By Moishe Herskowitz, M.S., LCSW Disillusionment is a common factor for most married couples. Soon after the wedding, people often come to the conclusion that the person they married is not the same person they thought they were while they were dating. The unconscious mind will always mistake our partners by comparing them to our parents. By understanding this, we can get beneath the surface and heal childhood wounds. What is this Disillusionment? Psycho- Pharmacologist have learned that couples ‘in love’ have high levels of natural hormones flowing through their systems, with high levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin within the brain. These chemicals in the brain will produce a natural positive reaction, so if something upsetting happens to one spouse in the relationship, it will cause that spouse to respond with positive and corrective feedback. When I was an academic advisor at Touro College, an interesting case was brought to my attention. A student walked into my office very upset because after six months of marriage, his brother was getting divorced. When I questioned him as to why, he responded that his sister-in law had lied. She had not told this student’s brother that she was bi-polar. To make matters worse, she claims that when she was dating this student’s brother, she no longer showed signs of depression, and as a result, she felt she no longer needed medications, and subsequently stopped taking them. How can that be possible? I then asked the student “how did your brother find out that she “was bi-polar”? He responded that after sheva brachos, she told his brother that before they had dated, she was diagnosed as bi-polar, but once their relationship began, she no longer suffered from any symptoms. When the chosson’s family heard about her diagnosis, and concealment, they were outraged. They wondered how it could be possible that symptoms of this type of manic depression can be gone without medication! I responded that it is my belief that this is definitely possible for this depression to be suspended in a buffer state, for a very long time. When the couple was dating she was in love, and for all intensive purposes she still is. Because of the influx of hormones, the levels of serotonin in her brain rose, and compensated for the missing neurotransmitters- leaving her in a symptom-free state without the need for chemical altering medications. She did not mean to lie, she honestly felt that her bi-polar was gone, and for her it must have felt like a true miracle. It is important to understand that for some people this anesthesia or “smoke screen” may wear off right after sheva brachos, and for other couples it can last, far beyond Shana Reshona (the first year of marriage). New research using brain scans with various couples in different stages of their marriage, shows that these chemicals produced in the brain during the beginning of the relationship do not completely leave the brain over time, but rather are stored in the brain; in a temporary state of what neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel calls implicit memory. Interestingly, these chemicals in the brain can be retrieved, revitalized, and can be re -programmed to be utilized upon request. The beginning story has a happy ending. The student who confided in me was able to convince his brother to come in to see me, and with some coaching, explanations, and acceptance, B”H he was able to avoid divorce. As a general note, I have shifted my view on premarital counseling. I still believe that it would be beneficial for a couple to attend sessions prior to their wedding in order to learn about marriage, and how to live with another person. In fact, I feel it should be mandatory for any individual or couple that is entering a second marriage, or is marring someone who is divorced, to come in before they were married. Now, I also assert that most other couples can best be also served by counseling after Sheva Brachos. I feel that counseling can help at the point where many marriages may take a turn for the worse, and eventually lead to divorce, after the Honeymoon phase ends and the anesthesia starts to fade. Moshe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples. As a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist, he developed this seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. Moishe Herskowitz is a Graduate School Professor at the Touro College Mental Health Program. To discuss topics from an article, or ask questions, he can be contacted at [email protected] or 718-435-7388. If you would like to read Moishe Herskowitz’s archived articles, log onto www.jewishpress.com and, in the search box on the page, type in Moishe Herskowitz.