My initial intention in writing this article was to explore various aspects of the “shidduch crisis” but
as I wrote I found my thoughts turning to a larger problem that needs to be addressed. A problem
that contributes to the “shidduch crisis” and causes so many other problems in our community. The
“shidduch crisis” is a nisoyon and we need to be careful about the propositions we make about it. The
only proposition that is absolute about the “shidduch crisis”, like all nisyonos, is that it comes from
Hashem and its fundamental purpose is to challenge us to become better people and closer to Hashem.
I do not address my remarks to people who are not married. The profound loneliness and pain felt by so
many is very real and it would be wrong for me to make a blanket statement about anyone’s suffering.
Instead, I would like to address young adults and parents of children who are at the beginning stages
of the shidduch process. My hope is to shed light on what I see as a serious problem in our community
today.

As the title of my article suggests, I am talking about people’s lack of self-knowledge. I am not
talking about a cheshbon hanefesh regarding mitzvohs and aveiros; I am talking about being aware
of who you are and how you operate as a person. Self-awareness is the key to living a healthy, well-
adjusted life. It is imperative in good decision making, and in the prevention of ga’aveh (haughtiness or
being egotistical) as well as anxiety and depression. Self-awareness is certainly not easy, yet it gives us
meaning in life. If you are not tapped into what your strengths and weaknesses are and how to use that
knowledge to face challenges, you will not mature.

We live in a product-driven society with many responsibilities and we are pulled in different
directions. But there is a big difference between merely fulfilling your responsibilities and actually
owning your life. If accomplishing your responsibilities is all you do in life then in effect you assume
the role of a human robot. To be human is to be the owner of your life; to lead a life full of meaning.
Leading a life full of meaning is to live with these questions in the back of your mind: What do I want
to make of my life? What characteristics do I have that can be used as assets and what are potential
pitfalls? What makes me happy, sad and anxious? When do I challenge myself to make changes and
when do I accept my lot in life? What are messages from Hashem and what are not? What are my
morals and am I living up to them and why or why not? What are my dreams, capabilities, hobbies,
fears and sentiments? These questions are a tiny sample of what helps us navigate through life as
ba’al habus of our lives. Ask an average person how they are feeling and too often the response is
either “good” or “not good”. Better yet, many people answer “Boruch Hashem. “Good” and “not
good” are not feelings and we say “Boruch Hashem” when things are going well and not so well. We
need to become accustomed to being aware of how we feel and think about things instead of living
impulsively and robotically.

Sadly, and more importantly, some people’s relationship with Torah and Hashem is just two-
dimensional; they learn Torah academically and follow its Mitzvohs behaviorally but it has little impact
on them personally. This causes a tremendous disconnect between people and the infinite richness of
Torah. Even worse, while many people may know that the Torah says this is mutar and that is assur,
they understand very little of how to engage their yetzer horah in the right way; they don’t know what their yetzer horah is. In his sefer, Da Es Atsmecha, Rav Itamar Schwartz (author of the series of seforim
called Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh) posits that the first step to knowing Hashem is to know who you are. It is
only through knowing who you are and how you work personally that you can know Hashem and follow
his Torah in the way Hashem intended.

It seems as though society has replaced self-knowledge with something that many people
call mesorah but is really more aptly defined as “just doing what’s done.” Boruch Hashem we live in
a time where Torah observance is flourishing. Modern technology (with all it’s nisyonos) enables a
phenomenal amount of Torah learning. The kosher food industry has exploded and keeps us struggling
with obesity instead of abject hunger. Affluence fuels our kollelim, kiruv organizations are bringing
a plethora of people into the fold and the accepting progressive Western culture helps make all this
possible. It is quite easy for people to observe yiddishkeit and feel happy. But there is an undercurrent
of monotony and emptiness that has swept across our community. Our comfort has caused us to
lead overly scripted lives. Too many people live on cruise control and allow the flow of “what’s done”
to drive them through without actively involving themselves in the process. Too many people have
“checked-out” of life. Who needs to think when you can ask your neighbor or hear about the latest
trend of “what’s done”? We have replaced our self-knowledge and subsequent self-growth with a
corrupt vision of what mesorah is.

I think it is fair to say that too much of what goes on in shidduchim is rooted in the “what’s
done” in place of deciding based on “knowing yourself”.

