By Toby Vogel MHC
Raising empathic kids can be a real challenge. Oftentimes emotions get shuffled between carpools, bedtime and everyone having something to say at the dinner table. Yet, a very simple but powerful neural mechanism in our brain was installed by Hashem to insure that we develop the capacity for empathy. Why do we wince in pain when we watch someone else stub their toe? What gives us the ability to feel for someone else?
Monkeying Around
Some years ago in Italy, researchers studied macaque monkeys. In the laboratory little heads of black hair were hooked up with electrodes. Scientists tried to map the motor region in monkeys’ brains. The monkeys were given balls to throw, cups to hold, and bananas to eat while the scientists monitored the responses in their brain.
During a break, one researcher reached out to snack on some bananas. Lo and behold the electrodes (still attached to the monkey) registered a neural impulse. The monkey was only observing an action and his brain fired away. Serendipity helped scientists discover mirror neurons which are also found in humans in many different areas of the brain.
My Mirror & Me
Why do you recoil in pain when you watch a strange child fall off a swing? Why do you feel fuzzy and warm when you see your sister happily dancing? It may be the same reason why an infant will stick out their tongue when they see someone else doing it repeatedly.
The mirror system is very powerful. It not only helps us imitate others it also gives our brain a sense of what others are experiencing so that we can feel along with them.
When you smile at a baby the baby smiles back at you. Something in the baby’s mirror mechanism activates the same region as your brain and helps them reciprocate to you. The baby’s smiling in turn activates your mirror system which encourages further smiling, cooing and eye contact. This way a healthy emotional mother-infant interaction is played out based on the mirror system. Such emotional exchanges build a neural foundation for further emotional and social development.
As we grow the mirror system becomes vital for expressing empathy. What if your friend goes through a situation that you can never imagine experiencing. Suppose you watch her mourn the death of a loved one. How do you know how to relate to her if you never suffered such grief? The mirror mechanism in your brain activates a feeling in you that is similar to what she is experiencing. You are literally mirroring her emotional experience. This information gives you clues as to what to say (or not to say) and what to do. This is a crucial building block for empathy. The mirror neurons in our brain provide a physiological explanation for all the times you were able to feel for another person when you watched their pain or joy.
The Mirroring Might
The mirror system has been utilized by athletes. Because repeatedly observing an expert tennis player will help one play better. But how can mirror neurons help you be a better mother and raise empathic children?
Mothers empathize, mothers are devoted to understanding, and mothers are also watched by children all day long.
Mothering is not so much about what we say, explain or what we do in our everyday housekeeping. Mothering is about the emotions we embody, the subtleties our children observe and our ability to empathize by stepping out of our shoes and squeezing into the small but significant sizes our children personify.
Harness the power of mirror neurons in your day-to-day interactions. After the stage of cooing and smiling at infants we can further develop their mirror system by literally mirroring a toddler’s emotional expression. Reacting to his ‘boo boo’ with the same intensity or squealing with delight just as excited as he is.
Scientists calls these mirror neurons ‘cells that read minds’. Indeed as children grow mothers have to ‘read’ their children to sense what they are experiencing. Using your mirror system will help you accurately validate your child and help them express their feelings.
Does My Mirror Lie?
Mind reading goes two ways. Children also naturally use their mirror system to read your mind. This is sometimes the complex aspect of mothering. When children immediately and instinctively ‘feel you out’ how do you react?
Suppose you are talking in the kitchen on the phone. Afterwards you feel upset, agitated and nervous. A while later your child asks you “Who did you speak to before?” or the child inquires “What happened?” Answering that “I was just talking to a friend” or “nothing happened” is confusing to the child. The same way a mirror doesn’t lie they innately feel that their mirror system cannot lie. Therefore, it is important to validate the feeling that the child sensed.
Spilling all the beans and saying “it was the lawyer and he called to say that your father is not planning on paying the tuition bills and now Mommy has to find where to get a loan of $10,000” is just as unhealthy as saying “Nothing. Go play”.
Mirroring and validating the child’s feelings helps them regulate and deal with situations creating a safe and honest environment where everyone can be ‘real’. Can you imagine how calm that would be?
A Mirroring Mother:
- Be true and honest about your feelings. Kids feel it anyway. No need to overwhelm them but definitely don’t deny it.
- Model healthy communication, real empathy, and other emotional skills. Let their brains fire away as they watch you deal with sticky situations, happy moments and other times. The more they will ‘see’ things the more their brains will form a neural highway and help them go down that path when they are in those situations.
- Encourage healthy imitation. Children naturally copycat and doing so lays the groundwork for more advanced empathy skills.
- When you are in a situation where you need to reconnect to your child. Try mimicking their body language which will feel reciprocal and establish closeness. With younger children it can be more overt. They frown you frown and they feel understood. With older children try to adapt their physical position or their tone of voice. Mirroring their actions activates their mirror system and helps them mirror you and presto it forms a connection.
- Use your mirror system to read their minds. Try to get a sense of what they are feeling by simply observing them.
- Most of all remember that the face you show is the face your kids see. Smile and they will be more likely to mirror it back to you with a happy face.
Toby Vogel MHC is a writer and therapist residing in Yerushalyim. She can be reached at [email protected]