Parent: Avi, please do your homework.

Avi: I don’t want to! It’s so dumb!

Parent: Avi, how many times do I have to ask you to do your homework?! You’re gonna fail the fifth grade if you don’t get started! And don’t talk like that – it’s not nice!

Avi: I hate school and I hate this house! (Avi pushes his books across the table)

Parent: (Pulse racing) That’s it, go to your room! You are grounded for the next month!

(Avi goes to his room and parent leaves the house to let off some steam. Once the parent has calmed down an hour later, the parent begins to wonder how he/she got so caught up in the heat of the moment and lost him/herself, throwing out a punishment that was too big for the crime.)

Sound familiar? What happened to that warm, nurturing relationship we were meant to develop with our children? Remember that? The one that helps build their self-esteem and self-confidence? Somehow, the feelings of frustration and anger that build up inside of us when our children don’t listen, cause us to lose our patience and threaten to punish. When we feel unheard, dismissed and disrespected by our children, our good intentions to create that positive relationship gets thrown out the window, and whether it’s homework time, bedtime or cleanup time, we end up feeling like the villain.

Understanding the Mind of the Child

Much like the physical development of a child, the cognitive process, better known as the child’s ability to think, process and make decisions, develops over time. Lawrence Kohlberg, in exploring a child’s capacity for moral reasoning, noted how a child moves from a very simplistic way of thinking, to a more complex one as they approach adulthood. This might explain why the terrible 2’s are hallmarked by frequent tantrums (ever been able to get a 2-year-old to understand why they can’t have another cookie?). Children at this age have little capacity to reason, to understand the parent’s perspective, and appreciate an answer that might be different than their own. In fact, children at the age of 5, 7, 11 and even 15 (surprise, even teenagers!), are still developing this moral compass. This limited capacity to reason, or better described as black and white thinking, causes children to react and respond negatively when things are not to their liking.

Understanding the Parent-Child Dynamic

With the child’s mind still developing, a child can view his parent’s directive in black and white terms. When this happens, a child’s capacity to reason and negotiate the parent’s instruction is limited, and he has little more to offer than his instinctive opinions on the matter, which often sounds threatening. (“I don’t want to [do my homework! It’s so dumb!) Baffled by the child’s chutzpah and total disregard to his instruction, the parent enters the power struggle in full gear, counteracting the threat with magnanimous punishments.

We would like to set limits for our children, who are reactive black and white thinkers. How can we approach our children with composure and dignity? What can we do to minimize the power struggle?

Here are some techniques to try:

·         When a child misbehaves, our tendency is to jump right in there and react. Sometimes this

is called for (when Yanky is physically attacking Shlomo) and sometimes, it is better to wait it out and approach the child at a quiet moment. When doing so, empower the child to solve the problem on their own. For example, let’s say you come home and find that Sarah, who is old enough to clean up after herself, raided the kitchen and made a huge mess – right after the cleaning lady left of course. Your gut wants to yell: “Sarah, what is this mess?! How come you can’t clean up after yourself?!” Instead, consider calling her over at a quiet moment and say: “I want you to continue to be able to help yourself to snacks after school. When I came home I found a big mess. What could we do differently next time?”

·         When possible, give choices. This allows you to set reasonable limits and time frames, while

allowing the child to feel in control. Instead of: “Clean up your room and the playroom right now!”, try: “I see that there is a mess in your room and the playroom and I would like both of them to be cleaned before we go to Bubby’s house later today. Which one would you like to clean now and which one would you like to clean after lunch?”

·         Language is more than semantics. Try using and in your directive instead of but. “You

played so nicely with your Lego today, but you forgot to clean up” negates the child’s positive play. Instead, replace with: “You played so nicely with your Lego today AND you also forgot to clean up.”

·         When possible, ditch the lecture. When we yell: “How could you… Don’t you know… If you do

this you know what’s going to happen? And then after that… Because in our family….”, all kids hear is “blah, blah, blah.” Wait until you have calmed down and are no longer in reactive mode (yes, parents need time outs too!). Then reach for a short sentence or two, which will more likely be heard and received.

·         Instead of you telling them what you don’t like about their behavior (yes, 5-year-old

Malky knows that you don’t like it when she takes the bottle away from her baby sister), ask them to evaluate their actions. “Is what’s going on in the next room with the bottle something Mommy would be happy about?” After Malky evaluates her own actions, you can then calmly ask her to please return the bottle to the baby.

·         Comment on what you see (think news reporter) instead of throwing out a rhetorical

comment. Instead of: “How many times do I have to tell you to get into the shower?!” try: “It is 9 p.m. and I am noticing that you haven’t taken a shower yet.”

·         Set yourself up for technical success. If Yoni is in the middle of a 5-minute video game, don’t

ask him to stop in the middle to come to the dinner table. This is a fight just waiting to erupt! Instead, tell Yoni that when he is finished with that game, it will be time to come to the dinner table.

·         Never underestimate the power of a calm voice. We are often confronted with situations with

our children where we are unsure how to respond. When this happens, keep your voice down. This will allow you to stay in control and ground yourself as you process what step to take next.

·         Place yourself in your child’s shoes. Have you ever felt uninterested or not in the mood of doing

something? While we certainly shouldn’t regularly allow our children to not clean up, do their homework, shower, etc., what might happen if we fargin them once in a while? Perhaps approaching our children with compassion and understanding will allow us to build that loving, nurturing relationship we have always hoped for.

Mindy Hajdu, MS, LCSW received her MA in Secondary Education from Azrieli Graduate School, her MSW from Wurzweiler School of Social Work and has completed a year of training in family therapy at the Ackerman Institute for the Family. For close to 9 years, Mindy served as clinician and supervisor at OHEL’s Preventive Care Program, where she provided therapy and supervision in areas of family therapy and crisis management. Presently, Mindy serves as an adjunct professor at Touro College, works as a therapist at Pride of Judea mental health clinic and maintains a small private practice, specializing in families and children. Mindy is available for consultation and supervision. She can be reached by emailing: [email protected].