Yitzchak Rosman, Psy.D.
“I can give you $3,800, but can’t go any higher.”
My stomach dropped.
How could he only offer $3,800? I bought the car three-and-a-half years ago for roughly $16,000 and, while it now had a few dings and scratches (and was in a couple of minor accidents), it still worked as perfectly as the day I was first handed the keys and title. How could he not see the value?!
I was having my subcompact car appraised for trade-in because I needed to upgrade to a four-wheel-drive SUV for the commute to my new job. Truthfully, I wished I could have kept the car, which was surprising to me since I was never someone who cared what kind of car I was driving. I learned how to drive on my parents’ mini-van, which ended up being my mode of transportation throughout high school and college. But this car was different. To me, it represented independence (it was the first car that I purchased with my own money), family (it was the car in which I drove my eldest son home from the hospital), professional success (I drove the car to and from graduate school, externships, internships and conferences), and my overall personality (when I bought the car, everyone’s comment to me when they first saw me driving it was “that car is so you!”).
Trading in this car felt like me giving up a piece of myself, and he thought I would be willing to accept $3,800!?
I stared blankly at the car appraiser.
His response seemed tailored to my thoughts: “I know that $3,800 doesn’t seem like a lot, but there are a number of criteria that I use to evaluate a car’s worth and, unfortunately, sentimental value is not one of them.”
Intellectually, I understood his explanation. Make, model, year, mileage and wear-and-tear were relevant to the car’s value; my emotional connectedness was not. I begrudgingly accepted his offer.
Sentimental Value
Certain objects have high subjective worth even when they have limited objective value. This worth stems from an individual's personal or emotional associations with the object rather than its actual material worth. Interestingly, while human beings seem innately hard-wired to sentimentally connect to objects, places or even other individuals, they often have difficulty realizing their own sentimental value.
This discrepancy is, to a large degree, a function of the “value messages” that people are exposed to through interactions with family members, the media and society at large. Messages such as: “You are what you drive/ where you work/who you know/how much money you make” and so forth all serve to subvert the seemingly obvious sentimental connection to an individual's own intrinsic worth. As people learn to rate themselves based upon their external accomplishments, material possessions or social standing, they inadvertently discount the possibility that their worth is innate and ever-present.
An object that is perceived to be worthless is rarely paid the attention necessary for it to achieve subjective worth. Consequently, an individual who believes that his unadorned self bears no inherent value unknowingly undermines the basic building blocks necessary to form a sentimental connection with his own self. In essence, the individual takes on the role of the appraiser in the story that began this article, rather than the role of the car owner.
Unhealthy Self-esteem
As one encounters significant life-experiences he begins to solidify, consciously or subconsciously, the external categories upon which to stake his self-esteem. Success or failure in these particular areas determines the person’s sense of self-worth. As a result, the individual tends to actively pursue validation of his self-worth by expending great efforts in the domains in which his self-esteem is invested. Such an expenditure can, at times, have unwanted negative results. An individual who stakes his self-esteem on professional success, for example, may choose to work long hours at the office even if doing so has limited professional impact and results in negative consequences with regard to family life.
Within the context of unhealthy self-esteem, this work ethic may be understood as the individual's attempt to exercise control over his level of self-worth by exerting excessive effort in the“employment category” of his self-esteem rating formula. Interestingly, because professional success hinges upon many variables that are not within the individual's control, pursuit of enhanced self-esteem by way of success in this area often results in feelings of anxiety, depression, and fluctuating levels of self-esteem.
Healthy Self-esteem
If unhealthy self-esteem is categorized by taking the appraiser-role rather than the owner-role, then healthy self-esteem can be understood as an individual sentimentally connecting with himself. It is the acceptance of self-worth and self-esteem as inherent in a person’s
being rather than based upon one's rating within a given external category. This acceptance validates a person's inherent value, laying the foundation for him to sentimentally connect with himself.
For an individual to accept his innate worth and integrate such acceptance into his life, however, it is important that he have a justified reason to believe that he is genuinely and unconditionally worthwhile. Just as one would be hard-pressed to fabricate a sentimental connection to an object, it is impossible to manufacture a basis for inherent self-worth.
The Torah provides the basis for the sentimental connection with one's self.
Healthy Self-esteem based on Tzelem Elokim
In the first chapter of Bereishit (1:27), it is written: "And God created man in His image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." Rabbi Akiva, in Pirkei Avot (3:14) expounds upon this verse, stating, "Beloved is man for he was created in the Image. It was an act of special favor that it was disclosed to him that he was created in God’s image, as it said: 'For in the image of God did he create man.'"
Believing that human beings are created in Hashem's image is different from genuinely feeling that one is created in His image. Healthy self-esteem comes about when one is able to harness the belief to elicit the feeling.
Working to strip away the external domains upon which one stakes self-value provides a starting point for the disintegration of unhealthy self-esteem and the development or strengthening of healthy self-esteem. In doing so, one enables the ever-present, intrinsic, human value infused in mankind at the time of Creation to surface. This provides the foundation for an individual to embrace the owner-role, sentimentally connect to his innate value, and develop a self-worth that is immeasurable, unwavering and truly healthy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yitzchak (Tzachi) Rosman lives in Teaneck, NJ and works as a psychologist on the Substance Abuse Treatment Program-Residential unit (SATP-R) at the VA Hudson Valley HCS in Montrose, NY. He has presented on the topic of developing healthy self-esteem to middle-school students and postgraduates, alike. Tzachi has a particular interest in the impact of unhealthy self-esteem on addiction, bullying, and emotional discomfort. He may be reached at [email protected].