Menchlichkeit,Good Middos,Patience and Wisdom
These are the accolades I heard over and over again by stepchildren and stepparents describing the attributes of a good stepparent.
There were those who became stepchildren due to the death of a parent. There were those whose divorced parents married a single person. Other parents had both been divorced. Some came with children of their own and blended their families together. But, whether from the perspective of the child or of the stepparent, the ingredients for a successful stepfamily experience were basically the same.
Sima's* parents divorced when she was quite young .Several years later, her father married a divorced woman with children. In the meantime, Sima had become frum. Her father resented this and the relationship between Sima and her father became strained and she was forced to spend time with him. Sima's stepmother said to Sima's father, "I will not marry a man who has no relationship to his children." She'd talk to his children and became a buffer between them and his anger. Sima was the only girl in the blended family and the stepmother told Sima that she was the daughter that she had never had This woman made it possible for Sima to have a dad. Nothing Simacould do could be wrong. Sima's mother and stepmother got along very well - there was no jealousy. The stepmother never tried to takeSima's mother's place. She never pushed herself on them. When Sima called her stepmother 'mom', her stepmother said, "I'm not your mom but I'd like to try to be like your mom. She's a wonderful woman."
Rina showed tremendous wisdom. She was single and she married a widower with a large family. The children were quite young at the time of the remarriage. I asked Rina what made her such an exceptional stepmother. Her advice was, "love them as your own children." Don't erase the memory of the deceased parent, even if some of the children are too young to remember her. Rina keeps photo albums readily accessible and both she and her husband tell storiesof the children's deceased mother. She constantly reassures them that it is not disloyal to love two mothers. Rina advised that the stepfamilies go into therapy immediately, even before the marriage, to deal with feelings and adjustments to the new situation. Above all, never poison a child's mind. She says that teenagers are the most difficult, even if you have raised them for most of their lives. She works to maintain the message that they are teenagers and that she has full faith in the fact that they are good people. She doesn't personalize their comments. Most special of all, she regularly invites her husband's former in-laws to spend Shabbos with them and to always feel their status as esteemed grandparents.
Malka was married when her mother passed away. Her father subsequently married a widow with children. Malka and her family called her 'savta' because her stepmother's children called her 'bubby.' Malka loves her stepmother as well as her husband's stepmother .Even though Malka's father-in-law passed away, her husband's stepmother remains an integral part of the family.
Malka said that the things she values from both stepmothers is their warmth and friendly interest. Neither has even stepped over the boundaries and the children and the stepparents all exhibit good middos and are motivated to be nice to each other.
Zahava married a divorced man with children. Then, she and her husband had a child of their own. All of the siblings got along very well. However, Sholom's first wife and her parents tried to turn the children against their father and his new wife. An important maxim for stepparenting is that "you cannot hate your 'ex' more than you love your children." The stepchildren, who are now grown and who live near the stepfather, have a difficult time allowing themselves to develop a relationship with the stepmother because they would feel they are betraying their natural mother, even though she is remarried with a child. Because the children did not grow up with their father, they resent having to share him with Zahava.
Stepparents need to learn not to let the things that stepchildren do bother them too much. Often these are things that they would excuse if their own children did them. Have compassion for what your stepchildren have had to go through and the scars which they bear or hide. As hard as it is, try to be the adult and don't be retaliatory.
So what are some of the important principles of stepparenting?
1-Be loving, giving, and accepting
2-Show care by being concerned, asking questions, and wanting to know about your stepchildren, while not moving in too close or too fast - learn the cues - don't be intrusive
3-If there are grandchildren,show aninterest in them
4-Remember, you are not the parent
5-Get counseling as a family from the beginning
6-Decide on what the stepparent should be called
7-Be empathic to the stepparent who is trying to find a role with his/her stepchildren
8-Don't allow your children to be rude to your spouse
9-Allow for mourning over the loss of the original family unit
10-Make your new spouse come first. Communicate and support each other in your dealings with the children.
11-Ambivalence and negative feelings are a reality of living in a stepfamily
12-Don't try to be the perfect stepparent. Your resentment will show through.
Wonderful Comments I Have Heard About Stepparents and From Stepparents
1-He's warm. I admire and respect him. He gives brochos and is very supportive. He is an excellent role model.
2-He treated us well. He treated me like I had a brain in my head. He encouraged me.
3-He considered my daughter as if she were his daughter. He paid school tuition, went to school events, bought her clothing, worked on the computer with her and included her in our vacations.
4-I taught my stepson how to talk on a date. As a stepparent, you need wisdom as to how to use your middos. You need compassion for your stepchild and what they went through. Soften your attitude toward their misbehavior. Respect the children. Be patient. Use goodwill to make the relationship work. Don't let your emotions rule over you brains.
I would like to share two inspiring stories.
One concerned a widower who married a divorcee with children. Then, the couple had children of their own. The ex-husband had no money and not much interest in the children. The stepfather never went after hem for child support. When the ex-husband died, there was no money for the burial.So the new husband paid for and conducted the funeral of the ex-husband and since there was no one to say Kaddish,the stepfather says Kaddish every year.
In the second story, a married woman spoke about the man who married her mother, who had been widowed for many years. The deceased had an extremely elderly parent and the new husband cooked for the wife's former mother-in-law until her death. As the stepdaughter said: "He didn't raise me, but I respect him for what he did and it makes me happy to see that he makes my mother happy,"
Stepparenting - The Challenge and the Opportunity
The Opportunity for the Continuity of Life, Love, Devotion, Growth, and Happiness
*Names have all been changed and stories altered to protect confidentiality
Tina Kahn is a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist. With over 25 years of experience, she specializes in marital and communication issues,self-esteem, depression and anxiety. She also uses hypnotherapy for pain management and early childhood issues.
Tina Kahn is a member of Nefesh and of the New York Society for Ericksonian Psychotherapy and Hypnosis.She is a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marital and Family Therapists.
Tina Kahn is in private practice in the Midwood section of Brooklyn. She can be reached at tinakahntherapist @gmail.com or at 718-253-3973.