By Faye Wilbur, LCSW

Our community is remarkable. The amount of chesed (acts of kindness) done on any given day by different organizations comprised of wonderful individuals is unparalleled. We are there for each other in good times and bad times. If someone has given birth or is sitting shiva, the family need not be concerned about where their next meal is coming from. They can rest assured it will be delivered by family, friend or neighbor. With all this concern and caring, we still worry what people will think of us and our families if they find out we are going to a mental health clinic and working out a problem in order to feel and function better.

There are times when the best help a person can receive is sitting one-on-one with a qualified social worker or psychologist, figuring out the problem and finding ways to cope with it and overcome it. If it is a shalom bayis (marital harmony) problem, sometimes the work needs to be done by each person separately and then they can gradually work together. In typical shalom bayis issues, each half of the couple needs to be ready to understand what he or she contributes to the unhappiness and be willing to take responsibility both for the cause and the solution. Family therapy gives everyone in the family a voice. Each member has the opportunity to express him or herself and work together to improve the family.

Then there is group therapy, which is replete with opportunity and fills a number of different voids, each of which provides a different and vital part of the whole. I will use different groups to help illustrate the point.

Psychoeducation is the component of the group which is instructive. The therapist is prepared to impart information on a particular topic. There is a weekly group in Boro Park where each mother is there to learn to be a better mother. She wants to do the best job she can and therefore chose to participate. The group has discussed child development; what a parent can expect and how she ought to treat children as they grow from infancy through adolescence and beyond. For a few weeks the group focused on parenting children with attention deficit disorder and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. They zeroed in on the way a parent would parent these children with their own struggles. The women are able to listen, ask questions and share ideas and techniques. Each woman can talk not only about her frustration and struggles, but also to share successes and techniques she has tried that have worked.

We go to therapy and talk about issues that are personal and sometimes painful, and the experience of talking makes some people feel vulnerable. That is why each group has rules about respecting and protecting all members.

Men sometimes struggle in marriage because they do not know how to express themselves in a healthy way, and thus they alienate their wives and children. They might yell or criticize their family in ways they would never treat their neighbor, boss or friend. In a group for such men, they acknowledge that they need to learn and practice how to speak politely and respectfully, how to treat their wife as an ezer k'negdo (help meet) and enjoy their children. When they have accomplished this, they will no longer need to demand respect from their family. It will have been earned. If a therapist, one-on-one, would say certain things to a man, he might minimize or deny it. However, if Yanky points out the misstep Reuven took, he is being called to task by someone who acknowledges he is struggling with the same issue, and therefore Reuven is more likely to hear it.

There are some skills you cannot learn and practice sitting one-on-one with a therapist. Children sometimes relate well one-on-one with an adult, yet are lacking the skills to make friends. Socialization groups give children the opportunity to learn the skills and immediately put them into practice. A group exercise in a girls' socialization group has each girl talk about something that is easy for her and something that is hard for her. The exercise gives the girls the opportunity to share information, find out how they are similar or dissimilar, and express a need or want with the help of the therapist until she can do it on her own. Sitting with a therapist does not give the child the same opportunity for growth. The group is also like an incubator. It is the place where new skills are learned and tried out until the children can take these skills to school, camp and their block.

These are skills they will use the rest of their lives.

Normalizing the problem is one of the most important purposes of a group. In a cognitive behavioral therapy group, to overcome anxiety, the members see and hear other people talk about how their anxiety interferes with their optimal functioning. Suddenly, perhaps for the first time in their lives, the group members hear that other people have uncontrollable anxiety before going to social gatherings and might go only if they have to.

Toby was afraid of taking elevators. In the group, she was able to have her new friends not only understand her worry, but offer to wait for her downstairs and ride up with her, or ride down with her when the group ends. Unlike other people in her life, her friends from the group did not make her feel inadequate as others have done in the past.

A Banana Splits group is for young children 6-8 years old whose parents are separated or divorced. Children this young often feel the most isolated and most confused by the change in the family. It only took a few months for this group to become a cohesive unit. At one of the first sessions, they went around the room talking about their families. Shmueli proclaimed in complete astonishment when it was his turn, "no one here lives with their Mommy and Tati in the same house." It was the first time he sat in a room with other children whose parents are also separated or divorced.

The therapists had a Chanukah party with the group which included nosh and gifts. These turned out to be secondary to the content of the group. They talked about not having Mommy and Tati both present when they were lighting the menorah, having two sets of Chanukah parties at Mommy's family and Tati's family, and how hard it was for them. Duvid put his arm around Chaim and said he knows how hard it is, he lives with it too. This level of empathy expressed by one 7-year-old to another is incredibly healing.

Confidentiality and personal integrity are the cornerstone of successful therapy. One of the most common questions I get before someone joins a group is about privacy. Group members have a contract that is all about mutual respect. People in the group need to feel safe to say whatever is on their minds and hearts. Group members are bound by the same confidentiality that therapists are. No member can talk about another member outside of the group to anyone.

Sitting with others who are in a similar situation can be a wonderfully healing experience. The same way we as a community share joy and sorrow, we are gradually also sharing growth and healing with respect. Joining a group helps members not only helps themselves to grow and improve, but also the others.

Faye Wilbur, LCSW is a licensed Clinical Social Worker and family therapist. She is the Director of the Boro Park outpatient mental health clinic for Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services and can be reached at [email protected] or 718-435-5700.