Friendship

How would you handle your child coming home from school claiming sadly, "I have no friends?"What would you do if your child seems to be staying home every Shabbos, never engaging in play dates with classmates or neighbors?

These situations are painful for parents. Dealing with a rejection of one's child or watching him spend all his time alone in his room can break a parent's heart, evoking much worry, frustration, and helplessness. However, it need not be so. Children have difficulty getting along with others because of various challenges. Yet, with your assistance, they can begin the process of becoming socially successful-creating friendships that are a source of well-being, pride, and identity. Here are some guidelines as to you as a parent can facilitate this.

1) Listen first. When your child complains about his social hardships, listen to his complaints with interest. Refrain from giving advice until you are sure he feels understood. Having his feelings validated may be more effective at making the child feel better than teaching him how to handle teasing and rejection. There is a time and place for everything; sometimes we need to advice and guide; other times, we need to just stop and listen.

2) Talk with teachers. When a child grumbles about the way he is treated at school, try to maintain an objective opinion. Talk with your son's Rebbe or teachers to obtain the full picture. In addition to ascertaining the facts, Rabbeim and teachers can also be very helpful with facilitating social relationships. Perhaps they can arrange to pair your child with an appropriate chavrusa or project partner. They can also intervene to boost your child's popularity by arranging for him to have a leadership role in class activities. In those situations where you r child does need the teacher's help, it is always a good idea to go the extra mile to help the teacher (e.g., volunteer for special events; send a thank-you note or generous Chanukah/Purim gift).

3) Provide socialization opportunities: Parents should reach out to facilitate their child's socialization. Parents can enroll their son in structured group events (e.g., Pirchei groups, Avos Ubonim program, or baseball/basketball leagues). You can also schedule (or for older children, encourage them to take the initiative) in one-on-one play dates for Shabbos or Sunday afternoon. If other children are reluctant to come to your home, make it more enticing for them by serving delicious nosh or scheduling a fun trip for your child and friend. Parents should also structure the play time in a manner that will help their child to succeed. They should involve themselves in the play, if necessary to get things started, and then monitor progress in order to end the visit when the children show the first signs of becoming bored or restless.

4) Become a social coach: Parents can facilitate the social success of their children by recognizing barriers and providing appropriate coaching. Recognizing barriers may be difficult and sometimes may require professional help. When coaching your child on a specific skill : a) teach the skill; b) practice using the skill (role-play); c) make a plan for the child to use it in real life; and d) follow-up with the child afterwards and revise as needed. Remember to proceed slowly and balance coaching with much love and patience. Finally, praise your child throughout the process. This will provide him with the emotional energy he needs to surmount his barriers.

For example, a shy child who experiences difficulty with meeting children for the first time should gently be taught how to greet other children (say "hi" and smile) and how to make small talk (asking appropriate questions and sharing interests). This teaching should be followed up with a role play-take turns with your child being the greeter and "greetee." You can then choose small goals together with your child (e.g., ask child to smile and greet one new child each day by saying "hi"). Finally, follow up with your child each night by having a friendly conversation about his day; discuss how many people he spoke to and how it went. Remember, continue to praise the child and make statements like "I love the way how you went over to the other kid to talk to him." Through experiencing success with small goals, your child will gain confidence and continue with longer conversations that will eventually lead toward positive relationships.

5) Seek professional help when necessary: Some children may need specialized help in developing appropriate social skills. There are many trained specialists in this area. Relief Resources is a community-based referral agency to assist in finding someone appropriate 718-431-9501.

Chaim Neuhoff Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in working with behavioral issues of children, adolescents, and their parents. Dr. Neuhoff consults for Eitza/Toshia and is Clinical Instructor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine. He maintains a local private practice and can be reached via email at [email protected].