Tzachi Fried, MA

"You must have had the perfect life …"

It was likely something most of my clients had thought, but he was the only one actually expressing it. He was a 19 year-old Hispanic male, more boy than man, whose childhood was marked by severe neglect and abuse. His early adolescence was spent engaged in a wide range of criminal behavior and his late adolescence was spent being shuffled around the juvenile justice system. I was an educated White Orthodox Jew with a stable job and family- a stranger to his cruel, uncaring world. Still, I was about to correct him, to put to rest the notion that anyone could possibly have a perfect life, when it occurred to me: I do the same thing all the time. We all do.

Humans are social beings. We naturally evaluate ourselves based on the social data in our environment- in other words, we compare ourselves to other people. What makes us miserable, however, is that we often commit the logical fallacy of making a comparison in which we see only our negative situation and only someone else's better situation (or our perception of someone else's better situation).

Current research on happiness echoes Chazal's teaching of Eizehu ashir: Hasame'ach b'chelko. If I have 2 million dollars but I'm fixated on the fact that my neighbor has 3 million dollars, I don't really feel wealthy. In fact, my emotional experience will mirror that of someone with a small fraction of what I have. On the other hand, if I only have a thousand dollars but I feel thankful for it and look forward to how I'm going to use the money, I feel rich. I feel satisfied. Two people can experience the same situation, but the associated emotion differs depending on their perspective. Looking at life's circumstances with a negative perspective (and you can always find one) can lead to depression, anxiety, and general dissatisfaction with life.

Being Same'ach b'chelkeinu can be elusive, however. There will always be negativity in life, and being satisfied with life is an attitude that needs to be actively fostered. The big question is: how do we accomplish this? The process of cultivating gratitude and satisfaction is a long one, and it requires a great deal of self awareness as well as changes to the way we see the world.

· When reflecting on negative situations, we tend to filter positive experiences out of our awareness, which fuels a generally negative perspective on life. For example, if my car won't start one morning I automatically recall all the other times my car has frustrated me, which reminds me of other times when I was frustrated by technology, which makes it seem to me that I am "always" being frustrated. What does not come to mind, however, are all the times my car (and all other mechanical/technological devices) did exactly what they were designed to do. My emotional reaction to the situation would be much improved if I thought "sometimes things don't work out for me" instead of "nothing ever works out for me." Take note of this tendency during times of stress, and challenge it by actively reminding yourself of the positive events in your life.

· When you find yourself making comparisons between yourself and someone who seems to have it better than you, come up with an alternative comparison- For example, one between yourself and someone who does not have something you do. Although this sounds a bit callous, it creates balance by highlighting the fact that you are neither better off nor worse off than everyone else.

· Enhance your sense of gratitude by seeking out positive things in life to be grateful for. This is harder than it sounds, and sometimes it requires thinking simply. For example, if you are reading this article, you have eyes that are able to read black-on-white print, whereas there are many people who can't, or who find it difficult. Things like working limbs and senses, access to water, etc- the things we take for granted and practically ignore are the very things that we need to feel thankful for. The more such things you can identify, the better.

• Not just expressing gratitude, but actually feeling grateful, is key to our happiness. It's hard to truly feel appreciation for things without a sense of what life would be like without them. Have you ever had a dream in which something terrible happened? Remember actually feeling that emotion during the dream? Now, remember waking up, realizing it was only a dream, and the wonderful feeling of relief that followed? Close your eyes and focus on what life would be like without the positive things. Imagine it as graphically and realistically as you can. Actually experiencing that feeling of loss will enhance your appreciation for what you have.

· Make it a point to notice enjoyable or relaxing sensory information (sights, sounds, tastes, smells, textures) in your environment- various colors on flowers or trees, sunsets, the sound of rain falling, water flowing, freshly baked cookies, etc. Ordinarily, we pass these by or attend to them while doing something else. Spend a few moments focusing your attention on just enjoying your surroundings.

None of the above will result in an immediate transformation, but over time, with practice, a sense of gratitude and satisfaction become part of the experience of life, and it is then that we become ashirim. My client certainly had a great deal to complain about, and I can't really blame him. He never had a father to tuck him into bed and wish him good night, as I did. He never had a mother who cared enough to teach him to be a mentch, like I did. He never had a chance to get a quality education, as I did. But he also has things that I will never have, like 20/20 vision, athletic ability, a keen artistic talent, a sense of fashion, and biceps the size of watermelons. "My life isn't perfect," I might have told him, "but it's pretty good. And so is yours, if you can see it the right way."

Tzachi Fried , MA is a psychology intern at a residential treatment center for juvenile delinquents. He is a clinical psychology doctoral student at St. John's University, and can be reached at [email protected]