Victims of bullying face lowered self-esteem, depression, and even suicide. Bullies, as adults, tend to have higher divorce rates, domestic violence, job loss and criminal records. They tend to underachieve in life or misuse power.

However, it is possible for schools, communities and parents to work together to reduce and prevent bullying. The problem is not bigger than they are. For parents, stopping their bullying child will take some effort, but not only is it doable, the rewards are huge.

Studies show primarily three reasons why children may bully:

1. They have gotten away with it at home.

2. They are victims of aggression at home.

3. They see it as a way to fit in at school.

Let's take a look at each and how parents can respond.

Getting Away With It

Have you ever been in a store and seen a small child not merely having a meltdown because he wanted something, but hitting or kicking his mother? His mother, noticing the eyes on her, decides to stop him by giving in. What message did he get? Be persistent and you will get what you want!

This unfortunate toddler doesn't know that he is being taught how to be a bully. He thinks he's just being persistent, a wonderful trait for getting ahead in this world. The kicking and hitting are instinctive to a toddler. But now, they are being reinforced.

The same thing often happens between siblings. An older, stronger, or braver child attacks the sibling to get a toy – or power. Hassled parents figure, incorrectly, that "children have to work it out."

Although children do need to learn to work things out, it's up to parents to teach them how to do it civilly. Otherwise, parents are teaching one child to be a bully and the other to hate the bully. This may last a lifetime.

Learn to Stick to Limits

The solution is difficult for soft-hearted parents, but it's a must – and it must start when the child is young: Set limits.

A parent's hesitation to say no to a toddler is understandable; when do you stop meeting all your baby's needs and start disciplining? The answer is somewhere after the first birthday or certainly by a year and a half.

Another difficulty is the thought that the child is so cute, how can this behavior really be a problem? This is the blind (and loving) eye of parenthood. It's a beautiful thing. Research, however, shows that toddler bullying can turn into adult bullying. Therefore, the more objective corner of the parent's heart must speak up and assert limits.

Stopping toddlers is made easier by distracting them, but the firm "No!" can't be spared.

When the child is older, say of school age or even in adolescence, there are several steps to stop his or her bullying. First, sit down with your child when things are calm. Next, explain that you have not been the best parent because you have not clarified the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. You are very sorry for this and now you want to do so. You can add that it may seem great to get what you want, but it does not lead to true happiness. Third, spell out the unwanted behaviors and the consequences. Tailor them to fit the child's age. It helps to clarify the behaviors you want, too.

Ask if this makes sense and if the child agrees that it does, it will help you enormously later on. If it doesn't, don't let that throw you.

Imitating What They Know

The second cause of bullying is that children may imitate what they see and experience at home. According to research, in a home in which parents threaten abandonment, denigrate, are not emotionally present, have only conditional love or are unloving, have unrealistic needs of the child, display anger, or reprimand the child, he will feel rejected, angry, and confused. This can lead to his or her bullying others.

The solution requires an honest look at oneself. If any of the above is true, you are not alone. You may even have been an abuse victim yourself. If so, it's time to stop the intergenerational cycle: Get help! It may be impossible to conquer these behaviors alone, especially because dealing with the behavior isn't enough. It is necessary to heal from your own hurts that led to them – and this will be a huge step towards helping your child.

The Quest for Popularity

A child might, in some cases, be unsure of himself for many reasons that have nothing to do with parents being too soft or too harsh. He may therefore jump at the opportunity to feel like a leader by bullying others.

Aside from the talk, described above, in which you let the child know that there will be consequences for the unwanted behavior, it is helpful to channel the child's desire for leadership into more constructive forms. Consider sports, chess, drama, art, school politics, volunteering, internships or part time work to help bring out the strengths in your child and raise his self-esteem.

Taking these steps can restore your child's sense of self, create a healthier and happier relationship between you and him, and even break a multi-generational cycle of abuse.

"Dr. Deb" is in private practice in the Five Towns, Long Island and also sees clients via Skype nationwide. In addition to writing for the Jewish Press, she has a regular column in The Five Towns Jewish Home, has presented for the OU, has been on radio and television, and has written a best-selling book, The Healing Is Mutual: Marriage Empowerment Tools To Rebuild Trust and Respect --Together. Follow her blog at www.drdeb.com.