By Dvorah Levy
Much research is being conducted on the mysteries of attraction, which is often the starting point of relationships. Many singles in the Orthodox community are engaged in the often frustrating - and at times despairing and painful - search for a partner. To find someone with similar values and feel mutual attraction is very challenging. I am seeing through my work with singles that there is unconscious coding in our brains that factors into who we deem attractive and who not. Until we understand what exactly our subconscious minds are looking for (which may not actually be in our best interests and may have been the source of repeated bad experiences) we are not free to deviate from our internal "script".
For example, Tamar is recently divorced. While scouring profiles on a dating website, she came across only one profile that seemed interesting and that tapped into dormant feelings of strong attraction. Their interaction went from emailing to phone calls and finally an in-person meeting. Although she was 40 years old, the feeling in the pit of her stomach reminded her of how she felt when she was 18. She liked their time together and wanted to go out again. But he didn't call her after their date. She waited with great anticipation for two days before reaching out to him. He said to her, "You're nice - something she already knew and was not sure was a compliment in this context - and "We could be friends, but I don't see this going anywhere." This confused her; does that mean they stay in touch as friends, or does it shut the door? She suspected the latter and was devastated.
Tamar brought this experience into her therapy. She was asking herself "Why such angst? I don't even know the guy!" Tamar began reaching for what her brain had been coding based on the information it had received. She knew he was 6'2" and coded that as protective and someone she would be able to look up to (figuratively as well as literally). Well-traveled meant that he possessed sophistication and worldliness. Those were qualities she lacked but wanted to be better at, and she wanted the fun they implied - something that was missing from her previous marriage. His relaxed stance communicated to her that he was secure with himself and seemed to promise that he would be comfortable with just hanging out. Manly looking (but not perfect) gave her hope that he would be forgiving of the flaws in others, like the few extra pounds she had gained with each pregnancy.
Tamar's attraction was to those qualities and experiences that she wanted but didn't have. This was not dissimilar to how she chose her first husband - a man with charisma and personal power who promised excitement and wings that she could borrow to fly with. She crash-landed in her first marriage. There are no shortcuts for our own development.
The dating world can be painful. We are forced to encounter ourselves in different ways as we navigate finding matches, engaging with a heretofore stranger and eventually forming a relationship that can be mutually respectful and caring. The big challenge is to develop the qualities in ourselves that we wish to see in a partner, to experience ourselves as able to stand on our own two feet and not need saving. Tamar had experienced involvement with the "savior" type. That had exacted a huge emotional price from her because she was not able to grow autonomously and was not attuned to emotionally. But her subconscious and unresolved needs were being activated again in her experience with attraction.
Why didn't her date work out? Tamar had thoroughly enjoyed their date, but apparently he was seeing something altogether different. She guessed that what he had seen was a relatively sheltered, wig-wearing woman who was out on a date for the first time in many years and was feeling rather awkward. He was probably questioning why she thought they were compatible. Tamar was left wondering if he saw her as a minnow wanting to swim with a shark.
In the dating world, subconscious coding in our brains is going on all the time. We are at risk of forming perceptions based on projection rather than on reality. This creates a wellspring of intense emotion without scaffolding. The flip side of this process is the experience of feeling unable to trust or open up and let another person in. This happens when we project critical thoughts and quick judgments onto another person, thereby guaranteeing that we won't risk hurt and disappointment. Those risks are inherent in the dating process. Without the ability to tolerate them, we also can't engage.
Awareness is key. When we begin to see repeated patterns in our dating experience, it is time to selfreflect and scan our subconscious. Using the time when not in a relationship to connect with ourselves in a new, more aware way will help us bring ourselves differently to our next encounter. There is no easy way of forming a comfortable, secure relationship with self other than by wading through the painful waters of self-encounter - waters muddied by messages we received about ourselves and relationships during our early formative years.
Rewiring ourselves completely in regard to what attracts us to the opposite sex may be a lot to ask, but self-awareness expands our choices. It is possible to find a comfortable middle ground. In the choppy waters of dating, Tamar may choose to be the minnow that steps up to be a tuna and one that can learn to finally appreciate another tuna.
Dvorah Levy, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice working with individuals and couples and specializing in relationship issues: marriage, parenting and dating. She maintains offices in Hewlett and Flatbush. Dvorah Levy is trained in Emotionally Focused Couple and Gestalt therapies. She can be reached at (516) 660-7157.