In the course of our 120 years there will be, Gd willing, many wonderful times.  However, since we are here to grow, we may also face stress, loss, and hardships.  Some of us might experience abuse, neglect, poverty, or financial strain.  Others might face challenges in marriage or parenting, mental illness, or medical illness. Accidents, war, crimes, or “acts of nature” may undermine our sense of safety.  No one will escape the pain of losing a loved one.  At such times, competent psychotherapy can help us cope.

But what is psychotherapy?  It is not a “schmooze”; it is not advice or a friendship, and it is never, a romantic relationship.  Therapy is a professional relationship practiced within carefully protected, supportive, and safe boundaries. Like other “helping professions,” such as medicine, therapy is both an art and a science designedto help clients meet their goals for healing and living.  

There are many “modalities” of therapy: Some shape thoughts and behaviors to create internal and external health; some use the mind / body connection to bring harmony to the system; others helpclients explore their internal world so they may make informed choices in their lives. 

Some modalities build healthy communication between spouses or educate parents. Others are geared for crisis, trauma, or life threatening conditions.  Thanks to tremendous strides in research and the field of neuro (brain) science, we now understand more about why some modalities are safe and effective, while others are best abandoned for better options. All modalities require great technical skill as well as sensitivity by the therapist.

Good therapy can be a life saver, but bad “therapy” can cause deep emotional scars or wreak havoc in lives and relationships.  Bad treatment can drain financial resources and undermine emotional growth.

When it comes to physicians we want the “top.”  The same applies to mental health practitioners. Do your research: Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Reputable therapists will talk to you about their training, supervision, and professional experience. 

Here are some guidelinesfor interviewing a potential therapist: 

A therapist should:

·         Be educated and trained at an accredited institution;

·         Be supervised by a more experienced practitioner, or have regular peer supervision;

·         Regularly attend professional workshopsand trainings to sharpen skills;

·         Keep up with the current literature oneffective therapies;

·         Have expertise with your particular issues;

·         Be open to seeking rabbinic guidance;

·         Assure confidentiality; 

·         Adhere to professional standards, i.e., be on time for appointments, return phone calls, and work in a professional setting;

·         Encourage or insist that parents wait for their child in an adjacent waiting room, or join the session, but not leave the premises; 

·         Explain the rules of therapy and confidentiality to adult and child clients;explain they may repeat anything said to whomever they choose;

·         Be willing to strictly obey the laws of yichud (seclusion); 

·         Respect the client’s religious and cultural sensitivities;

·         Provide paperwork as needed;

·         Create a sense of safety to work through issues, at the client’s pace;

·         Be emotionally present, patient, and persistent;

·         Be kind, calm, empathetic, insightful, and really, REALLY listen.

·         Unfortunately, not all therapists are good and trustworthy.  Here are some “red flags” that cross the line into being inappropriate or abusive.  

A Therapist should not:

·         Be often excessively late, miss, or cancel appointments;

·         Be casual about the length of sessions. (Adults consistently 45 min to 1 hour, children 30-50min, EMDR 90 min.);

·         Meet with you outside of the office unless there is a clear medical necessity;

·         Answer non-emergency calls during sessions;

·         Eat, talk on the phone, or text during sessions;

·         Fall asleep;

·         Discuss other clients with you by name or with identifying details;

·         Discuss you with anyone other than a supervisor, or use your name publicly;

·         Fail to refer you elsewhere when the problems you are facing are beyond the scope of his/her expertise;

·         Talk excessively about his/her personal life;

·         Fail to keep track of what you have discussed and where you are in your healing process;

·         Fail to help you set and attain goals in a reasonable time frame;

A Therapist should NEVER:

·         Lock the doors or make your exit difficult;

·         See you at late or odd hours when no one is around;

·         Discourage a child’sparents from remaining on the premises; take the child off the office premises;

·         Tell you, “you are more special than other people/clients”;

·         Shop, eat out, or run personal errands with you;

·         Ask for personal favors;

·         Push you to disclose information before you are ready;

·         Touch you or your child in any way that makes you uncomfortable or violates halacha (Jewish Law);

·         Fail to respect the laws of yichud (seclusion), or exhibit un- tzniusdig (immodest) behavior;

·         Conduct “therapy” in a bedroom;

·         Yell, insult, become angry, or impatient;

·         Contact your relatives or friends without your permission;

·         Threaten to tellanyone and that you are troubled or a liar if you reveal what is taking place between you and the “therapist”;

·         Insist that your problem is a lack of emunah (faith);

·         Pressure you to remain in the “therapy”;

·         Ask for gifts or loans;

·         Encourage you or your child to stop, or start, taking medication without a full evaluation by a competent physician;

·         Insist that you or your child come multipletimes a week for many hours;

·         Charge above the maximum rate for someone with their degree of education and experience;

·         Pressure you to remain in, or return to, a situation in which you or your children are at risk of physical harm;

·         Use treatment techniques that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe without a clear therapeutic purpose backed by research.

If you are in therapy that feels uncomfortable, stop and seek consultation from a specialist. RELIEF 718-431-9501,and NEFESH 201-384-0084, can help you assess whether something is amiss in your treatment.  

Therapy can be wonderful and healing.  You owe it to yourself to seek the best possible provider, so be an educated consumer.  Ask questions, seek referrals, use reputable referral agencies, and above all, listen to your inner voice.

Ilana Rosen LCSW-R has been a practicing psychotherapist for over 15
years.  She specializes in the treatment of trauma, abuse, medical
issues, and bereavement.  Mrs. Rosen is certified in Internal Family
Systems and EMDR, and maintains a private practice in Monsey NY.