A 20-year-old young man shared the following vignette. While he was contemplating leaving
yeshiva to pursue his career, his rebbi said, “If you leave yeshivah you will be considered a ‘working
boy’ and that will change the type of girls who will be willing to go out with you. You don’t want to
marry girls who are looking for a ‘working boy’ because they are different than you (i.e. less frum). Even
though I understand why you want to pursue your career, you really should stay in Yeshiva so people
will think you are a ‘learning boy’ type and you can get married to a good (i.e. more frum) girl.” I don’t
blame the student for being thoroughly confused. He is a serious and committed guy who happens to
have a valid reason to leave yeshiva (including his level and seriousness about learning), and now has to
sacrifice what his needs are in order to comply with our society’s notion of “what’s done.” I have the
deepest respect for Torah learning and for the talmidei chachomim who fill our yeshivahs and kollelim. I
am encouraging of beis medrash bochurim and yungeleit to be sitting in learning, but only if it is the right
thing for them. Are our ways of approaching shidduchim enough of a reason that a person should push
off his schooling? What happened to the partnership between hishtadlus and bitachon? And of course
a couple needs to be compatible vis-a-vie frumkeit; but when we are making life decisions based on an
expectation of “what’s done” there is something fundamentally wrong.

Too many boys and girls are floating around Eretz Yisroel “learning” because they are following
this scripted way of life. They have never been allowed to ask themselves if they want to be learning
in yeshiva or know how to undertake the commitment of learning for a full year or two. Shidduchim
plays a significant role in their decision to be there. The sheer volume of shidduch protocols falls under
the rubric of what I am talking about. I believe there needs to be structure in shidduchim, but when

two young adults are thrown into a date and they have to deal with all the “halachos” of what to say,
when to say it, where to go, how to act and then also figure out the right thing to say to the shadchan, it
leaves little chance for the couple to actually develop a relationship; and yes, developing a relationship
is the goal of shidduch dating. Too many young adults don’t know what they want in Shidduchim, know
less about what a relationship is but know a tremendous amount about “what’s done”. This narrow
mentality continues to seep its way into marriage. Therapists continuously confront the issue of a
young man or woman who is willing to get divorced without having an inkling of what they want or need
in their relationship. Their expectations often leave them ill prepared to do the work necessary for a
healthy marriage. We have scripted something that cannot be scripted- relationships. As a result, the
shidduch system is failing too many.

My article has covered two different topics that I have shown to be inextricably
connected. It is not within the scope of this article, nor is it my intention, to solve the entire “shidduch
crisis” or to alleviate the lack of self-knowledge. I only want to raise these issue together because of
how they are connected. As a society, we need to shift away from the scripted nature of our world and
focus more on our own lives as opposed to the externalities. While teaching our children that sinas
chinam destroyed the Beis Hamikdash and being nice to one another is important, we need to be
teaching our children about developing meaningful relationships, just as we need to be working towards
that in our lives. John Gottman, one of the most well respected marital therapists, says that the best
indicator of how a marriage will end up is how deep a couple is connected to each other. Let’s stop
focusing on teaching people how to act nicely and instead focus on how to build meaningful and loving
relationships. V’ahavta l’reyacha k’mocha -- if you can’t love yourself you can’t love someone else. So, if
you want to prepare your children for shidduchim, encourage them over the course of their lives to
learn about themselves. Do it yourself for your life. Learn and teach your children to develop and
express themselves emotionally and creatively. Learn to develop and continue to build a relationship
with yourself and create a home that is open to discussions about likes and dislikes, dreams, ideals and
reality. Be open to discussing your struggles with life and Torah with your friends and your children.
Learn the chalakim of Torah that deal with personal development like sifrei mussar, chassidus and
machshava. And daven to Hashem for guidance because this is how we realistically build a relationship
with Torah and Hashem.

May Hashem guide all of us to the relationships we need in life; whether it’s a spouse, a
child, a parent or a friend. More importantly, may Hashem reveal to us the path towards developing
relationships with ourselves. Most importantly, may Hashem bring us back to Him and fix our
relationship with Him for good with the coming of the true Geulah b’miheira b’yameinu.

Yitzi Horowitz, LCSW, CSAT-C is a therapist who works with people ages 10-100 and across the
spectrum of frumkeit. He specializes in marital counseling, intimacy issues, addictions, issues
surrounding homosexuality and depression. He can be reached by calling 347-809-0991 or emailing
[email protected]. You can view his profile at http://frumtherapist.com/YitziHorowitz.