Hindie M. Klein, PsyD

 They are born of the same parents, yet they are so different. They are loving and petty, helpful and hurtful, envious and generous, confidantes and rivals. With just one look, they can be giggling uncontrollably and with another, they can hurt coldly and squarely. They are bound forever, in times of happiness and in pain. And even if they don’t particularly like each other, they love each other.

They are sisters.

I recall my conversations with a sweet elderly woman, Hedy, a Holocaust survivor. Her older sister was everything to her, closer to her than her mother. “She would wake me up in the morning, and put me to sleep at night. She would always watch over me.” When Hedy was 19, she and her sister went to Auschwitz together. Hedy’s sister never left her side.

After 14 months of agony and torture, as liberation came near, Hedy contracted typhus and was near death. “She nursed me and cared for me, she wouldn’t let me die. And I survived.” But her beloved sister did not. Tragically, Hedy’s sister caught the typhus and died shortly afterwards. Years later, in painstakingly retelling this story over and over again, Hedy speaks of her sister lovingly and sadly.

“My sister told me so many times that if she could think of only one purpose of her life in Auschwitz, it was so that she could save me, it was that I should live. I will always love her. She will always be with me.” And indeed, she is. Hedy’s sister lives on, in the form of Hedy’s daughter who bears her sister’s name.

Sisterhood is such a powerful relationship. And perhaps more than other relationships, it is exquisitely complicated. Often this is affected by memories of early childhood, of realizing which was the favored child, or the more gifted, and later in life, who was the more fortunate, more talented, brighter or wealthier.

There can be periods of great closeness, but also periods of distance and strife. But almost always, no matter how different sisters are, or how varied their life experience, the bond of sisters remains unique, almost indestructable.

Years ago, I met two sisters who seemed so different. The elder was very serious, quiet, reserved and intellectual. The younger was bubbly, colorful and charming. One would never have thought they were related, much less sisters. When I discovered that they were sisters and noted how they seemed so different, the older sister paused for a moment and stated quietly, “We’re really very much the same, just inside out.” Theirs was a unique understanding -- no matter what their differences, they were bonded by a spirit that was entwined both externally and internally. It reminded me of a quote by the American writer and poet Toni Morrison: “A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves – a special kind of double.”

In a book of essays titled Sisters, author Carol Saline notes that although most sisters want what they perceive as an ideal relationship, what most sisters have is a relationship flawed by conflict. Saline chose to focus on sisters who genuinely liked each other, but also included essays on sisters who did not get along. In the latter case, the common feelings centered on a sense of loss. With sadness and some embarrassment, these sisters spoke of what the world thinks a sister should be and how they wished for that type of relationship.

This reminded me of the countless stories I have heard of sister relationships. Sisters who have given generously but who have not been given to in return. Sisters who have been resented for always being the better, or brighter, or more favored sibling. But also and ultimately, sisters who have stood up for one another and loved one another, no matter how much they disagreed.

In her book The Perfect Sister: What Draws Us Together, What Drives Us Apart, sociologist Marcia Millman explores the complicated relationship of sisterhood and the familial forces that shape it. In her attempt to study this important relationship that she feels has not been addressed in a serious way, Millman interviewed nearly 100 women of diverse backgrounds from around the country, and in many cases, more than one sister from the same family.

Millman writes about the unique ways sisters can help each other overcome the sorrows and disappointments of childhood, offering insights into why often sisters never feel close. For many sisters, what must be overcome is their tendency not to see or accept their sister for who they really are, but rather see the “imagined sister,” the sister they wish for.

Millman addresses issues of early childhood experiences, parental favoritism, the role of the older sister as caretaker, and the role of one sister taking on the role of parental confidante, which affects her relationships with her other sisters. Many adult women also fail to recognize the differences in how they and their sisters grew up. Instead, they fall into the trap of expecting their sister to behave or respond exactly as they would, an expectation that fuels misunderstanding and disappointment.

Later in life, sisters often come together around shared experiences, such as childbearing and caring for elderly parents, Millman observes. And after parents die, sisters can become even more important to one another emotionally, since they are their only tie to early memories and to the ultimate legacy of their family. This is particularly poignant when observing sisters who are the children of Holocaust survivors. As the exceptional generation of Holocaust survivors diminishes daily, their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren remain, each with their unique experiences of the trauma of their elderly loved one. Depending on how they have been raised or how the Holocaust has been spoken about or experienced during their lifetime, second-, third- and fourth-generation Holocaust survivors are affected in very personal and nuanced fashions. What often remain for sisters, particularly those who are children of Holocaust survivors, is to share their experiences, their stories and their link to their past. It binds them in a way that other experiences cannot, and it paves a path for their future relationship.

Is there an ideal relationship in sisterhood? As in any good relationship, sisters must acknowledge and accept being the same yet different. If there has been trauma with one or both of the sisters, such as the death of a loved one, divorce, financial stress, a child with a developmental disability or mental illness, there needs to be an acknowledgement that each person experiences and digests trauma in different ways. One sister may be proactive and seek professional help while the other may not. Each is exhibiting their distinctive strength and resilience in their own way.

At OHEL, we see many traumatized individuals of all ages. Some come alone; some come as families. We often see how siblings – particularly sisters – experience their trauma. No matter the case, sisters who respect the fact that their experiences are individual to them will fare better in empathically relating to one another.

The relationship between sisters must contain strong elements of respect and dignity, of effective communication, and of collaboration and commitment. There is also a spiritual and familial bond fueled by childhood memories and the mutual goal of perpetuating a family legacy.

And when all goes well, the relationship of sisters can transcend the ordinary to the point of being magical.

Dr. Hindie M. Klein is the Director of Clinical Projects at OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services. Dr. Klein, a psychologist and psychoanalyst, also maintains a private practice specializing in the treatment of children, adolescents, adults and couples.