Mind Body and Soul

Lisa G. Twerski, LCSW

Women who are victims of domestic abuse usually want to know one thing: How do I keep my marriage but end the abuse?

Change is a complex process, and in the case of domestic abuse it relies heavily on including outsiders in your process. .  For someone who has become isolated, the prospect may seem daunting. Here are some things to keep in mind: 1) Hoping for change is not the same as making a plan for change. 2) It's important to understand the various principles of change. 3) You will also need to determine sources of support you can enlist in helping with a plan for change.

Understanding the Principles of Change

Take a minute and ask yourself: What do you hope the process of change will look like? What are your assumptions, beliefs and wishes regarding the change process? It is important to know the truth about the possibility for change so your plan will have the best chance of working.

What Women Often Want to Believe is True about Change

• The real him is the nice person I sometimessee. Though he is often abusive and controlling, I think deep down he is really the nice, fun guy that I enjoy. I just need to figure out how to keep that guy around.
• Once he begins to listen to me, if I can just explain things the right way, he'll understand the way he should behave, and things will be nice all the time.

• He would change if he understood how he hurts me. I must not be communicating well enough. After all, I’m sure he wants a mutually satisfying relationship – doesn’t everyone?
• If I can just get the right person to talk to him, he'll understand how he should act, and he will become a loving and supportive husband.
• Now that I have told his father (or mother, Rav, grandfather, and so on) he will be motivated to become the husband that he should be. Such a drastic measure will certainly change him.
• "Going for help" will change everything. The therapist will make him understand his "issues" that have made him behave badly.
• Since this is his problem, I won't have to do much work.
• Once the right plan is in place, change will come easily.

Compare these expectations with the more realistic assumptions presented below.

Realistic Beliefs and Assumptions about Change

• All the behaviors that you have experienced in your husband, both the good and the bad, are reflections of his whole personality.

           Abusers expect to have control in their marriage, and the abuse you have been experiencing stems from this expectation. The “good times” may be a tactic to keep you unsettled or to stop you from going for help. Even if theyare genuine, the expectation of control remains the essential underlying dynamic of the abusive relationship. It is important for you to understand that many abusers have this “good side,” and the principles and realities below apply to him.

• Explaining things to him is not in itself likely to change anything.

Abusive husbands change only when they must change. Change is most likely to occur when there are sufficient negative consequences for continuing the abuse. Then there is real motivation to follow through with change.

• Simply getting the right person to have a talk with your controlling husband is not likely to bring about major, long-lasting change.

Some abusers really will be upset that their Rav, father, mother, or other relative have discovered what’s going on. If this person has explained that they must change their behavior, maybe it does give them pause. But as long as a more significant negative consequence does not occur, most abusers get over the sting of this "talking to" and keep behaving as they have up until that point.

Your abusive spouse may also try to convince this person that you are overreacting, are not well, or are making things up. In still other scenarios, as soon as someone who seems close to an abuser tells him something he doesn't want to hear, the abuser quickly distances himself from that relationship.

• Doing something drastic may get the abuser's attention. But trying to encourage change simply by doing something drastic almost never works: empty threats don’t motivate change.

Drastic alone is not a plan for change. Women may choose to do many drastic things. Having someone talk to your husband may seem drastic to you. Other possibilities are threatening to leave; some women actually get up and go. Both of these options have potential in a plan for change. But if the threat is empty and you go back to status quo, you may feel even more hopeless than before.

• "Getting help" does not guarantee change.

Some women cling to the idea that if they can just get the abuser to therapy, they can relax. Often, however, the abuser is willing to start therapy simply to “calm things down,” rather than because he is motivated to change. As a result, the woman often starts to feel like she's going crazy. Pushing someone through the process doesn’t “get them better,” unless there is a consequence for not changing, he is unlikely to change.

• The abuser alone is responsible for his abuse and for changing his behavior. But you will have to participate in the process as well.

Abused wives need to be involved in the process of promoting change in ways that may be difficult and draining. You will need to do more than simply disclose the abuse. Sometimes it will be up to you to keep up the pressure that has motivated him to change. You will need to assess whether his efforts are genuine, and if not, you will need to be honest with the people involved – even when you just want to get back together, because you can’t take the pressure.

• Change will be very slow and difficult.        

Getting up the courage to demand change is just the beginning of a very long process that will require your careful attention and continued resolve.

As you can see from the above list, the process of compelling your abusive husband to change his behavior will be difficult. It will be easier for you to stick with this process if you understand how change does and does not come about. Bear in mind, though, that even if you understand the situation perfectly, the effort to achieve change will not be easy. [O1]  

Lisa Twerski, LCSW, has been working with victims of domestic violence for over twenty years, maintains a private practice in Brooklyn and lectures locally and nationally on many subjects including domestic abuse, marriage, and dating. This article is an excerpt from her recently released book, I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused? Israel Book Shop Publications.

To order go to www.israelbookshoppublications.com