Five year old Toby sat with her siblings at the top of the stairs. They were all waiting for Uncle Aaron, who was coming from Monsey. Suddenly she jumped up and ran into the bathroom locking the door. She grabbed the lipstick from the counter and started making little red circles on her face. "I have chicken pox, I have chicken pox", she yelled. Her mother anxiously felt her forehead, but laughed as some of the lipstick smeared onto her sleeve. Her face abruptly became serious as she studied her daughter. "I can't see Uncle Aaron! I need to go to bed….I'm sick!" Toby declared emphatically. Her mother watched with a worried frown, as her daughter stomped up the stairs.

Later, when Uncle Aaron finally came, Toby's mother watched closely to see what about Aaron would upset Toby so much that she would want to hide. All seemed normal. Aaron was playing boisterously with all the children, pinching their cheeks, and holding them on his lap, as they all vied for his attention. When her mother went to check on Toby, she encouraged her to talk about what was bothering her. At first Toby was silent, but then blurted out…"I don't like the way he pinches my cheeks…It doesn't feel good to me." Toby's mom had a discussion with Toby where she invited her to talk about herself and her feelings. She explained that while it is fun to talk about things that are going well, she should always feel free to discus things when something feels "wrong".

The same communication skills that allow a child to talk about feeling distressed when their cheeks are pinched will be extremely helpful if something more ominous occurs. If children feel secure and able to discuss their emotions without fear of judgment they will be more likely to communicate when they are feeling uncomfortable.

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Communicating with Children

Children should be made to feel secure, and be allowed to discuss their emotions, without fear of judgment. When having a conversation with your child, remember that although they may hear all that you say, depending upon their age, they may misunderstand. Younger children need more concrete explanations. As they get older, their understanding grows to include the abstract. Young children often see the world revolving around themselves, which makes them more vulnerable to feelings such as guilt. Therefore, they are more prone to seeing themselves as the cause of situations happening to or around them, from divorce, to bullying, to physical pain, to abuse.

Although many things may make a child feel uncomfortable, children should be able to trust their instincts. Sometimes a "touch" can feel wrong. Whether a child such as Toby doesn't want to be pinched on the cheek, or if the touch is "inappropriate", or even (Chas v'shalom) molestation or sexual abuse, it should be stopped if it causes distress. Sometimes inappropriate touching starts off as a game, tickling, laughing in fun, but then becomes something more. This can be accidental or well thought out. If premeditated, this is called "grooming" the victim. Many times children are showered with gifts by their abusers, and may feel that they need to "earn" them.

Sexual abuse comes in several different forms and levels. Many victims know their abusers, and sometimes love them, leading to confusion of loyalties. They may not want to see them punished, and may even doubt themselves, and make excuses, so as to protect their abusers from punishment. Some victims may feel that they deserve this treatment. Others may feel they have nobody to turn to, and will not be believed.

Some children have specific attributes that make them more susceptible to becoming a victim of abuse. Children who are more isolated and secretive may be seen as more "trustworthy" (more likely to keep the abuse a secret) by an abuser. Those with poor social skills and few friends are more likely to be alone more often, as well as crave companionship.

The best way to protect your children is to educate them in an age appropriate manner, even as early as age four. Keep the lines of communication open. Invite your children to discuss whatever is on their minds. Remind them that they are your priority, and they will be taken seriously, even if what they are sharing is unpleasant. Keep your eyes open, and trust your intuition.

If you or your child knows of anybody who has been sexually abused, it is important to address it in the proper fashion. Children need to be given an outlet to discuss their multitude of feelings in a nonjudgmental atmosphere, at their own pace. If not dealt with, self esteem can be affected, as well as the ability to trust, and the way future relationships are viewed. Children who are abused are also more prone to depression, anxiety and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). However, with a supportive environment, and the opportunity to express themselves, most children's innate resiliency will lead to a full, happy future.