Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.Many parents whose children have graduated from high school are busy preparing them for a year or possibly two or more years in Israel, where they will be studying full time in a seminary or yeshiva. This event has, in many circles, come to be seen as both a developmental requirement and a defining event for teens in their transition to adulthood.
This progression from high school to a higher level of Jewish learning in Israel has been in place now for at least four decades. Most parents who send their children to Israel have themselves been there to learn. Originally, graduating seniors would not go directly to Israel but would spend a year or two learning and/or going to college in the United States before going to study in Israel. That has changed, and as these younger individuals leave, parents are increasingly expressing some concerns about sending their children off.
The greatest fear that I hear from parents is not what some might expect. The concern parents seem to voice most frequently is that their child will not adjust but will be homesick in Israel. Most students are homesick initially, but the overwhelming majority of them adjust to their routine and life in yeshiva by Chanukah time. While that may seem quite a long time to adjust, it makes sense when looked at from the perspective of the chagim. Until after Simchat Torah, the yeshiva schedule is not fixed into a daily routine. Once the daily schedule becomes routine, the adjustment process begins.
Many parents are concerned that there is a lack of supervision and that their child might be exposed to some very negative influences even though they are in a learning environment. This is a genuine concern, which is why I tell parents that they must know their child and the school the child will be attending. The teen years are defined by experimentation and rebelliousness. It is for this reason that some parents opt not to send their child to Israel and, if they do send them, it is not until the child is a little more mature.
Teens can get into trouble anywhere -- at college, in Israel, even at home. A child who is an enthusiastic risk taker may get into more difficulties than one who is less open to new experiences. The school that the child attends in Israel should have some awareness of the child's personality, and it is the parents' responsibility to let them know if there are concerns. Many schools know how to handle all kinds of personalities and are not turned off by the extrovert who likes to party a bit. If a parent has true reason for being worried, then a seminary or yeshiva that monitors their students even on their days off should be selected. Remember, though, that ultimately it is the child who is responsible.
For some children who are troubled, Israel seems like a perfect opportunity for parents to hand the child over to someone else for a period of time and see what others might do to help the child. Unfortunately, this does not often work. Every summer, when I begin to refer some of the students I work with to psychologists and other mental health specialists in advance of the teen's year in Israel, I hear from my Israeli colleagues the same refrain: "Please do not send us your problem cases."
It is not that they do not want to be helpful. They are always willing to work with someone who can benefit from their help; they are simply saying that sending a child with serious behavioral or emotional problems may not benefit the teen. In some situations, the experience in Israel for that particular teenager may even cause their symptoms to worsen.
A library of opinions has been written about the concern that both parents and teens have about the possibility of "flipping out", the experience that some American students in Israel seem to have when a radical shift in their religious observance is observed. A number of teens return from Israel with an apparent increase in religious observance and spirituality, and an increasingly conservative approach to piety. There is concern that some of these students may have been "brainwashed" by their teachers or have hidden insecurities that cause them to affect an attachment with a lifestyle that allows them to withdraw from the responsibilities their parents expect of them of living in the modern world.
Rarely discussed is the student who "flips out" in the other direction, and uses his or her time in Israel to move away from religious observance. There are no data to define trends for flipping out. There is no measure of its frequency, intensity, how long the "flip" lasts, or if it is due to a hidden psychological disturbance. What is known is that parents retain responsibility in this area as well. Before sending the child off, a complete and frank discussion is in order. Parental expectations as well as what the teen seeks to gain from the time in Israel should be discussed.
Expect there to be changes in your child, and be prepared to discuss them in a supportive and non-judgmental manner. Most of all, remember that the overwhelming number of students who spend a year or more in Torah study in Israel hit a few bumps while they are there but end up growing from the experience.
Dr. Michael Salamon is a fellow of the American Psychological Association and is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests and books including "Abuse in the Jewish Community, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures and Every Pot Has a Cover".