Dr. Candida Abrahamson PhD

Ask yourself what causes the three biggest fights in marriage? Don't peek below before you try to answer.

My guess is that you're right: children, in-laws--and money. And money struggles precede children, and most likely outlast in-laws.

Joining Forces Financially

Joining forces financially means that "your" money becomes "our" money.  You may have lived together for five years, but it's not until the fancy dinner he buys you for your birthday means you're short the cable bill that the reality of a shared account sinks in. Who you are now includes another person, emotionally and legally (if you're married).

Couples may fight openly about money, or they may suffer silently, increasing emotional distance. Alternatively (remember the Madoffs?), one or both can live in a fool's paradise, willfully ignorant about finances--until disaster strikes.

Why would people suffer silently or avoid knowing about something that affects them so significantly? Money has different emotional meanings to different spouses,  depending on their family-of-origin, their own experiences, and their psychological make-up.

Money Can Equal Power

To many, money = power. The spouse who makes more money earns a 'get-out-of-chores free' card, gets to buy impulse purchases, may decide what city the couple inhabits. The 'richer spouse' can use money as a mechanism of control, while the 'poorer spouse' may be too intimidated to verbalize concerns.

The controlling spouse likes the status-quo and is therefore often resistant to couples therapy. To that spouse I say:  In divorce court all assets are split 50/50. You can share financially within the marriage and improve marital happiness, or you'll be forced to share by law when the marriage ends.

To the timid spouse I say: If you don't speak up for your financial needs in your marriage, you'll lose more of your self in other ways as well. Money is the most tangible of the ways your life may be out of your control.

Once you're committed to opening dialogue about couple finances, use standard communication strategies to avoid blow-ups: pick a clam and private time, present your case in 'I-statements,' listen to your spouse until they finish without defending yourself. If you don't succeed, that's what professional help is for. Considering what potential disasters it might save, the price is worth it.

The Checkbook

Start concretely with the checkbook.  Do you want one --or three?

One checkbook assumes responsible partners can operate freely, and don't feel the need to hide their spending. But remember: this requires complete openness.

Sometimes couples think 'His, Hers and Ours' checkbooks will simplify matters. These are either an equal split or pro-rated by income. Caution: This option does not eliminate money fights. Little jealousies arise. Often they come in the guise of who gets more "special stuff."

Additionally, there's a financial black hole--neither partner knows the whole picture. If you're thinking, "I don't want him dictating my spending!", address your emotional reasons for wanting distance. 

Either way, provide complete visibility. If you have to hide your financial practices, something is wrong in your marriage.

No matter how you decide to divide the checkbook, there should be three laws for checking accounts, according to Jeff Opdyke, author of  Financially Ever After.

1. Law of Autonomy: Each spouse may use a certain amount of money each month, agreed upon by both, however s/he desires, no questions asked.  The other partner doesn't even get to eye-roll.

2. Sunshine Law: Justice Brandeis believed that sunshine was the best disinfectant. So here each spouse makes individual accounts or credit cards readily available at any time. If you want to password your spouse out of your accounts, what is the reason? Where is trust in such a relationship?

3. Law of Equal Say: The spouse who earns less still has equal say in important financial decisions. You can't come home and announce, "Honey, I quit my job," or, "I just cashed out my 401K," without prior agreement.

Four Styles of Dividing Financial Responsibility

Beyond checkbooks, most couples fall into one of four styles of dividing financial responsibilities.

1) One partner takes control of the family's finances, and the other partner is only too happy to hand it over. Sometimes Spouse A works to educate Spouse B about the finances, but those efforts are met by a profound lack of interest.

There are advantages to having one person in charge--as long as Partner B is amenable and pays attention. Person A has a view of the entire financial landscape and thus knows where assets are, how much is available for purchases or investments, and how to move funds around when needed.

The Sunlight Law must operate. Spouse A must make all financial transactions available to inspection at any time, as well as a list of where accounts are located, passwords, and the tax return. The other partner in this process must utilize this information to know where the money is. It sounds like a Grisham novel, but if you don't pay attention, you could one day find your spouse has lost your wealth and rung up debts, or worse, frauds, for which you are responsible.

Speaking of responsible, do not sign your tax return without looking at it. You are legally responsible for what you sign. If you need help reading the forms, get it. The adjusted gross income should jive with your spending. Use common sense, and ask questions.

2)  One partner gets assigned to take care of the finances, and does so begrudgingly. Partner A stuck in this role because Partner B refuses to deal with money--and partner A realizes someone needs to pay some bills.

3) Both partners actually want financial control, but one spouse claims it through force of will. This leaves the second partner feeling left-out and powerless; a set-up for resentment.

4) Both partners share the duties, each taking responsibility for what they're best at or what interests them. I enjoy picking investments, so I'm chief investment officer of my household. My husband is dogged and can manage insurance companies. He's chief-of-nasty-business officer.

Key to all approaches: talk frequently, so you both know what is going on--and also so that you can appreciate, and express that appreciation for, how much your spouse does for your mini-corporation's financial well-being.

Remember, money matters in couple relationships.

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For more information, see :

         Jeff Opdyke's Financially Ever After: The Couples' Guide to Managing Money, HarperCollinsPublishers.

This topic on my blog at http://candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com/

Dr. Candida Abrahamson has been coaching and mediating since receiving her PhD from Northwestern University in 1984. She specializes in mediation, family and marital therapy, bereavement counseling, and coaching communication and life management skills