By Liz Wallenstein, LMHC
Loving an addict isn't easy.
Addicts tend to be self-absorbed, avoiding and manipulative. It is difficult for family members of addicts not to take the actions and attitudes of their addicted loved one personally. That the addict won't just stop his or her behaviors out of their love for their family, pains the family. Family members live in constant fear of what will happen to the addict. They live in perpetual frustration of not being able to get through to the addict no matter how hard they try. They keep hoping that the person they believe their addicted loved one to really be will come back, but have their hopes dashed with one failed attempt at sobriety after another. Yet significant others of addicts suffer in silence because of the emotional neglect of the addict, and because of the shame they feel and fear that no one can understand what they are going through.
"What can I do to make my loved one better?" family members of addicts ask me in their initial therapy session.
That's when I have to deal the devastating blow: "Nothing."
Addicts only get better when they themselves choose recovery, and actively continue to choose it every day, every moment. And it usually gets worse before it gets better. And it may never get better.
At this point my horrified client usually wants to know if that is the reality, what is the point of therapy for family members of addicts?
"Are you in recovery?" I ask, using the term commonly used in addiction to describe a person taking action daily to treat their problem.
"ME??? Why Me? My loved one is the one with the problem. I'm not the sick one!"
At that point I say, "Let me ask you... who do you feel is suffering more right now- you, or the addict?"
Addiction is a family disease. It affects everyone in the family. And although no one can change the addict, what family members do can either enable the addiction to continue, OR help facilitate its cessation and help the family recover.
Codependency is a term that was created by addiction professionals for a tendency they commonly observed in significant others of addicts. Codependency can be translated as: a pattern of trying to control others for their own good, which ends up being bad for oneself and the relationship. Many well-meaning family members out of their love for the person-in-need try to help the addict, only to find the problems get worse.
So how does a loving, caring family member effectively facilitate recovery for the addict, healing for themselves and healthy functioning for their family? By entering into a recovery of their own.
What does recovery for significant others of addicts entail?
1) Education- Despite their repetition of the behavior, most addicts don't want to be addicts. Addiction is not just a physical dependency that happens within the body, it's a disease of the mind. It is a compulsive disorder based in self-deceptive thinking. That's why addicts usually can't "just stop" even when they want to.
Since addiction is like another language from what people are used to, recovery is learning that language so you can properly engage it. Part of therapy for significant others is being educated about addiction and recovery.
2) Management of Codependency- Because their emotional involvement often makes it difficult to be objective, significant others of addicts often need help identifying what is within their control and what is not, and what to do about each. Family members often need help coping with the objectionable behaviors of the addict and their inability to stop it. They also often need help managing the uncertainty in their situation without their fears taking over their life or putting even more strain on their relationship with the addict.
3) Support- Since most people do not have the correct understanding of addiction, and addiction carries a stigma in many communities, significant others of addicts often suffer in silence. Having support, especially from someone who understands, can be especially valuable. Not only is it emotionally gratifying, but engaging with others who are also doing the work of recovery helps one stay on the path of recovery themselves. Finding a safe environment to be open and honest about the pains and fears one experiences living with addiction is also crucial to the mental health and healing of the significant other.
Where does recovery for family members happen?
There are lots of books and websites that can help educate people about addiction and codependency. A good book for understanding the addictive mind is "Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception" by Abraham J. Twerski. A good book to learn about codependency is " Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie.
Just as there are 12-step meetings for addicts to gain the tools of recovery and support in maintaining abstinence, there are 12-step meetings specifically for family members of addicts to gain the tools of recovery and support in maintenance of new behaviors (see below). These meetings are free, are in almost every city, and occur everyday at a variety of times.
However psychotherapy with an addictions counselor provides individualized attention and helps family members identify what is needed for recovery within their family in specific. A psychotherapist trained in addictions can help the family member identify which of their struggles could be a consequence of the addiction in their family or their own codependency and ways of handling it. An addictions psychotherapist can also help the person to explore dynamics within their family that could be contributing to the addiction, and help them come up with interventions that could be helpful in bringing about recovery. Addictions psychotherapy is an excellent resource for the information, tools and on-going support family members need to facilitate their own recovery as well as help them effectively engage in the recovery of the addict.
Liz Wallenstein is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. She offers general mental health/ life issues counseling and has a specialty in counseling addicts and family members of addicts. She has office hours in Flatbush, Brooklyn and has availability in Manhattan. She has a Masters in psychological counseling from Columbia University. She can be reached at 516-316-4923 or [email protected].
Family Recovery Resources:
Al-Anon (for family members of alcohol and drug addicts): www.al-anon.alateen.org, 888-425-2666
Gam-Anon (for family members of gambling addicts): www.gam-anon.org, 718-352-1671
S-Anon (for family members of sex addicts): www.s-anon.org, 800-210-8141
CoDa (for individuals struggling with codependency): www.coda.org, 888-444-2359