What’s the difference between private mental experiences (things that happens inside of us), and
concrete external behaviors (things that happen outside of us)?

One of the main differences is that we can experience things that happen outside of us by using our
senses.

For example, when people smile, we can see their lips turned up in the familiar expression (an outside
behavior). When someone looks away in embarrassment, it’s easy to see the eyes looking off to the
side. When someone yells in anger, we can hear the loudness of their voice or see the red in their face.

But looks can be deceiving!

Have you been at a social event and put a big smile on your face, even though you were feeling terrible
inside? Have you ever sounded angry, when you were actually feeling scared inside (such as when your
child falls down and you yell “Be more careful!”) Have you ever looked really composed while speaking
in public, when inside you were shaking? Have you ever told someone that you were really happy to see
them, when inside you didn’t want to be around anyone at all?

Most likely you can relate to at least one of the above scenarios. Many times our insides don’t match
our outsides. Yet, most of how we read others is based on what we observe: their body language,
expressions, tone of voice, and the words they say; and this is what can make relationships so confusing!
We think we are reading other people accurately, and many times we are; but how many other times
are we making guesses about what people feel, when we don’t know what’s going on inside their minds
at all?

This gets even more complicated when people tell us stories about their experiences. Suppose your son
comes home from school and says, “My class is so mean. No one likes me. We were at recess and one
boy started a ballgame. All the boys got to join in, but they wouldn’t let me play. I had to just watch all
recess long! Everyone gets included in everything except for me!”

What would your automatic response be?

Some parents might be dismissive, and tell the child to “get over it”. Others might be sympathetic and
say, “I’m so sorry, that must have felt so bad.” Some might run interference, perhaps by calling the
child’s teacher. Yet another parent might give advice, such as “Maybe you can befriend the boy who
usually starts the game and ask him to include you next time.” There are so many possible responses!

The tricky part is that this story (like every story) has two different types of information in it. Some of
the information is about outside things; things that your son heard, observed, did, or had others do to
him. But there are also subjective parts to this story, such as your son’s interpretations of what people
felt or meant- and those are always guesses, because we can never see other people’s intentions. We
can only assume.
Can you tell which parts of your child’s story were about mental states, and which were about
behaviors? If you can, then you possess a powerful tool for helping your child develop a sense of
security and good social development. However, even if you can tell the difference between mental
states and actions, it’s still hard to pay attention to those differences when we’re emotionally activated.
That’s why it’s good to practice with low-key scenarios.

Let’s break down this example.

“My class is so mean,” and “everyone hates me” both refer to mental states. “Mean” and “hating
someone” are not things we can see. We can observe behaviors, but whether they are intended to be
mean, or to be hateful, is something that goes on inside a person. How often do we think someone is
being “mean”, only to find out later that we’ve misunderstood the situation?

So, your son’s classmates may have been “mean”. Or, they may not have been “mean”. Even if
someone’s behavior seems unkind, there are so many thoughts that go on in other peoples’ minds that
affect their behaviors too. Knowing some of those private experiences might change the situation. For
example, if a child recently lost a parent and started acting “mean” at school, we might feel sorry for
him, rather than angry. What goes on inside of people makes a big difference.

Perhaps your son came late to the game, and the teams were already picked. Maybe the boy said your
son could play, but your son couldn’t hear because the game was so loud. It’s possible that your son
was a “sore loser” in the last game, and the class was frustrated. Perhaps the boy in charge of the game
was jealous of your son because your son does better than him in school. Maybe the boy’s father had
bullied him that morning, and your son caught the brunt of it. Any information about the context is
going to change how your son feels about the situation - even if the scenario was the same. Unless we
ask questions, we’ll never have the chance to uncover any of these things.

Now, back to the outside details in the story: Watching his friend play ball, asking to join and being told
the word “no”, etc. are not mental states, but behaviors that your son experienced directly. He then
interpreted their “meanings” in a specific way. Many times, our interpretations are correct. But what
happens when they’re not? This can lead to misunderstandings and emotional upset. When a person
thinks that being left out of a game means that other people hate him, he is going to feel a lot worse
than just disappointed about not getting to play. So our explanations of things we experience directly
have a lot to do with our emotional reactions to them, and we often react based on false assumptions!

So how can we slow this down? First of all, before reacting and doing something such as giving advice,
sympathizing etc.., explore the context. Ask questions. Go over the story from start to finish, and
find out as much as you can about what actually happened, and how he interpreted the situation. For
example, you might say to your son: “Please tell me the whole story. Start from the beginning of recess.
Tell me what you said, what you thought, what you did to try to join the game, and what they said to
you or did.” Then, talk with your child about how he interpreted the situation, and ask him what clues
he used. Perhaps you can offer some other possible interpretations, or ask your son if he can come
up with any others on his own. Or, after hearing more details, it might seem that his interpretation
was accurate based on the whole context, in which case you can offer advice, sympathy, or encourage

resilience. But at least you will understand the situation before reacting to it!

Here are some other scenarios to help you practice this skill. Read the scenario and then divide it
between the “behaviors” and the “private mental states”.

Scenario: Your daughter comes home from a date. She really liked the boy and feels really
excited. The shadchan then calls and says that the boy had a nice time, but wants some time
to think about whether he wants to go on another date or not. Your daughter feels angry and
says “I really opened up to him this time and I thought he actually liked me and could accept
me for who I am. I guess you can’t really be yourself, because people end up getting turned
off. Next time I’ll just have to be less trusting and open about myself.”

Scenario: You come home from work and your wife yells, “You didn’t call me all day. I was left
all alone with the kids for hours, and you didn’t even care enough about me to check in and
see how I was doing!”

Do you want to develop even more sophisticated mentalization skills? Try practicing with hot-button
issues that frequently come up in your own home. Remember, play detective… ask a lot of questions,
consider other perspectives, and try to understand as much as you can about the context.

Mirel Goldstein MS, MA is a graduate of Columbia University; New Jersey Licensed Professional
Counselor; Author of a recently published (frum) book about the psychotherapy process;
Administrator for the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISST-D)’s
online training courses; and Former forensic specialist for Passaic County Justice Involved Services
Program. Mirel sees patients privately in Passaic, NJ and can be reached at 303-204-7039 or
[email protected]. Her website is www.goldsteintherapy.com