by Tina Kahn LMHC,LMFT
Malka and Avi* are standing under the chuppah radianting with joy and hopes for the future. During their engagement, they felt a bond and an ease with one another.
Years have passed and now they sadly wonder themselves, "Where did my best friend go?" " Why do we argue so much? Why do I feel so hurt and misunderstood? Why am I so lonely? How can I get my best friend back?"
John and Julie Gottman, after many years of marriage have found that the single most important ingredient for making a marriage work well is respect for each other. On the other hand, the attitudes which can destroy a marriage are criticism, stonewalling(refusing to respond to your partner), defensiveness and, most damaging of all--contempt.
Criticism sounds like this:
"You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish."
A much more positive way to convey the same message would be to say: "I'm feeling left out by our talk tonight. Would you please ask me about my day?"
For Malka and Avi to re-ignite their friendship, they need to talk about their feelings using "I" statements, and then express a positive need such as a hope, a wish or a desire.
I feel...About what...I need...
Stonewalling is total withdrawal. It looks like this:
Malka says: "If you could only control your drinking at the shul kiddush."
Avi's response it to remain silent, with no eye contact, no head nods, no words, as if Malka didn't say anything, or isn't even there at all.
This is even worse than lashing back at Malka's criticism. Instead, Avi needs to remain present and work on retaining his inner calm. It would be better for both of them if Avi, instead of stonewalling Malka, would ask to defer the conversation until after their emotions have calmed down, by saying, "I can see that you are upset. Let's set a time to talk about this later."
Defensiveness, is self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood.
Avi: "It's not my fault that we are always late."
Malka could defuse this situation by responding: "Well, part of this is my problem. I think I need to think more about time."
This is helpful because Malka is telling Avi that she is t willing to take some of the responsibility off his shoulders.
The most damaging response of all is contempt and belligerence, conveying disgust at one's partner through the use of sarcasm, name calling, eye-rolling, and hostile humor.
Malka: "Will you help me wash the dishes?"
Avi: "I'll help you when I can. I won't give you a blanket guarantee for life. What are you going to do, sue me? (laughs)
The antidote for this is appreciation, appreciation and appreciation.
How can Malka and Avi become best friends?
First, they need to increase the positivity in their relationship. Sue Johnson writes in "Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy" that we all need to enhance our secure attachments to each other. We do this by paying attention to each other, by responding to each other's bids for emotional connection and by affirming each other through kind and supportive words. Other ways to reinforce the relationship is by spending quality time with each other, giving special gifts to each other, helping each other, without waiting to be asked, and last, but not least, showing physical affection to each other.
The necessary components for SAFE emotional connections, attachment and bonding, which we all need, are represented by the acronym ARE :
A--Accessibility--Can I reach you?
R--Responsiveness--Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?
E--Engagement--Do I know you will value me and stay close?
ARE you there for me? ARE you my best friend?
Here is a checklist for spouses who want to become one another's BFF's Best Friends for Life:
1-Become intimately familiar with each other's world
Make each other a priority
Find time to go out and talk
Know each other's major hopes and aspirations in life
2-Nurture your fondness and admiration
Scan for the positive and show appreciation, fondness, affection and respect at every opportunity
List the 3 things you most admire about each other
Play a game called: I Appreciate
3-Turn toward each other
Make a list of 3 things you would enjoy doing together
Make it a habit in every argument with others to take your spouse's side (even if you think your spouse is wrong. That discussion is for later, just between the two of you.)
Build awareness for how your spouse asks for connection and expresses emotional needs and then respond positively to these bids
4-The positive perspective
Give direct compliments often
Give the benefit of the doubt
Unpackage packaged words
What 3 things mean love to you?
What 3 things mean caring to you?
What 3 things mean kindness to you?
5-Manage conflict
Raise sensitive issues softly and gently
The goal is not to get the other person to agree with you. It is to get closer through understanding the other partner's feelings and motivation.
Listeners postpone their own agenda, hear their partner's feelings and "CHECK IT OUT" to make sure they understood their partner.
Respect--Validate--Dialogue
6-Become a dream detective
Acknowledge and respond to each other's deepest, most personal hopes and dreams
Make your partner feel safe enough to tell you what's behind their position on an issue: their beliefs, their dreams, their story
Your marriage is like a palace of 1000 rooms, each representing another aspect of your relationship. It is very beneficial to keep unlocked as many of the doors to those rooms as possible.
This is the minimum necessary investment of time, on your part, for building a life together and figuring out how to move with your spouse through the stages of your marriage as best friends.
1-Parting--Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning, you've learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day--2 minutes x 5 days a week
2-Reunions--Engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each work day --20 minute x 5 days a week
3-Admiration and appreciation--5 minutes x 7 days a week
4-Affection--5 minutes x 7 days a week
5-Weekly date--1 hour or more x 1 time a week
Malka and Avi-this is your recipe for rekindling and maintaining the original joy and trust in your relationship, and staying best friends for life.
Mazel tov--Mazel tov
*all names are fictitious
Tina Kahn is a NYS Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a NYS Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. With over 25 years of experience, she has expertise in self-esteem work, couples communication, and relationship pain. Her work is non-judgmental and ego-enhancing. She has helped countless couples and couples-to-be as well as individuals at various stages of life to enhance their self-esteem, self-actualize and navigate the path to a fulfilling marriage. She may be reached at 718-253-3973 or by email at [email protected]