Mind Body and Soul

By Binyamin Tepfer PhD, CSAT, CMAT

Chani had a pained and bewildered look in her eyes as she entered my office with her husband Josh. The reason for her distress, Chani explained, was her recent "discovery" of her husband's covert, sexually-related Internet activity, which is known as "online infidelity," and which has turned her life into a living nightmare. Chani was horrified and felt utterly betrayed by Josh's secret life on the Internet, which made her paranoid about her husband's every activity. She did not even trust him to go to work alone. The pain of her unbearable existence finally brought Chani to realize that it was too much for her to handle on her own, and that she needed to reach out for help.

Sadly, Chani's story is all too common of late. An unsuspecting wife late one night notices that her husband's bed is empty, and then discovers that he is engrossed in viewing utterly inappropriate things on the Internet. When Chani discovered Josh doing this, he claimed that it was an accident, an unintentional one-time incident that was an aberration. But his pitiful excuses were unconvincing. Chani's discovery helped her to make sense of all the disturbing things that had been going on with Josh for the last several months, his lame excuses for staying late at work, the unlikely explanations for why it took so long for him to come home from shul down the block, and family functions that Josh somehow never made it to. That brief moment of discovery and clarity explained it all to Chani.

But what came as another shock to Chani was her realization that her late-night discovery was only the tip of the iceberg of what she would ultimately uncover about Josh's online behavior. There were emails, Facebook friends, and anonymous texts that began to form a larger pattern of online infidelity. Josh's explanation that he had never actually met anyone in person from his online contacts only made Chani feel even worse.

My clinical assessment of Josh confirmed Chani's account and led me to a diagnosis of sex addiction. Josh also admitted that he was able to easily bypass the Internet content filters on his computer to get his sexual content "fix." I recommended a rigorous program of recovery for Josh, including individual therapy, joining a weekly psychotherapy group for men struggling with sexually addictive and compulsive behaviors, and attending weekly S-Anon meetings.

I also assured Josh that research indicates that addicts who commit themselves to such programs were most likely to recover and prevent relapses. [1] I also helped Josh to understand that his "virtual" infidelity had much the same effect on his wife as if he had actually engaged in illicit physical behaviors with another person. Both virtual and traditional forms of infidelity are a betrayal of the implied vow that a couple has made to engage in strong levels of intimacy exclusively with each other. As Josh progressed in therapy, he stopped spouting his earlier justifications and began taking responsibility for his own actions.

For Chani however, the situation became even more unbearable because she had no one to talk to about her struggle. She did not feel comfortable discussing the situation with the people she usually turned to: her close friends, her sisters, and her mother. She was convinced that they would never look at her and Josh the same way if she told them what was going on.

In therapy, Chani was finally able to give a voice to her pain and get the emotional support that she so desperately needed. She finally began to understand why neutral things that she encountered throughout her day, such as an unfamiliar email address, were setting off her panic responses. By participating in the therapy and reading up on the concepts of co-addiction and co-dependency, Chani was able to begin her own road to recovery and sanity. She learned "the three C's" - that she didn't cause, couldn't control, nor could she cure Josh's problematic behaviors. That was something only he could do. It was also suggested that she attend S-Anon groups, which helped her network with others in her situation and gain the social support she desperately needed.

There are six stages of recovery for the spouse of one struggling with sexually compulsive behaviors:[2] 1) the developing stage, 2) crisis/discovery, 3) shock, 4) grief, 5) repair, and 6) growth.

Understanding these stages helped Chani to get through some of the more difficult times with Josh. She also learned that Josh first had to make enough progress working on himself before he and Chani could actually start working together as a couple again. That is because a successful marriage needs two independently healthy individuals.

After several solid months of each spouse working on their own strong recovery program, I felt they were ready to begin tackling their marriage together. The most hopeful side of this kind of experience is that although couples who begin therapy with issues of physical or virtual infidelity start off with higher levels of distress than other couples do, they often leave therapy with higher levels of improvement. [3] A crisis that calls for a deeper examination of the marriage can create the potential for tremendous growth. As they continue to reexamine and redefine themselves in the process of therapy, Josh and Chani are now emerging as a more committed couple than ever before.

While confronting infidelity often begins with feelings of despair, there is real hope for couples who are willing to reach out for the proper help. The journey back home to one's marriage and one's own self requires tremendous effort, but it can be one of enlightening growth and inspiration, as well.

Binyamin Tepfer PhD, CSAT, CMAT, is a NYS licensed psychologist, certified sex addiction therapist, and certified multiple addiction therapist. He maintains a private practice in Cedarhurst, NY, where he counsels individuals, couples, and facilitates groups for men with sexually addictive and compulsive behaviors. He can be reached at 516-426-5415, [email protected] , or www.binyamintepfer.com