By Mark Staum
The life of a typical adolescent is often filled with difficulties and complexities. Adolescents often have to deal with peer pressure, academic stress and family difficulties. Friendships and relationships often serve as outlets for adolescents during times of difficulty and turmoil. Their relationships also affect their feelings of identity and self worth. This article will discuss the ways that adolescents often deal with terminated relationships; understanding the underlying dynamics of these experiences is important for determining the normalcy of their reactions and emotions when relationships are terminated.
During adolescence, the primacy of peer relationships relates to the formation of identity. As Erik Erikson suggests, the formation of identity is the designated task of the period of adolescence. The ability to form connections strengthens individual identity and prevents a person from feeling isolated. Therefore, the termination of a strong friendship or relationship could potentially produce a ”grief related reaction.” Similar to the stages of grief and loss suggested by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a teenager will often move through stages of anger, sadness, helplessness, bargaining, and acceptance when dealing with a terminated relationship. The loss of a critical friendship and relationship is at times seen as related to the loss of a person’s own individual identity.
This may explain the level of reactions experienced by teenagers. At times, teenagers will put up a mask or a shield around their feelings. This shield can manifest as withdrawal or as intense anger. The specific reaction may be based on the relationship and the specific coping abilities of those involved. Withdrawal may be rooted in anger or sadness, but it does not necessarily imply that the teenager is heading on the road toward a depressive episode. It is important, however, to help the teenager understand the thoughts and feelings associated with each reaction. Some common negative thoughts may relate to feelings of vulnerability and distrust from the breakup of a strong relationship. Teenagers may question their ability to trust or love, and may try to bargain with themselves that they wish that things could be different. It is not uncommon for a teenager to feel that ”things will never be the same.”
Beyond Erikson’s theory of identity, additional ”Theories of Energy” suggest that part of our energy, or our ego development, relates to our feeling connected to other people. These theories maintain that a person relies on the energy of other people to enhance their own identity and self. A lack of feeling connected (or feeling the energy from other people) may create symptoms of withdrawal, isolation, anger and sadness.
It is important to help teenagers recognize the inherent dynamics of a terminated relationship, before symptoms become exacerbated. In order to promote healing and growth, I would like to suggest some helpful tips when speaking to teenagers who are experiencing changes and volatility in their relationships:
1) It is important to help them understand their reactions and feelings. As mentioned, the severity and intensity of reactions may be ”more normal” for this time period in their life. Helping them to understand this may be a beginning step toward growth and healing.
2) Helping teenagers identity healthy coping skills can help them counteract feelings of isolation and hopelessness. Promoting connection over withdrawal will allow individuals to maintain their energy levels as they navigate through difficult times.
3) Feelings of vulnerability and distrust can often be channeled to new experiences and new relationships. Although this may be difficult for them, helping teenagers learn from the past can promote feelings of hope and optimism, allowing them to form new friendships and relationships.
Noticing changes of behavior can often be the first step in engaging your teenagers in meaningful discussions about social changes and difficulties. Parents should never hesitate to seek outside guidance and counsel when looking to help their children navigate difficult social waters of the teen years.
Mark Staum, LCSW, is a social worker at The Frisch School in Paramus, NJ. He works with teenagers and parents on issues related to adolescence. Mark is a former therapist at The Center for Applied Psychology in Monsey, NY, and presently maintains a private practice in Monsey, NY and Teaneck, NJ. Mark has trained at The Ackerman Institute for The Family and has additional training in child and family therapy. To learn more about Mark, please visit his website, www.markstaum.com. For any questions or comments on this article, please contact Mark at [email protected]