the undesirable action, without making your child feel bad for having angry thoughts or feelings.

"You must be so frustrated that your brother keeps knocking down your Legos, but hitting is never acceptable. Let's talk about what else you can do when you are angry or frustrated."

Let me share some of what I see in my practice when emotional validation is not present. When children are not "seen"and accepted for who they are, when their feelings are continuously discounted or considered "wrong"or "bad,"they learn not to trust their perception of the world. These children are often lacking positive self esteem, they have difficulty in maintaining quality friendships because they are very unsure of themselves, and have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings.

On a more serious level, some children learn that their feelings are not okay, and they repress them; they "turn off' their feelings and don't have conscious access to them. Later on in life, these people are often very out of touch with their own emotional lives; they no longer know what they think or feel, and they often have difficulty trusting others.

These scenarios are extreme and develop as a result of continuous invalidation, along with other factors. But it is important to know that practicing validation with your children, your spouse, and your friends can deepen your relationships, inject confidence in to the people you care deeply about, and invest the next generation with the emotional building blocks they need to deal confidently and successfully with the challenges they will face.

The next time your child or spouse expresses an opinion or feeling that may not match your own, start your sentence with "You feel (tired, stressed, nervous, angry, excited, upset), or, "So you are saying that." Watch how the conversation flows and how people who may not normally talk openly might just share the things that are important to them with you.

Dr. Aviva Biberfeld is a licensed psychologist, with over twenty years experience, in full-time private practice in Brooklyn. She sees children, adolescents and adults, and has a sub-specialty in parental counseling and working with young adults. She lectures to professionals and lay audiences on a wide variety of topics of clinical interest and on Torah topics. She is a member of the Board of Nefesh International. She can be reached at 718 4376995