By: Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz, LMSW

I participated in an extraordinary gathering of hundreds of Orthodox mental health practitioners, physicians, rabbis, educators, and kiruv professionals. Attendees ranged from Modern Orthodox to Yiddish-as-a-first-language Chasidim. As a well known psychologist remarked prior to this historic conference, "Everyone I know in the field is going."

This diverse group gathered for a singular purpose-to soak in the wisdom and experience of acclaimed marriage therapists Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Based in Washington, Oregon, their books include the NY Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. They boast nearly 14,000 trainees and have carried their work to many international settings.

Dr. Gottman remarked that some research-based conflict resolving techniques were so sagacious that Hillel the Elder could have authored them. Their finely honed training techniques, captured in a myriad of wise assessment tools and interview techniques, are the culmination of over 40 years of intensive research. The most common technique involves videotaping thousands of couples. They also measure physiological response (pulse rate) of couples during tense sessions. They carefully study the communication styles and behaviors of successful marriages (dubbed "masters of relationship") and failed or failing marriages (called "disasters of relationship").

Four Avos Nezikin
They found four specific types of behavior that are predictors of divorce. They call these tendencies "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (or I suggest the Four Avos Nezikin) due to the devastation they create in the relationship.

Criticism . Presenting problems as character defects of the partner. "You're a slob" vs. "I would like this room to be cleaned."

Defensiveness . Whining and feeling like an innocent victim.

Contempt. Talking down to a partner, or dismissive gestures like rolling of the eyes and sarcasm.

Stonewalling. Not interacting with your partner.

Sound Relationship House

To combat these behaviors and, couples need to build a "Sound Relationship House, " by
based on a culture of fondness and admiration. This includes attentiveness (facing each other when you speak or want attention) and viewing your partner in a positive sense and successfully managing conflict.

Create a shared legacy of values, and rituals in helping each other's "life dreams" come true.

Is Jewish Marriage Different?

The Gottmans stated these universal concepts could work in any setting, culture, or population if applied by someone with proper training and therapeutic skill. I reacted to their presentations with a gnawing question: Can we view Jewish marriage the same as all others? Is there no unique Torah viewpoint on these approaches to marriage therapy? If we are kind and wise enough we can master what the Gottmans call "a good enough" marriage. Is that it? Is that the fulfillment of am segulah and the pristine concepts of Shechinah shruyah beineihem (G-d dwells in their midst)? These ideas, that we have been taught by our rabbis and parents, are reinforced at every engagement and wedding we have ever witnessed. It seems that the stakes of Jewish marriage therapy are slightly higher than just, as the Gottmans described, a "way to improve the way we pass through time together."

Pondering this point, I pulled out my pocket Siddur and reviewed the sheva brachos, the conceptual cornerstone of Chazal's view of the marital union. It then became clearer. The first brachot dealt with universal themes-the creation of the world (Shehakol bara lichvodo, Yotzer ha'adam) and mankind, and finding a soulmate to build an everlasting home with (hiskin lo mimeno binyan adei ad). We then proceed on to the higher levels of creating shared meaning and mission (Misameach Zion bivaneha) and making dreams come true (Od yishama be'arei Yehudah).

It occurred to me that one could say that the Gottmans and their ilk have succeeded in capturing the essence of good marriage for all those that would honor their personal tzelem Elokim. But that approach leaves the imperatives of choosing the path of Relationship Master or Relationship Disaster to their clients as a personal choice.

Rabbi Shalom Arush's popular Garden of Peace (for men only) teach that shalom bayis, i.e. our model of the "Sound Relationship House" is a singularly important mitzvah, creating an absolute imperative to refine speech and character in ways that make being masters of relationship an empirical expectation, not merely a social option for the Torah Jew.

Rabbi Akiva (Pirkei Avos, Perek 3) notes that all mankind is precious (chavivim) due to our tzelem Elokim. But Klal Yisrael has two additional precious qualities. We are called banim l'Makom, Hashem's intimate family and flesh. We were given klei chemdah, precious tools, i.e. the Torah and mitzvos. Rabbi Akiva's words challenge us to move well beyond the level of tzelem Elokim, the gift of speech. We must speak to one another like a royal family of Torah who is entrusted with incomparable tools for unfolding humanity's ultimate spiritual potential and the challenge to develop them.

Bringing The Message Home

At the end of the seminar, they were asked to sum up their work in few sentences.
Gottman stated, "Help her dreams come true." Gottman found out that the questioner took the train home to Brooklyn and asked his wife, "Honey, what are your dreams?" She replied lovingly, "I thought you'd never ask!"

Respectful speech, knowledge and appreciation of our partners' innermost feelings and aspirations are a powerful way to make your relationship flourish. As Dr. Gottman said, "In a word or two, if we want our marriage to last, we need to tell our partners, "Keep dreaming," and to mean it. We must also keep our dreams alive so that we can still rise to relationship challenges so that we reflect not only the good enough image of real menshlechkeit (tzelem Elokim) but also as cherished members of Hashem's Divine family.

Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz, LMSW, is the rabbi of South Nassau Hospital and the founder and director of Kanfey Shemesh, The Jewish Family Wellness Center.
445 Central Avenue, Suite 343

Cedarhurst, NY 11516

www.kanfeyshemesh.org

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