Marriage is the biggest opportunity we have to achieve ultimate human connectedness and joy. However, it requires patience, perseverance and giving of our time and emotional resources. It’s surprising to think how our expectations of marriage are so different than how we approach other life goals such as career, schooling, or even dieting. Unlike other areas of life where we are prepared to work hard for our goals, in marriage we expect the marriage to work for us. We expect our partner to demonstrate unconditional love, and perfect emotional attunement, as if these are natural assets acquired by merely standing under the chupa.
If we are not magically initiated into being a fabulous wife or husband then what should we work on and how? A series of small adjustments to improve communication and express care for each other can go a long way:
1) Expect and anticipate there to be “some assembly required” even with the most exquisitely attuned and passionately chosen partner. Just like you don’t expect a treadmill to come to your door in a box, fully assembled, don’t expect your marriage to come fully worked out and ready for use. Young couples are often surprised and even discouraged by the idea that their marriage will need some work, as if there is something wrong with the couple if they need help. It is because the marriage is worth working on, and because both partners are interested in a deep meaningful bond, that they will want to spend precious hours making their communication and partnership better.
2) Your partner should come first. There is an easy and effective way to test whether you have come to treat your partner as less than…rather than more than… everyone else in your life. Simply imagine repeating your dialogue with your partner, or using the same tone of voice with your boss. If you are cringing at the thought, certain you would have gotten fired, than it is safe to assume that you should not be speaking that way to your spouse either. It’s a misconception that just because they are married to you they deserve less respect and consideration than everyone else in your life- in fact the contrary is true.
3) Be grateful and gracious every time your partner does something nice for you. It will make it worth their while and communicate to them that you do not feel entitled, but rather appreciate their acts of giving.
4) The only way you can create change in your marriage is by changing yourself and not your partner. Even if you feel your partner’s demands or perceptions of you are wrong, there is always room for you to take responsibility for yourself and accept their view as at least partially accurate. For example: your partner experiences you as controlling, and you are convinced you are not anything of that sort. Nevertheless, look for something in your own behavior that may be construed as controlling and change your behavior, rather than try to convince your partner that she is wrong.
5) Ask your partner clarifying questions like what they mean when they say….X-Y-Z even when you are sure you know the answer. You will be surprised how many assumptions you make about your partner daily, and how much they can still surprise you even after many years of marriage.
6) Try to always respond with “yes” to any of their requests even if you can’t do it right away. If you create a culture in the marriage and in the home of reciprocal “yes-ing” it will change the home atmosphere. “Honey can you pick up dry cleaning for me?” Your day is full and you know you can’t possibly do it. First answer in the positive: “Yes, sure!” Then nicely add a modifier – “Would you mind if I do it tomorrow?”
7) The things that attracted you to your partner at first, are the same ones that make you crazy now. That is normal. Try to have an appreciation for those qualities when they are manifested in a positive way. For example, you were attracted to your partner because they are spontaneous and you are not. Now it drives you crazy when they can’t plan a trip in advance so that you can make arrangements for the kids. Nevertheless, remember to appreciate her spontaneity when you can, it is still something valuable that she brings into the relationship.
8) Believe in the power of the marriage to change and improve. Treat the marriage as a third entity and try to do at least once a day something that is good for the marriage rather than good for you.
9) Communicate what you mean and how you feel without blaming. Focus on yourself and how something made you feel rather than on what your partner did wrong.
10) Many times we get defensive because we feel guilty. There is no virtue to feeling constantly guilty. Allow yourself to feel less guilty about taking time or resources for your own needs. The less guilty you feel, the less defensive you will be about your behavior, and your marriage will benefit.