Rabbi Noach Orlowek, shlit”a, defines anger as “the distance between expectation and reality.”
I think this definition neatly explains much of the parental anger that we moms and dads struggle with
as we try to raise superstar children. So much of our anger is the result of our having expectations of
our children that are not met. This does not mean that we shouldn’t have expectations of them – only
that we should be careful to temper those expectations with a clear picture of reality.
Generally speaking, parents do not get angry at infants for dirtying their diapers. That’s easy,
because we are expecting them to do exactly that. If an infant is not producing dirty diapers, we
areeven concerned that something might be wrong. We have an expectation that is easily and regularly
being met.
Yet when an older child who has already been potty trained has an accident, it is not uncommon
for parents to get angry. They expected that their child could keep themselves clean and he did
not. But is this really fair? It is unlikely that the child is deliberately flouting his parents’ rulesin order
toantagonize them. He probably didn’t notice he had to go, or miscalculated his ability to hold it, or any
number of scenarios that would be quite understandable for ayoung child. Haven’t you ever forgotten
to eat until you realized you were famished? Or miscalculated the time it would take you to get to your
destination? We are human, and we sometimes make those kinds of mistakes. Adults usually don’t err
in ways that end up in their going to the bathroom in their pants; but for children in their early years, it’s
for the most part neither unusual nor purposeful. Parents who recognize that are more likely to react
with compassion rather than anger.
Similarly, tantrums are inevitable from time to time, but they’re perfectly normal. It therefore
behooves parents to be on alert when kids are under the stress of hunger, fatigue, etc., which make
tantrums more likely to happen. The anticipation of the event makes it much less overwhelming when it
arrives.
However, if you believe that tantrums are deviations from your child’s normally acceptable
behavior, you are probably going to have a much harder time accepting them with equanimity – which,is
the best response. As Rabbi Leib Kelemen says, “You give in to a tantrum – you buy yourself thirty
more.” (There is much more to say on this topic, which I will leave for another article.)
Tantrums should be seen as normal for a human being who is only beginning to gain awareness
of his emotions, wants, and needs. When one of my children throws a tantrum, I remind myself that
this is the best she can do given her limited emotional development. Heck, I know many adults who
have trouble controlling their emotions and staying level-headed in the face of stress and frustration.
(Remember the last time you saw an angry customer yelling, illogically, at the cashier or receptionist
about something which was obviously out of the latter’s control?) Can we really expect children to
maintain perfect control over their burgeoning emotionalfaculties? Once we come to realize that our
children simply lack the tools to respond in a more productive way, it becomes easier to tolerate “bad”
behavior and to help them find the right way to deal with the problem. Remember that they will
discover that path by watching us – if we react to difficult times calmly, they will learn to do so as well.
If we lose our tempers when the going gets tough, how can we expect our kids to do any better?
Interestingly, I think this same phenomenon is at work with teenagers. Teenagers are known
for making excruciatingly bad decisions and doing things that most grownups would consider stupid.
Yet these are also relative assessments. We don’t call it a “bad decision” when an infant tries to stick
his finger in the electric socket. We don’t consider it “stupid” when a toddler pours her cup of juice on
herself and then cries because she’s wet. They just don’t know any better, and don’t have the tools
for assessing the consequences of their actions. Teenagers, being much more capable, sometimes fool
us into forgetting that they are in fact not quite yet adults. Their decision-making abilities are not fully
developed, nor is their capacity to evaluate consequences.
This is demonstrated by both our tradition and by modern science. The Torah tells us that a
person can be prosecuted in a Jewish court of law once they turn 12 or 13. However, a person is not

held accountable in the Heavenly court until they are 20. In between those two markers are precisely
the teenage years: during this time there is a measure of accountability, but not full accountability. The
necessarily faculties for achieving full responsibility are cultivatedin the intervening period.
Modern neuroscience tells us the same thing: the wiring in the brain that is responsible for
complex functions such as planning, prioritizing, and controlling impulses undergoes tremendous
development during the teenage years– meaning that teenagers’ decision-making abilities are still a
work in progress. If parents kept this in mind when confronted by the results of their teen’s latest poor
choice, they might find it much easier to feel compassion over anger.
There’s an old joke in which a man asks his rav, “Where does good judgment come
from?” “Experience,” replies the sage. “And where does experience come from?” continues the talmid.
The rav responds, “Bad judgment.”Teenagers often have bad judgment. It leads them to unpleasant
consequences, which we wish they wouldn’t have to suffer. At such times, the best response is to
remind ourselves that they made the best decision they could at the time and to empathize with them.
It is tempting to ascribe to them full culpability for their actions; but, just as with an infant at a socket,
they are simply not equipped to make better choices. The fact that sometimes they do make good
decisions, even hard ones, is no contradiction. How many times did your toddler fall before learning to
walk right? How many mistakes did your grade-schooler make before learning his multiplication table?
Consistency comes only after considerable practice and many errors. The teen years are be the practice
period for decision-making.
We should take a lesson from G-d himself in responding to our children. The Gemara in Sotah
(14a) says that the Torah begins and ends with chesed: in Bereishit, G-d makes clothes for Adam and
Eve; in Devarim, He Himself buries Moses. The two narratives have something more in common. Adam
made a mistake that changed the course of his life; Moses likewise made a tragic error that prevented
him from achieving his lifelong goal of entering EretzYisrael. Both of them failed to live up to what
G-d had expected and hoped for from them; and yet G-d did not refrain even then from bestowing
His goodness upon them. Shouldn’t we try to walk in His ways and offer our children the same
unconditional love?

Rabbi Raffi Bilek, LSW maintains a private counseling practice online at www.frumcounselor.com and
sees clients across the globe. He is also a speaker on issues related to domestic violence and sexual
abuse in the Jewish community.