Chana Mark, L.C.S.W. Somehow, we are failing in our roles as parents. How? What went wrong? The children are unmannered and undisciplined. They are unhappy and discontent despite our endless efforts to please them. The happier we try to make them, the more rude and demanding they become. They are miserable and we are miserable. We are the adults; it is up to us to fix it. Many believe that it is the role of a parent to make his child happy. Let us examine this idea. The word happy comes from an older English word hap which means luck or good fortune. The origin of this word is an indicator that the notion of happiness (based on this definition) may not be a Torah concept. We certainly would like to see our children accomplished and feel fulfilled. We would like to see them get on well with people. We would certainly like them to feel confident and comfortable with themselves. How shall we help them achieve these goals? What we are really asking is, “What is my role as a parent?” This question is not a simple one. During the era of World War II and its aftermath the role of the parents was clear- family survival. Do everything possible to put bread on the table, get Torah education for the kids and try to keep the family together. Today, baruch Hashem most of us are not fighting for survival; our nisayon is in a way more difficult due to our many choices. The Role of the Parent The role of a parent is to take responsibility for building our child’s character. Because we were blessed with a Torah to guide us, we have it easier than others. We do not have to struggle with what to impart. Our struggle revolves around how to impart it. The first step for us is to remember that we are the adults. The judgment and authority belong to us, not to the children. Many adults find parental authority too – well – authoritative. Democracy is a good model for government, but it is not a good model for parenting. Our hesitation about our parental authority is not helpful to our children, who need to feel relaxed in trusting that we will set boundaries and provide them with guidance they can rely on. Authority does not mean harshness. It means that we are confident in ourselves and in the value of what we are conveying. It also means that we accept the fact that we are the adults and that they are the children. When we are confident in our authority we are then free to be the parents we want to be: be gentle in our rebuke, generous in our understanding, firm without resorting to harshness. Children do not take well to having their behavior curtailed or corrected. No one does. They will protest and complain. We do not have to deny his feelings. He may be feeling wronged or slighted. However a child’s feelings are not always an indicator that his perception of reality is correct . If a child has a complaint that persists over time, this is an indication that something may really be wrong. We must explore the situation, reflect upon it and correct it without surrendering our dignity. Children are not yet emotionally or intellectually developed enough to see reality clearly. Of course we should consult with others in order to inform our judgment: our spouse, a wise friend and our Rav. In the end though, our judgment must prevail over the judgment of children. This is not rigid or mean. It is being the adult. We do not need our children to constantly like us. There may be times when they don’t. Sometimes it takes time before a child comes to understand the wisdom of our judgment. Of course this makes us sad, but that does not mean that we are wrong. It may happen that a child comes home from school feeling that he has been wronged by his teacher. Children who feel wronged by adults express themselves in a very intense way. These strong feelings in our children may cause us to get angry at the person who wronged our own flesh and blood. When we behave like angry children ourselves and lose our adult judgment we do our child no favors. Here too, we do not have to deny our child’s feelings. We must let him know that, before we can come to a judgment, we must first talk to the teacher. The child may not like this. He may even feel angry or betrayed, and ask, “Don’t you trust me?” It is better to remain separate and calm. We really will not know what happened until we speak to the teacher, the other adult. A Word about Chutzpah What exactly is chutzpah/ disrespect? It is a challenge or attack on our parental authority, usually delivered in an angry or hurtful way. It makes us feel enraged and humiliated. Enraged and humiliated people are not capable of careful and considered thought, no matter how adult they are. Therefore: If we strike back in a hurtful or self-righteous (read self-preserving) rage we are certain to fail. And we will probably make things worse. What to do? First and foremost, we must take care of ourselves in a way that preserves our dignity. We may tell the child something like, “What you just said was out of line and very hurtful. Right now I want to be alone for a while. We’ll talk later.” Of course, this is easier said than done, especially in that terrible moment of pain and rage. We need to prepare ourselves for the possibility of that moment. (Who said this was going to be easy?) By separating and preserving our dignity, we create enough space for the child to realize that he went too far. And when we respect ourselves, we earn the respect of our children. Next, we should wait for the right moment to revisit the subject. It doesn’t matter who initiates the next conversation, as long as two conditions are met. 1) Both sides have had enough time to cool off. This may take a while. 2) “Who starts the conversation” should not become a power struggle. If we will give this matter thought and reflection, we will realize just how pervasive it is. Truly dealing effectively with the problem means looking at the specifics of each situation, which is beyond the scope of this article. But in general, cultivating a better understanding of our roles and boundaries will help us to deal more effectively with our children. Chana Mark is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Suffern, N.Y. If you have questions or comments about this article or about matters of psychological concern you can e-mail her at [email protected]