Rosalind Levine

There is a donkey in the middle of the road. A man wants to pass and so he yells at the donkey, telling it to move but the donkey does not budge. So he gets behind the animal, takes a stick and hits the donkey.  Again, it does not budge. So the man tries to push the donkey and kicks it. No movement. He then goes to the other end and offers the donkey some grass and, lo and behold, the donkey follows the man and moves off the road.  
This can serve as a lesson in how to get children to cooperate. If we want children to do what is expected of them, they need an incentive. When there is something in it for them, children are more willing to do things that, while they are important to their parents, are not so meaningful to them. Conversely, children do not respond well to threats and yelling and pushing from their parents.  They resent the repeated demands and what they perceive as control. In such situations, children may become oppositional, not unlike the donkey, and there is resultant conflict and tension between children and parents.  
There is a 'dance' that occurs when parents yell at and push their children. The more a parent engages in such behaviors, the more the child will refuse to comply. The parent will end up feeling frustrated and angry and will likely make threats and yell louder. This only breeds resentment, anger and a sense of not being understood on the part of the child, leading to even more resistance. And so the dance goes.   But when parents change their steps to provide rewards, the children's steps will in turn change.   
Imagine if the morning routine, homework routine, and going to bed routine, were all opportunities to earn rewards. Would children not demonstrate good midos if such actions were praised or otherwise rewarded? This new system would yield a reduction in yelling as well as an expectation of winning rewards. Gone would be the conflict that was perpetuated by the old dance.  The parents' role is to offer the good things that their children will appreciate so as to motivate their children.  Now, the family can work together as a team toward common goals.  Motivating children gets them to learn to cooperate and leads to shalom bais.  
 Rewards need to match the deed, so that for little but significant cooperation they merit small but significant rewards.  While we often think of material rewards, what is most appreciated by children young and old is attention and time with parents.  Offering to play a game, read a book, learn or cook together or go out to the park or for ice cream are wonderful rewards that motivate children to do what we want. The fringe benefit of such rewards is that the parent-child bond can be strengthened.  To put a reward system into practice requires follow through and commitment on the part of parents.  Parents need to be vigilant, watching to see if children’s behaviors merit rewards.  A system of rewards puts an emphasis on the positive.  Thus, when children fail to reach targeted behaviors, they are not rewarded and also not punished, but are encouraged to try so that the next time they can earn their rewards. In this way there is no attention given to what is not being done or what is being done wrong and only positive behaviors are addressed. It is incumbent on parents to be firm and only give rewards when they are earned.  Schools often use systems of rewards, employing behavior charts, where students get checks for reaching targeted behaviors.  After a certain number of checks the individual and/or the class will be entitled to their reward.  
There are those who say that children should listen to parents as a matter of respect, without the need for rewarding them.  When children feel that parental authority is backed by caring and love they are more likely to accept rules.  Some parents set severe rules and impose them in a harsh and rigid way, often serving their own needs. In such a situation, there are more likely to be clashes as children may stand up for their needs. For example, a mother yelling at her children to clean up because SHE is running late and is stressed, is very different from a mother calmly rallying her children to do their tasks to get the house ready. The difference is subtle but very important because in the latter example there is a sense of understanding and caring and love that is conveyed from the mother to her children. From the viewpoint of offering rewards, the mother's approval and appreciation is a strong motivator for children to cooperate .   
 The act of rewarding can go a long way in shaping the behavior of others.  It provides the 'grass' that will lead people in our lives to where we want them to move.  

Dr. Levine is a Senior Staff Psychologist at Maimonides Medical Center, in the Child and Adolescent Outpatient Clinic. She also has a private practice in Boro Park and in Manhattan.  She can be contacted at [email protected].