By Dvorah Levy, LCSW

I had the honor of speaking at two singles events this weekend and observing the world of people trying to meet that special person with whom they can form an attachment. I quote a friend who said, regarding the continuing effort to find the right relationship, that "it is the triumph of hope over experience."

We are hardwired to want to be in a relationship with someone. That yearning is a very human and special part of ourselves. The reasons for remaining single are varied. For some there are psychological forces at play in the form of unresolved issues from the past. We are deeply affected by what we experienced in our homes growing up. If we did not have a consistent, loving primary caregiver; if we experienced abandonment, rejection or abuse; if we witnessed any of the above between our parents, later on this would affect our ability to form healthy interdependent relationships. If we carry around serious issues with self-esteem that make it difficult to engage another in conversation and/or succeed professionally, this too will impact our ability to form relationships. If in fact you struggle with any of the above experiences, it doesn't mean that you are doomed to remain single; rather, with some work on yourself via psychotherapy, unconscious relationship reenactments will become more conscious, and consciousness expands our parameters of choice.  

There is another aspect of being single, which is not having found the right person yet. It's a frustrating reality that it is often hard to meet individuals of the opposite gender in the frum world, which is why the work Frank Buchweitz is doing through the Orthodox Union and Sharon Ganz is doing through her Orthodox Singles group are so important. Remember to keep in mind that you need only one! So if one hundred men or women are found to be unsuitable (do a self check that the aforementioned isn't coming into play), still keep the faith, because with the right one life will change overnight. I truly believe that there is someone for everyone. Over time many people broaden the parameters of what they are looking for. You may want to try that early on. On two occasions I was asked by women during my talk, "What do you do with men who are commitment phobic?" I was asked by men, "What do you do when the women are attracted to only the cooler, more aloof men?" Well, there you may have a self-perpetuating cycle.

It was Shabbat Parshat Zachor. My first speaking engagement was to be in Monsey over Shabbat and my second in Teaneck, Motzei Shabbat. I don't like driving, especially when I have no idea where I am going. I usually don't go farther than Hewlett or Flatbush, which is where my offices are located. My anxiety levels were climbing as Shabbat approached; how would I find my way? To help myself I borrowed a GPS from my neighbor. On the way up to Monsey I fell in love - with Garmin. He was reliable, consistent and helpful. True, he's short and square, but after a while that didn't bother me. I must confess, at some point I had some anxiety and wondered whether he really would come through for me, but I recognized that as my issue. What really sealed the deal for me was what happened when I made a mistake. I held my breath, waiting to hear "What's wrong with you?" when instead Garmin said "recalculating" in a calm, steady voice.

Could there be insights here into relationships? Maybe in fact we all should be looking for our Garmin. Someone who will complement our weaknesses with strengths of their own, someone who is steady, reliable and dependable and when we mess up will come to us with equanimity and say "recalculating." Would we then be able to overlook if in fact that person weren't as tall and broad or as thin and pretty as we had wanted? What if couples, when triggered by each other and about to go off into a predictable negative interactive cycle, were able to stop, say "recalculating" and come back to each other with empathy?

It's not easy being single, and it's often very challenging to be in a relationship. My advice is the following:

         Make yourself as "relationship ready" as possible. Take a close look at unresolved issues and unsatisfying relationship patterns. This may require the help of a professional relationship therapist.

         Take very good care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Be that person you yourself wish to attract.

         Whatever your line of work is, do it well and strive to succeed. Success is attractive and reflects competence.

         When looking for Mr. or Miss Right, think carefully about what you really need in a partner. My advice - think Garmin.

Dvorah Levy, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice working with individuals and couples and specializing in relationship issues: marriage, parenting and dating. She maintains offices in Hewlett and Flatbush. Dvorah Levy is trained in Emotionally Focused Couple and Gestalt therapies. She can be reached at (516) 660-7157.