Dear Readers,

When I think about the phrase “ one step at a time,” I think of a process that someone goes through to get from point A to point B. This certainly could include the process of making changes in your life. The problem is that while this may sound straightforward, simple even, it is not. Deciding that something in your life needs to change is actually fraught with so many possibilities at different stages, that people often get overwhelmed and say “forget it” to the whole notion of trying to make things better. Which is such a shame, because all too often, the initial instinct was right, and something really should change. So before you begin to read about how to incorporate all these changes in your life in this installment of Mind, Body & Soul, I’d like to break down the actual process.

People have different reactions when coming to the realization that something is wrong and they want it to change. Some experience dread, some relief, some sadness, others fear… the list goes on and on. Regardless of someone’s emotional reaction, coming to that conclusion is really only the beginning, and figuring out where to go from there can feel very overwhelming. Often, that’s because although they know something is wrong, they are not sure what the source of the problem is and so where to turn can be confusing. For example, someone knows that they are having difficulty with one of their children. They’ve come to the conclusion that things cannot continue the way they are, but, is it a parenting issue and they need to pursue parenting classes or does the child need services, and for what? Anxiety, attention deficit, something else?

Many people grapple with this exact conundrum. It goes something like this: “If I knew what the source of the problem was, I’d know what type of help to pursue, but if I don’t. Where do I get help with determining this?”

There are a number of ways to approach this issue. One person may do their own independent research, perhaps informally asking someone they know to be knowledgeable in resources for various issues. Someone else might read an article, perhaps within these very pages, that hits home and makes them want to reach out for help to the author. There are also referral services, like Relief Resources, that helps a caller figure out this exact thing and will then make referral suggestions. There are helplines and hotlines like the Yitti Leibel Helpline that deals with an array of problems, as well as hotlines like Shalom Task Force and SOVRI that deal with various issues around the specific problems of domestic violence and child sexual abuse respectively, for someone who does know this is the problem they are dealing with, but who is too overwhelmed to be able to figure out where to go or what to do first.

The main issue to understand is that there are resources to help you figure out which path to start out on to get help. And, generally speaking, when going down one of these paths for a recommendation to a professional, even in the event that you actually need something different, because you’ve been referred to a professional, they will recognize that and help you reroute yourself if necessary. Some people give up before even starting because they think that they have to figure out what they need and they don’t know. First, know that there is help for that stage as well.

The next question that then usually comes up for people is how to know whether something is helping. So now, whether you brainstormed with a referral agency or helpline with regards to what type of help you need, or you brainstormed yourself or with a friend or family member and have now pursued a good recommendation from someone you trust, a reputable organization or helpline, the question now becomes: Is this recommendation working for me? How do I know if it’s working?

The first thing that is helpful in this quest to make sure therapy is “working” is to have clear goals. Even if you don’t know what the source of the trouble is with your child, for example, you can still know that you’d like to see him or her happier, getting along better with his/her siblings, or being less fearful of going to school. Discuss your goals with whomever you are referred to and ask them how they see your goals.

One thing to look out for is to make sure you are not making goals for someone else if that person is not a child. Having goals that your spouse will stop doing X or start doing Y is going to get very frustrating unless your spouse shares those goals. We cannot change other people and going into therapy with that type of goal is contraindicated. Next, understand that if therapy is what it’s called for, it’s a process that takes time and that does not go in a straight line. What this means is that you cannot look at things after a few weeks and be disappointed. Usually, months are involved. In addition, change happens unevenly, which means that you should be able to see that things are going in a positive direction, moving towards your goals, overall, but there may be setbacks or disappointments along the way. As long as the overall feeling you have is that there is improvement, you are probably on the right path. How long that path is will vary from situation to situation. But if you know it’s the right one, you are well on your way.

Lisa Twerski, LCSW