There’s a core reason that most people go to therapy – to feel better. Whether it’s an addict who has hit rock bottom, someone who is suffering from anxiety or depression, a couple who feels miserable with their marriage (or their spouse), or any of the other reasons someone might seek out a therapist – they all have that same basic goal in mind. As was mentioned in past editions of this publication, people encounter problems along the way to finding the right therapist, including: identifying the real problem, finding a therapist who’s a good match, and other factors.

But there’s another impediment that can get in the way of someone attaining that fundamental goal. That is, perhaps surprisingly, wanting to feel better – even wanting to see a therapist – but not really wanting to be in therapy. That’s because in order to feel better – being in therapy doesn’t always feel good.

Brocha, a woman in her twenties and married for five years, came in to discuss how unhappy she was in her marriage. She and her husband have one child, and from her perspective, can’t agree on anything with regards to parenting. She was coming to seek counsel on how to handle this situation, and to deal with the fact that she was married to someone she was having such a hard time parenting with, that she couldn’t envision herself having more children with him.

In talking about personal history, Brocha briefly made mention of the fact that she had had a much younger sibling who had died suddenly right before the birth of her daughter. When Brocha mentioned this, she started visibly shaking, appearing extremely anxious, but stated that that was not why she had come, that it wasn’t important to go into more details about that, and quickly changed the subject.

This is just one of the many types of scenarios that take place in therapy, where someone is in a lot of pain and wants things to improve, but is hoping that they can achieve that without having to fully engage and explore everything that may be contributing to their current distress. Usually this is because really getting to the core of things will entail more pain in the short term and relief only after a significant period of time and a great deal of work. The scenario involving Brocha is one that is actually a bit easier for the clinician to help a client with, because in this case, at least one area of resistance is obvious to the therapist. In this instance, the therapist could point out what is being avoided and how, despite the person’s protests to the contrary, it might be extremely important to address. Pushing someone to go faster than they can tolerate is still not appropriate; however, when the person is willing to at least acknowledge the ”sore spot” to the ”doctor,” at the very least a conversation can ensue about what could be done, and how to deal with that spot in the least invasive, safest, or least painful way.

What about cases when someone leaves out the painful subject or details altogether, not even bringing it up because it’s “something that’s not important to discuss”? Perhaps they tell themselves that it isn’t important to even mention, that it’s insignificant or irrelevant to what they sought help for, when in fact, keeping quiet is done in the service of keeping their extremely sore spot well protected. Usually, something of the core issue will eventually find its way into the treatment room. The problem is that it can get very frustrating for the client when they don’t see improvement, they’re not feeling better, and instead they feel like they are getting nowhere. From their perspective, they’re attending therapy regularly, they are participating in treatment – so why aren’t they feeling better or why aren’t things getting better?

There isn’t any one answer to that question. There are a lot of possibilities as to why someone might not be finding that therapy is helping them in their lives, and not all of those possibilities fall on the shoulders of the client. However, if you as the consumer want to do your utmost to get the most out of your process, ask yourself whether you are protecting something, perhaps out of fear, embarrassment, pain, or because you figure, “it’s not really relevant here,” and try sharing it with your therapist. After all, if you want things to change, it’s important to not just go see a therapist, but to also really be in therapy.