Life seemed easier when we were growing up and in a less fast paced world, children had a chance to play and be children. How then in the year 2014, with all that is going on around us, do you raise your children to be resilient? Resilience, the ability to roll with the punches, to experience life's challenges and not just bounce back but  thrive, is critical for all of us, individually and collectively as a community. This is especially so for children.

As parents, you can't protect your children from all that you might like, but you can help prepare them to deal with the challenges of childhood and adolescence and enable them to become competent, confident and caring young adults. As parents, you serve as valuable role model for your children and give them the tools needed to help face challenges and turn them into opportunities for growth and learning. How you cope with daily life and its many stresses, both good and bad, greatly influences how your children see and manage their world.  You may not have much control over the many challenges that come your way but you certainly can exercise some control in how you choose to see and ultimately deal with them. A positive attitude can be learned and can even enable you to discover strengths that you didn't know you had. The more resilient you are, the happier, healthier and more successful you'll be as an individual and in your interpersonal relationships.Resilient people are more satisfied, live longer and lead more productive lives.  

With this in mind, here are a few thoughts about helping to build resilience in your child.

1. Children need to feel your love and security in order to explore their world and feel safe. From an early age, they need to know that you'll meet their needs, that you honestly care about them and that you'll comfort and support them with unconditional love and affection.

2. Children need to know that you are there for them and fully present. This means reducing and eliminating outside distractions. Stop whatever you are doing, put away your "I- stuff" and look your child happily in the "eye".  Good eye contact is essential to developing social skills in children, yet how often do you see a parent with their face buried in their devices?  Quality and quantity time build a strong relationship between you and your child.

3. Listen to and believe in your child. Help your child identify and express his emotions. Find out what he actually thinks and feels and validate his feelings. Your empathic attunement to his needs teaches him how to better understand others and increases resilience. Children need to feel heard, understood, and accepted for who they are.  Mutual trust is crucial to your relationship.

4. Encourage an atmosphere of open communication and honesty where conflict can be expressed and there's a safe forum for discussion and resolution of issues. Through taking responsibility for your own behavior, and acknowledging your own mistakes, you can help your child become more assertive and learn that limit setting and consistency are important. Criticism done with love, and discipline (not punishment) can teach a child that their behavior has consequences.

5. Laugh and have fun with your child. Help your child learn to express his feelings, see humor in the moment, and more fully appreciate the small things in life. Watch a toddler, unaware of time, looking at a leaf and you too can be amazed by the beauty around you that is so easy to miss. Teach your children to show gratitude and appreciation for what they have.

6. Find ways to make family time enjoyable, relaxing and meaningful. Eat, pray, play, exercise and sing together. Read aloud, tell stories and share family photos. Family meals, from preparation to clean up, offer the opportunity to check in with each other.

7. Teach your children how to slow down, develop self-calming strategies, and reduce stress through breathing and relaxation.  Children need time to play. Reduce over-scheduling and increase independent creative play and reading, and see the difference it makes on them and on you.

8. Help your child focus on her strengths and abilities. Empower her by showing that you have trust and confidence in her decisions, and praise both trying, as well as succeeding, with tasks. Encourage patience and understanding and help her let go of the drive for perfection and instead see mistakes as part of learning.

9. Work on being the best person you can be and encourage this for your children. Show your children how their behavior affects others. Create family opportunities which encourage sharing, volunteering and kindness to others. Teach them about modern day heroes.

10. Model a healthy lifestyle.  Eat well, keep fit and promote healthy sleep. Provide routine, structure and consistency while being open, flexible and positive. Be hopeful and optimistic and be a friend to others

who are going through a difficult time. Teach your child to see the good in any situation and to move forward in spite of challenges. Through strength and resilience we can all take a difficult situation and not just weather the storm but help drive the boat.

Dr. Batya L. Ludman is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra'anana, and author of the book, Life's Journey: Exploring Relationships-- Resolving Conflicts.  She has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. Send correspondence to [email protected] or visit her website at www.drbatyaludman.com