We are living in difficult and turbulent times. Never in history has it been harder or more challenging to raise children. As a result, parents of even physically and emotionally healthy children are constantly seeking guidance.

Seeing and reading how much can go wrong, parents understand that they need to set the right environment in their home. They want to know what kind of soil to cultivate to raise children as happy and successful human beings and ovdei Hashem.

To begin, we need to realize that each child has his or her own techunos (innate characteristics), and nitiyos, (behavioral propensities). Psychological research has proven the Torah’s wisdom when it says: “Chanoch l’naar al pi darko.” Each child needs a custom-made parenting plan. What worked for Yankie might not work for Shloimie, because they are innately wired differently.

So how does a parent begin? The Torah teaches us that by developing ourselves into better people, we naturally become better parents. The real challenge of parenting is transforming ourselves. “K’shot atzmicha, v’az kshot acheirim.” First fix yourself up and then you will be able to fix others.  

To a large degree, we learn to parent from the way we were parented. To the extent that you were fortunate to have had adequate parenting, you will likely have internalized the principle of chanoch l’naar al pi darko. It will also be more natural for you to be guided by the concept of: “Smol docha viyimin mekareves,” (the left hand pushes away and the right hand draws you back close), and will know how to set firm limits with an abundance of love.

However, if you did not experience your own parents this way, it can leave you with “emotional baggage.” These are superfluous feelings from childhood that can weigh you down, but no matter how hard you try, they remain attached to you. You may say to yourself: “My parents did this to me, it was awful, I will never do this to my children,” but under stress you find yourself repeating that pattern. Stress can cause unclear thinking that can cause us to go back to the default setting of our own childhoods.

So what is the solution? Are you trapped?

Absolutely not! The key to changing your programming is awareness. Whether through self-awareness or someone else pointing it out, you need to have the courage to accept the challenge and the willingness to change. You will need to work hard and get support and guidance to change that behavior. Parents need to make conscious changes. It is difficult to implement any of the parenting techniques you learn without being ready to work on transforming yourself.

Case in point: Rivkie and Mordechai came for counseling because of problems they were having parenting their son. He was explosive at home when everything did not go his way, and had frequent meltdowns over small things.

In their first session, the parents both spoke about their own childhoods. Mordechai described being a rambunctious child in need of frequent discipline. His father screamed at him whenever he misbehaved. This yelling was so painful for him that, at a young age, Mordechai made a decision never to allow himself to become angry or to even express a strong personal opinion.

Rivkie came from a family where they “let it all hang out.” It was a large household where there was constant drama. Anger and explosiveness were always in the air. Rivkie had internalized this as “normal.”

This couple needed to learn how to regulate their emotions more effectively and to practice expressing their feelings to one another in a calm, open manner.

Mordechai had been withdrawn and fearful that contradicting his wife’s opinion would cause an explosive reaction. Rivkie had been expressing her feelings in a loud and intimidating manner, and then complaining that Mordechai was emotionally unavailable.

When I reflected back to them that behaviors they had learned in childhood were not working in their marriage or with their children, they were eager and motivated to change. Our sessions led to their relationship strengthening, and as a result, their son’s behavior problems disappeared.

To be an effective parent we start, not by focusing on the child’s process, but on our own.   Individuals who have transformed into better parents have essentially worked on transforming themselves.

Esther Fuchs, LCSW is in private practice with over 25 years of experience providing Torah and evidence- based practice to families and children. She can be reached at 917-348-9809.