Michael J. Salamon
Every industry, has its own busy season, and for mental health professionals, the holiday seasons seem to be the busiest. What is interesting is that the stressors that cause these holiday blues are not linked to any particular religious or ethnic group. All people seem to suffer increasing seasonal stress even if they do not celebrate the actual holiday.
Starting from a few days before Thanksgiving until a week or so after New Years, people are generally more susceptible to and report more cases of depression and anxiety. This appears to happen in some cases because a small number of individuals are prone to a form of depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is linked to the amount of exposed sunlight. As the days grow shorter, people who suffer from this disorder become increasingly depressed and anxious. As spring and summer returns, they improve rapidly. Treatment often consists of traditional psychotherapy along with exposure to a light source that mimics sunlight. Passover and Easter holiday times also see a rise in anxiety and depression so we must explore other causes.
Some individuals who suffer from a form of anxiety known as Social Anxiety Disorder (also known as a Social Phobia) suffer when exposed to social situations that they find fearful not unlike family gatherings and holiday parties. Most individuals with this disorder believe that they will publicly make mistakes and be humiliated by others. The more people they are exposed, the greater the fear of embarrassment. This form of distorted thinking causes those suffering from this phobia to be afraid to eat, speak or even interact with others. And the anxiety can build for weeks before any social event and linger for months after. Treatment for this disorder which may also be linked with Obsessive-Compulsive disorder and Panic disorders includes psychotherapy and in more severe cases, medication.
Other causes for holiday stress include financial concerns which are almost always worse due to the increasing expenditures that occur and the fact that holiday time is busier than usual. Unresolved family conflicts contribute to the stress of the season as well. When families get together there are expectations based on historical events that may cause people to fear how their relatives will treat them. Old arguments arise anew and immature coping mechanisms often resurface. Controlling these issues requires some insight into what a more mature response would be and avoiding old conflicts.
Perhaps the greatest contribution to stress comes from a disparity in what social psychologists and cultural anthropologists refer to as ‘balanced reciprocity’. In general, when individuals give something to someone they expect something in return. In economic situations this form of reciprocity is obvious. If I purchase an item the seller anticipates payment in return. There is also a form of balance referred to as moral reciprocity which is defined as the assistance or destruction people give to one another based on the perception of what they received from the other. In essence, we develop a balance that has been called “one hand washes the other”. If you help me I will help you; if you hurt me I will hurt you.
The theory of reciprocity is sometimes related to expectations and not a direct exchange. A very clear example of negative expectations and how damaging reciprocity can cause serious outcomes is exemplified by the famous Midrash of Kamsa and Bar-Kamsa cited in Talmud Gittin. A wealthy man sends his servant to invite a friend, Kamsa, to a party that he will be hosting. In error, the servant invites Bar Kamsa, an enemy. At the party the wealthy man throws Bar Kamsa out despite Bar Kamsa’s three attempts to make peace and develop a new balance in the relationship. Humiliated, Bar Kamsa seeks revenge by telling Caesar that Jews will not allow him to bring an offering at the Temple. Bar Kamsa sees to it that the animal Caesar sends is slightly disfigured by him. The Rabbis decide that they cannot allow the animal to be sacrificed which angers Caesar and ultimately leads to destruction.
This seemingly minor mistake by a servant that ultimately leads to the destruction of a nation is replete with important lessons. The Maharal of Prague explains the story as one of social divisiveness, a situation where individuals are barred from events even when they wish to make amends. This interpretation, not unlike a situation of negative reciprocity, a case where the expectations for censure are the expectation, helps us to understand another cause for the holiday blues. Many people have fears of attending social events and go out of their way to avoid the anxiety that attending a party causes. Many have expectations of being invited to gatherings, and when they are not, they react in a negative fashion, not quite like Bar Kamsa but not that unlike him either. The most effective way to overcome this cause for depression and anxiety is through direct communication. The most effective way to help someone cope with feeling low is by enhancing relationships without negative expectations. Not everyone can be invited to every party and it is important to be accepting when you are not. People, even those with Social Anxiety, respond well to social support, but it is important to receive this support without negative reactions.
Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of the ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, NY. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by Rowman & Littlefield and Abuse in the Jewish Community published by Urim.