By Chaya Tauber

There is a secret many parents harbor and are afraid to admit- liking one child more than another. When this was brought up during a parenting group, one parent immediately responded, "I love all my children equally."   While this response sounds like the correct thing to say, it is usually untrue.  It may be the age or stage the child is in that appeals more to a parent.  It may be the child's personality.  Some parents prefer an active, energetic child while others prefer a more passive, laid back child.  Some parents find it easier to connect with a child who has a similar personality to their own or the opposite.  Sometimes when a child has a different personality than his parents a clash occurs.  The parent and child have a hard time understanding each other from the other's perspective and a power struggle will begin. 

 The term for this phenomenon is "goodness of fit." Goodness of fit refers to the ability of parent and child to get along with each other given their temperaments. As an illustration of the parent/child relationship it is helpful to think about a dance between two people.  If one partner pulls to the right the other follows and the dance is smooth.  If one partner pulls to the right and the other pulls to the left, a stalemate is reached and movement stops.  

Parent and child need to figure out how to maintain a smooth relationship. The parent/child dyad is not an equal partnership.  The parent has the advantage of being an adult with life experience, having developed reasoning skills, being stronger and smarter, and hopefully is emotionally stable most of the time (see sidebar).  The child has yet to mature developmentally, physically, emotionally, and socially.  If parents begin to get a sense that they are having difficulty connecting to one or more of their children it can be helpful to take a careful look at themselves and their child.  To develop an understanding of the parent/child dyad parents can create a list for themselves in private.  Some parents find it helpful to complete this activity in the presence of a therapist.  The list can include the parents' and child's good and bad qualities, which activities each enjoys, and a description of their personality.  The differences should be easy to spot when comparing the two lists.  Since the parent is the more advanced partner in this relationship, it is his/her duty to take the lead in reaching a resolution.

Gaining insight into the parent/child personalities and preferences will greatly enhance the understanding a parent needs to help the relationship be healthier.  Parents can make different allowances for each child with acceptable limits, so they can foster each child's needs and personalities.  A child who prefers more physical activity, will benefit from more outdoor play.  A child who prefers to read, will benefit from more couch time.  A child who is fast paced, needs many activities available.  A child who is slow paced, needs extra time to complete tasks.   A chatty child may enjoy long conversations with his parents while another would prefer more silent, cuddling time.  While it sounds like you need a unique set of rules for each child, it really is more of an accommodation of the child's needs.  The fundamental rules in the household remain uniform such as, no hurting others, safety rules, and cleaning up after oneself.  Chores can be designated based upon skill level.  Planning ahead and keeping the needs of each child in mind will allow the parent to meet the child's individual needs.  A child whose needs are met will be satisfied with himself and quite lovable in his  own way. 

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The Anxious/Depressed Parent

Many adults suffer from disorders such as anxiety and depression.  Some recognize they have a problem and seek help.  Others will struggle with, hide, or deny their disorder and live their whole life in pain.  If a parent raising a child has a clinical disorder which interferes with their ability to raise their child in a healthy way, their responsibility to ensure they receive treatment increases dramatically.  Parents naturally want to provide the best opportunities for their children to succeed.  The most important opportunity for a child to be successful and develop into a healthy adult is to have an emotionally stable parent.  While there is stigma attached to seeking help, treatment and recovery will always outweigh the stigma.  To help one recognize if there is a need for treatment, here is a list of symptoms to look out for:

·         Irritability

·         Loss of appetite/Increased appetite

·         Disturbed sleeping patterns

·         Fatigue

·         Muscle tension

·         Difficulty concentrating and completing tasks

·         Feeling sad, empty, worthless, or helpless

·         Thoughts of hurting oneself or others

·         Unexplained aches and pain

Chaya Tauber, LCSW is the founder and supervisor of the Parent Support Program at Integrated Treatment Services and is employed as a Mental Health Consultant for Head Start.  She maintains a private practice and directs Parent Support Groups.  She received postgraduate training in the treatment of adolescents at the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, a psychoanalytic institute, and is bilingual (Yiddish-speaking).  She can be reached at (347)701-9185 or [email protected].