Your friend asks you for a favor. “Would it be okay to drive Chani to school until busing starts up again? Yanky has to be at work early, and it’s just too hard to get out with the baby. You know, weather and all…”

“Sure!” you find yourself saying.

A lady from the shul Sisterhood calls to let you know that Sarah just had a baby. “Can you make a meal for her tomorrow? I know it’s short notice, but she is new to town and doesn’t have any family around…”

“Not a problem!” you hear yourself answer.

The True Story

You’re exhausted. It’s been a long winter. Busing has been suspended until further notice. Chani lives 3 miles away. You have been schlepping your four kids, Chani, (not to mention your baby), each to their own school by car, amidst the snow and subfreezing weather. You have been scrambling to work (an hour travel each way), only to then rush home to do the carpool thing all over again. With minimal groceries in the pantry (who has time to go shopping?), you tell the kids for the 10^th night in a row that they will have to fend for themselves. Now if only you could find something to make for that new mother…

How did you get yourself into this mess?

Guilt. Or better known as the “Jewish women’s disease,” the one we all suffer from. The one that tells us we can’t say NO. The one that allows us to bite off more than we can chew.

Why do we feel it and where does it come from?

The Source

Guilt is an emotion we experience when we feel we have violated a moral standard that we ourselves believe in. For many of us, helping out a friend or doing acts of chessed is that moral standard. Guilt has no passage of time. We can feel guilty about the past (I would’ve, should’ve, could’ve, done…), guilty of how we fill the present (I shouldn’t be doing this right now), and anticipate guilt for the future (If I don’t do this, I know that I’ll feel guilty later on). And because for most of us, guilt underscores our own vulnerability, it makes it even harder to set limits; especially when the social pressure is on.

Shedding the Guilt: Creating Realistic Expectations: The Art of Saying “No”

How can I be helpful to others without becoming overextended? How can I set realistic expectations so that I do not neglect myself or my family? And better yet, how can I learn to say “no” without feeling guilty?

v  When someone asks you for help, allow them to hold the problem. Sometimes we get carried away and we begin to make the problem our own. If I don’t give Chani a ride to school, well then how will she get there? This problem belongs to Chani’s parents, and to them alone. Maintaining an objective perspective towards the problem, will allow you to provide an honest answer.

v  Consider the meaning you attach to the situation. What will it mean if I can’t help out at the ladies luncheon? I must not have it together. I am lazy and unhelpful. Instead of acknowledging the real reason why we are unable to help, we create a self-image that is false and inaccurate. Expand your self-concept to include the many wonderful things about yourself. Guilt takes up little space in a person who knows her true self worth.

v  Consider the present context of your life. What’s going on right now? Does cooking a meal for someone fit into your schedule? Or is life too hectic right now? Again, this does not mean you are an uncaring person or that you will never make a meal for someone in the future.

v  When you are overextended and someone asks you for help, it’s hard to know what to say. Acknowledging your desire to help while expressing your lack of availability is one way to do it. You might even consider offering when you might be available to help in the future. Here is an example to fiddle with: “I would love to be able to help you (give Chani a ride, make a meal, etc.), it’s just not a good time. I might be available to help out more in a few weeks.”

v  People can be pushy or forceful when they ask for help. Sometimes they are the ones that are making you feel guilty! With that said, allow them to own their feelings without pushing them onto you. When people push their agenda, we can keep our distance by creating clear boundaries. No one can force you to do anything. Keep in mind that the answer belongs to you and to you alone.

v  Buying yourself time when you feel guilty about saying “no”, is another way to derail the guilt. When we are put on the spot, it can be difficult to think clearly and make a sound decision. Saying something like “let me think about it”, allows you to consider your options and respond from a more centered, grounded place. Just remember to get back to the person!

v  Consider the (false) picture we have in our minds of superwoman. You know, the one who can be everywhere and do anything? For many of us, guilt surfaces when we are in pursuit of this ever-elusive woman. When we feel we need to be perfect in every aspect of our lives. A life on overdrive is not a healthy one. Take breaks. Stay balanced. Maintain perspective as to what is really important to you, and let everything else go. Staying balanced can allow us to take charge of our guilt, instead of being guilty as charged.

Mindy Hajdu, MS, LCSW, received her MS in Secondary Education from Azrieli Graduate School, her MSW from Wurzweiler School of Social Work and has completed a year of training in family therapy at the Ackerman Institute for the Family. For close to nine years, Mindy acted as clinician and supervisor at OHEL’s Preventive Care Program. Presently, Mindy works as a therapist at Pride of Judea mental health clinic, serves as adjunct professor at Touro College and maintains a small private practice in Queens, specializing in children and families. Mindy can be reached at [email protected].